*Deep Breaths* Hi There!

*takes a deep breath* Whoo. Okay.

Hi, there! My name is Rikki and I live in Florida. I’m a shiny new private in the US Army, and shipping out to Oklahoma in April. I am an identical twin and a great reader of books. And fanfiction. And anything I can get my hands on, really. I’m an eclectic Pagan, and converted from Christianity about four years ago, now. I enjoy running, hiking when I lived in New York, drawing, writing, Harry Potter, Dungeons and Dragons, and comic books. Music is… definitely a passion of mine, and I sing every chance I have. I am painfully shy when I feel out of my depth, which is very often of late.

I found Empty Closets entirely by accident, and frankly I couldn’t be happier to have stumbled across it. I’ve been lurking for a few weeks, and only just got up the courage to even make an account yesterday. Hopefully, I manage to keep this short instead of word vomiting now that I’m actually writing something!

The reason I joined Empty Closets is because… I’m trying to verbalize this well. Gimme a minute. I am… fairly certain(?) that I’m gay. I’ve dated guys before, and it’s never felt… right. I feel like I’m doing everything to make them happy, like it’s a chore, the minute I agree to go out with a guy. The only time I’ve ever felt the urge to even kiss someone is toward my best – female – friend. At this point, yes, I do flip-flop and freak out some days, thinking ‘Nope, no way, can’t possibly be gay. You’re making it all up in your head, Rikki’ and then other days sit in my room quietly and think ‘Yup. Gay. So, totally, gay-gay-gay-gay-gay… Huh, wonder what's on TV tonight’ It’s something I’ve been trying to squash down and ignore for a few years now, and only recently started opening up to just myself about.

I just… I’m trying to figure myself out. As I already stated, I’m an identical twin, and I’ve always believed that, yeah, people are born gay, or bi, or queer, etc. Thing is, my twin sister? Straight as a freaking pin. So my not being the same is something of a mental smack in the face, considering we're as genetically identical as is possible for two people to be, and it's a lot of the reason I keep wanting to shout at myself that I must obviously just be going through a phase, because seriously, she’s my twin. And wouldn’t I have known for absolute certain before now, anyway? Then I stop thinking about it for a few hours, feel fine about myself, consider my sister, and the cycle repeats.

…Pretty sure I failed not to word-vomit there. Oops.

TLDR: Shy 18-year-old Army Private, Pagan, probably gay but super conflicted because my twin sister is straighter than a ruler. Thus, beyond closeted, with no foreseeable plans to get out. Also, I’m a total geek and beyond nervous just posing this. Oh hey, my hands are actually shaking, weird.

So, thanks for reading, and hopefully I’ll get to know some of you better.

Blessed be,

- Rikki

 

Hi, Brad! Thank you!

Thanks, PhoenixRising. Also - love the avatar. Not a Jean Grey fan myself, but I love the artwork.

 

MissyT – thank you!

PhoenixRising – Ahh. Well, I totally encourage you to look more into her. The character’s really interesting, and can be amazing. Like I said, I tend not to be a giant fan, I think she’s over-powered and that it makes her hard to enjoy reading, but that’s just me.

tsukishio – thank you, and I hope so, too. ^.^

BelleFromHell – Thank you! Love your user name. And thank you again, ‘awesome’ makes me feel… well, awesome!

 

*bursts out laughing* :lol:

Nice to meet you, too, TJ! Love the cat!

 

*hugs*

I'm trying to sort things out. I have a lot of trouble dealing with my feelings beyond a surface level - I tend to try and focus on other people, throw myself into fixing and helping them rather than take the time to work on myself. Right now, I'm frustrated and confused and nervous and actually pretty mad at myself for not being able to just look at myself and definitively say 'THIS IS YOU, DEAL' instead of being a goopy mess of feelings.

That said, I'm extraordinarily happy for you coming to terms with who you are, and I hope I enjoy the forum too. So far, everyone seems really fantastic, and like you said, reasonable. Fingers crossed for luck!

I'm glad you think so! And thank you. I like words? :icon_wink
Lol, gesundheit! (Now we're even, fair?)

 

*blinkblinkblink* Woah. That is so weird… but very cool. It would be even stranger if we actually were each other's twins - what a way to find out, yeah? Nice to meet you too!

Hiya!

Thank you!