First Post and My Story

Hello all! This is my first time posting on EC; however, I have been reading for a couple of weeks now and thought it's only fair that I introduce myself and share my story considering all of the brave folks who've done so before me. I also wanted to thank everyone on here who has posted and encouraged and supported one another. It has had a profound impact on my self acceptance and is the reason I feel comfortable posting now. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Now for my story:

I am a hetero-married, 28 year-old, mother of three. And I'll be honest, I didn't see the signs. I had no clue that I am meant to be with a woman. Looking back I can now see what should have been at least clues if not big, gaudy, flashing neon signs but I grew up believing I was straight and no idea to the contrary. It wasn't until about three years ago that I had my light bulb moment.

THE SIGNS I MISSED (or the reasons why I always use my GPS):

Reading an article when I was 10ish about a child born with genitalia of both male and female. The parents and physicians choose female and by puberty the child wanted to be identified as male. I had wished that were me - that I could be a boy.

Being excited when my girl friend wanted me to flash them since I was the only one that had hit puberty.

Loving the scene from the Titanic movie where Jack draws Rose.

Trying to convince a girl to kiss me in front of a couple of guys. My argument was that all girls are a little lesbian and the guys wanted us to. Part of me wonders how different my life would have been if she had gone through with it. Discovering that at 14 seems easier than at 25.

THE HETERO NORMATIVE CHOICES I MADE (or why I always let someone else order my meal):
It was the summer between my sophomore and junior year. My parents and I didn't quite see eye to eye. I was ready to be treated with respect and they wanted me to stay forever young. I found my escape in the arms of a sweet, funny, cute, gentle, and most importantly madly in love with me, man. We plotted my escape - the only thing that made sense to my young, dumb, hormone ridden mind: get pregnant, get married, and escape off into the sunset. I was from an educated family. I was top of my class, already accepted into a presumed program based off of my ACT scores, grades, etc. I was not one you'd expect to end up bare foot and pregnant at 17. I was smart, involved in activities,a member of student council by gosh.

There I was stuck with the consequences of a poorly thought out plan but I was also stubborn and unwilling to fail. So at eight months pregnant I married that sweet, cute, funny man who was still madly in love with me even if I was fairly sure I wasn't with him. Baby number one was born, I graduated high school, fast forward a year and baby number two came along, we worked hard, bought a house, found out we were expecting number three, he went back to school, I brought home the bacon. While we has our rough patches (I had an unsatisfactory
Hetero affair, he claimed he did but was, in fact, 100% faithful, being young and broke, having the children in diapers) we were making things work. And if I had a kinky side that liked the idea of sleeping with women, well, that was just fuel for the bed room, right? We could enjoy porn together. I loved his playboy collection. I was just the fun wife every guy wanted, right? Right...

THE LIGHT BULB MOMENT (or why you shouldn't eat spicy food before bed):
I was 25 with a 7, 6, and 3 year old. I was depressed because I worked for a company whose clients had been severely impacted by the great recession and there was nothing I could do to make you losing your life savings better. So I quit and my husband left school to work while I took some time to spend time with the children. During my break from work I had a dream. Yes, just a simple dream like many others before then about spending time in the arms of a woman. I woke up electrified... and terrified. Things made sense but we're scary as hell. So I did nothing but the thoughts didn't go away. Finally,I couldn't stand this secret and I wrote my husband a letter. His reaction was, "okay....how is this news?" At the time,I told him I wasn't sure if I was bi or homo. With three babies and barely making ends meet we decided to stick through it. He was okay with me and I wasn't overly eager to get out there. Besides what would we tell people?!

MY LIFE TODAY (or why calendars don't work if you don't use them):
Three years after I came out to my husband and were still together. We moved across the country from small town Midwest to an east coast metropolitan area.I have a great job that pays the bills plus a little extra. He went back to school and just graduated. We're now contemplating what our next step is. I am out as a full lesbian to him. He is the only person, other than you fine folks, who knows. I have still yet to experience my first girl on girl kiss, romantic touch, or anything else but I think I'm finally at a place where I am no longer afraid of who I am and what I want. I am excited to see what the future holds but intend to take the next several steps slowly. I know I don't want an open relationship so there will be some pain but I've waited this long and I can wait a little longer.

If you hung on this long, thank you for reading my story and by doing so becoming part of my story and letting me be part of yours. It was cathartic to put this down in words.

Best,

WildClover

 

Thanks everyone! I'm glad to be here with all you fine folks.