So glad to have found this site- I have a friend whose daughter is a lesbian, and is completely out, and she passed along the link. I don't really know what to put in my intro, so I'll just share my story. I've been living as a bisexual for several years, and have been in a relationship with an older man for just as long (I'm 29, he's 53), and we've been engaged for 4 years. I love him to death- we are best friends. I have tried to convince myself over the years that it doesn't really matter that I'm attracted to women, that I could give that up for him. I wasn't sure what to label myself as, since I have been able to enjoy sex with him (though he has not been able to be intimate with me for 2 years now, and is not interested anymore either). It later dawned on me that physiological responses do not equal sexual attraction. I've tried to push down this part of myself, because it's painful, scary, and has seemed to me to be pointless to explore. I'm completely financially dependent on him, and I won't be able to break free from that area of dependency until January of next year (after I have completed my master's degree, and hopefully have found gainful employment). He doesn't hold it over my head- he's very generous, loving, and kind, and he just wants to see me 'get better' (in therapy for trauma, eating disorder, depression... and the list goes on), and be happy. I can't imagine life without him, but I can't be authentic- which is a path I have started traveling down only a few months ago, to discovering my true self and living that out- and still be with him in a romantic relationship (which is honestly devoid of any romance). All of this came on me pretty suddenly, just in the last 2 weeks. It just came up, and I couldn't stifle it anymore, and I couldn't turn away from the truth... and it's just killing me, keeping it inside, and especially keeping it from my best friend, my go-to person- my fiancé. I'm really struggling with self-acceptance. And there's a lot of grief- ok, a TON of grief- over so many things. My depression and eating disorder have taken a turn for the worse, and I'm frequently consumed with suicidal thoughts. I'm very alone in all of this. The only gay friend I have (discounting gay acquaintances) is a second cousin who lives in the UK, and it has been very challenging trying to set up a time to talk. I'm in a pretty bad place right now, like, I can't stand living with myself. I need support but I haven't found enough or support that is really effective. The few people I can tell are either infrequently available, or insist on me 'finding support' or seeking 'professional help', when all I really need is someone to talk to, someone who will listen to me and just reassure me that it's going to be okay. And my therapist, who is normally excellent, lately has expressed doubt in my ability to function and move forward, and I'm pretty pissed at her, and feeling even more alone and helpless because of this. I just don't know where to turn.
I'm sorry that you're feeling so down, and that you feel that there is no one to talk to. Sometimes these things happen and we do need to talk it out. Now I may have just joined this forum, so maybe I'm wrong, but I'm sure that a number of people here have been in a similar situation to you. Many of us know just how hard it is to hide ourselves away and deny who we really are. We can relate, and it is because of this that we care. I can't speak for everyone, but if you need to talk, by all means, talk and I'll listen. You are not alone.
Thanks. It seems like this is just the sort of place I need. Talking with people who get it, because they've been there, or are there right now, is soooo much more helpful than simply talking to Allies. I know there are people out there who have gone through a situation very similar to mine... I just need a lot of reinforcement, support, and connection to get me through this. I've found that the one thing that has been able to keep my spirits up and my mood somewhat stable, is just talking to people. I've been a bit skeptical and nervous of getting that connection through an online forum... people can be jerks on the internet, and I'm in a really fragile state right now. But damn, just reading through the whole terms of use thingy that pops up when you register- that pretty well convinced me that this will be a safe space. Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words- this is just what I needed.
No problem, I fully understand just how theuraputic talking to someone can be. That's part of why I joined this site, not only to talk about my issues, but also to help others get through their rough spots. If you try to tackle too much alone you end up going crazy and then things really get bad. If you speak your mind, be honest to yourself and others, and don't give up, you'll go far. Now, would you like to speak about this now or later? (FYI I'm a little rusty on my nettiquette, so I'm not sure if it's approriate to go too in depth here) Oh, and I sincerely doubt that you will get flak here. This is a safe and supportive environment and a can't see many people violating that and getting banned just for a the sake of it.
Thanks for the offer to talk. It's 4:30AM where I am right now (looks like I won't be getting any sleep, as I have to be 'up' at 6AM), so I'm a little too sleep-deprived to think very clearly, and a little too raw to get into this painful spot. I'm quite certain the 'opportunity' will arise in the near future (trying to re-frame it in a positive light), where I will be in dire need of someone to talk to.
Okay then. Get some sleep and remember to keep the positive outlook when you wake up. EC is here for you.
Hi, this has been a giant emotional roller coaster ride, I feel your pain, anguish and guilt. It will get better. Take each day as it comes, do not hate yourself, love yourself. All our wishes are to help and support each other, we all need it, its not easy. Love to all xxxxx
Hi there! I'm new here as well but just remember that you have your entire life to find acceptance and love for yourself. There's no need to rush. Since you're already dealing with a few other challenges you're bound to feel a bit overwhelmed! Can you break down the path to your goal of acceptance into smaller bits? For example, today write down three things that make you happy about yourself. Just the things, nothing else. Tomorrow write down why those things make you happy. Then for the next week look at that list of three things, memorize it, and let become part of your daily mantra. Oh you didn't know you have a daily mantra? It's whatever you say daily - in your head, in the shower, as you're doing some task you loathe. So replace "oh man, I hate getting up in the morning...this really sucks" with "I like myself because I know how to change a bike tire, I know a lot about color theory, and I can bake a mean loaf of bread." Slowly work on replacing negative thoughts with positive. This is how I began working myself into a better place. Just don't rush things or put too much pressure on yourself. Give yourself time to feel and understand your feelings. And if your therapist is no longer helping you it may be time to find someone new. Good luck and you're not alone. I'm here rooting for you!
Thanks again for the warm welcomes, and all the support and advice. Things are already getting better. I've reached out to more people, specifically to a few lesbians I know casually, and they've been incredibly helpful and supportive, as well as some Allies I've connected with. So I guess I'm out to 6 people I know now, and 2 friends of friends. Also, re. the mantra thing- good point- I hadn't thought of a mantra in that way. If you look at my signature, you'll see a mantra I picked for myself in Sanskrit and the English translation. My yoga teacher/guru recommended doing this, and as soon as I get my mala from Etsy, I'm going to incorporate it into my daily meditative practice (though I've already been using it on a less frequent basis).
