Hi, I'm new here, looking for friends, and answers :)

Hi everyone

I'm new here, 24 yrs old, and very, very much in need of some friendship and answers.

I stumbled upon this site quite by accident, and I'm really happy I found it. I have known I am bisexual for a long time; but lately, I am beginning to question whether or not I am, in fact, becoming more and more aware of the possibility I might be a lesbian.

I am, physically, much more attracted to women than I am to men. The female body is, to me, absolute perfection and beauty. I can look at a picture of a woman, say, in a bikini, and my heart skips a beat. It's much less likely that a man would elicit such a reaction from me, and sometimes, I find myself completely grossed out by the thought of se***, b**** , and I start to question whether it not my feelings for women may be 'blossoming,' into fruition.

But here is why I am in total misery, and absolutely HATE myself...I am married. With a five month old baby. I love my husband and our baby with all my heart (if I can still be said to have a heart; I feel so guilty & worthless).

I'm a great mom, and I do love my husband, I can't imagine my life without him. But how do I suppress these desires to be intimate with a woman? He is very..."conservative," when it comes to sex, so I know he wouldn't find it sexy to see me with another woman. I even asked him once, point blank, if he thought the fact that I'm bi is "sexy," or if he was just neutral about it. He just shrugged and said he didn't really care.

So now I know that I'll never even be able to experience being with another woman, not even a KISS, because he won't let me, and I am too faithful and love him too much to ever cheat.

I started dating my husband shortly after coming out to a couple of people as bi; so I never even got that chance to kiss a woman. I am beginning to feel resentful, and that scares me, because I know I am just a selfish piece of crap. I am in such agony, and I felt like this is the one place where I might not be judged.

If you have any advice for me, I NEED it, please. If you're just going to scream at me about what a horrible person I am, save your time, I do enough of that on my own to myself.

Thank you for reading this. I'm very nervous about what people will say :help:

 

Welcome to EC, also don't feel so bad about yourself I totally get repressing your feelings and although I wasn't married or I didn't have a kid, my last boyfriend who I dated through most of high school was conservative. It's super tough ignoring your feelings and stuff but like when I did eventually get with another girl, it was like average. I think I romanticized it too much but I still have a preference for other girls.

 

(*hug*)Thank u for being so nice.

 

Don't worry, there really wasn't anything to be mean about and I also understand how self hate can affect you, it can make you go to some pretty dark places and your self esteem gets really low. I use to be bulimic when I first became a cheerleader to stay skinny which I know was bad but yeah I did end up stopping so lol, also I wouldn't hate yourself for feeling the way you do. I'm here if you want to talk anytime, kays?

 

Thank u

 

Hi!

Welcome to the boards. I'm pretty sure you'll find the love, acceptance and community that you are seeking. Looking forward to your posts and reading about your journey!

 

Welcome!

 

(&&&)Thank u SO MUCH, everyone!! I made such a good, helpful decision to join this site. Again, thank you. I am so glad I have someone to talk to now, a place to clear my mind without being judged. I look forward to posting here often.