Looking for some closure

Hello Everyone!

Thanks ahead of time for taking the time to read this and I hope I can gain some clarity (though I believe I know the answer.) I'm 25 btw!

First off, names Matt! Hope all is well. I was on this site awhile back and got off and now I'm back!

For as long as I can remember, even in pre-kindergarten days, I have crushed on women. Enter my puberty years and I discovered internet porn and dived into lesbian, straight and eventually (which is now my personal favorite, BBW). All throughout Junior High and High School, I mostly kept to myself. I went through periods of OCD and depression. I took a health class and thought that I got AIDS from masturbating too much or touching a wall. In my Junior High School years, I went to the homecoming dance and had a crush on a girl since the 4th grade. My friends tried to get me to go up to her and dance but I was incredibly nervous and shy. During most of my High School years, I kept to my academics and continued to watch lesbian and straight porn. It wasn't until my senior year that I noticed a brief attraction for men among my already steady attraction to women. Granted, I wasn't confident in myself to ask women out, although I wanted to and retreated back behind my computer screen. Most of my friends that had girlfriends, I crushed on. I remember being insanely jealous that they were getting the attention I wanted from these women. I distinctly remember trying to put the moves on my best friends girl when they broke up and failed because of my shyness and inexperience with another woman. During my college years, I started to notice my attention to men get a little higher. I was always able to distinguish a good looking guy from an ugly one and for some reason during this period, I thought I might be bi/gay. I don't know what caused it but I remember crying and being confused why I all of a sudden thought this? When I never in my life had a dirty fantasy of man and all of them were wet dreams of women. I figured this was normal and eventually dropped it and continued on with my life (this went for about 2 weeks or so).

I started to get more comfortable in my skin and branch out to dating sites. I eventually stumbled upon a beautiful woman. Now, understand that I even though I was attracted to women, I couldn't understand how men could just sleep with them without even establishing an emotional connection first and I realized that I couldn't just sleep with anyone until this occurred. We instantly hit it off and I thought about her daily. Within 3 or 4 weeks she wanted to have sex and I became uncomfortable with it, It's not that I didn't want it. I just felt I didn't love her yet and was into her enough to give her my virginity and I wanted to understand her more before this happened. Plus, whenever we kissed (this was the first woman I ever intimately kissed) she always judged my kissing and said things like "This is your first time kissing isn't it?" and I always felt like it was more mechanical because she just didn't let me do my thing. Eventually, it didn't work out because she didn't view sex the same way I did.

Fast forward to 2012. I met this wonderful woman! (I met her in 2009 during a marriage ceremony, but she was way too young for me). We talked briefly on Facebook and because we knew each other through family decided to meet and we hit it off. I mean, I couldn't get enough of her. I had never crushed on a person harder than I did for her. We would text early into the morning and talk about our favorite things. It was awesome! And the first time we kissed was just perfect. I couldn't get her off my mind. But, at the time, she was seeing someone and I didn't want to intrude but she said it wasn't too serious… We had a brief girlfriend/boyfriend fling for about a week (no sex) and she decided she didn't want to continue pursuing me. I was heart broken… I knew immediately (this may sound cheesy, but I was in love with her) I had completely fell head over heels for this woman. I tried to pick myself back up and after those two months I got over her (sort of) I started to talk to other women, while still acknowledging my attractions to men (though I still get confused if it is just admiration or physical attraction, be it sexual or not) I got into a brief crush with this woman Amanda and I thought I could get over my thing with Courtney. I did have a legitimate crush on Amanda and remember feeling joyful again.

(NOTE: We never kissed either, but every time I was around any woman… Gina (my ex, Amanda or even my current fiancé I always got a boner from just being in their presence or sitting next to them. I was excited.)

During this time, Courtney and I started to talk again and we hit it off once more. I was a little hesitant of getting into a relationship or trying again due to the many times she led me on and broke my heart. But I forgave her and we ended up starting to date. Long story short, I lost my virginity to her and came so quickly before I even realized and it was awkward but enjoyable. I had a hard time during the first few times keeping it up for her because I was so nervous… Even the first time she gave me head (before we had sex) and I questioned it again but brushed it off.

However, I never really did. We are now happily engaged and I'm getting married this April and cannot wait! But I keep questioning my sexuality. I have brought it up and she feels that maybe I am partially bisexual but never realized it because I was never sexually active until now and my attractions to men are getting stronger. Point is, I tried to watch some gay porn to see if it turned me on. I'll be honest, at first it was disgusting. The second time, I just sat there and watched it. No response. I wasn't turned on by it nor turned off. Just "Meh" just two guys going at it, big deal.

But it's weird… sometimes when we have sex I'll think of like "Huh, wonder what it would be like if there was a guy here or if this was a guy" I don't get disturbed it just crosses my mind. I have told her this too and she isn't bothered by it (she too is bi) It's like for eight months I have been dealing with this… am I bi/gay/straight or somewhere in between? Was all of my crushes in the past fake? Do I have to leave my beautiful fiancé and go off and experiment to truly know or be satisfied? She has given me the opportunity but I enjoy just having sex with her. Eating her out and being sadistic is a major turn on for me.

I have had the occasional gay fantasy (as I'm sure all people do) didn't think much of it but because I have been dwelling on this, it has been more frequent. Something that never happened before!

I mean, I know I am attracted to men as well. I cannot deny this one bit. But I am also attracted to women, as I have been my entire life. I'm not opposed to anything with a guy, it just feels like I don't really need or want it. I don't think I have crushed on a guy… other than the occasional Gary Oldman or celebrity thing where I wanted to be like them and yes Gary Oldman is a fine looking guy!

Also… yes. I have masturbated with my best friend. Not in the same viewing but we were watching lesbian porn and had a drape between us. Is that normal? I was about 16 or so at the time.

I also cannot deny that when I go out, I look at both genders. I have no problems with this. Plus, I noticed I have a larger index finger than the ring finger and I am more semimetal than most. I guess my worst fear, is hearing of all these men that say bisexuality is just a stepping stone and I hear all these guys come out to their wives later and here I am being up front and honest with her, because I want to keep the communication lines open to the one I love. Could I be considered bi? Even if I haven't experimented or want to? People say I am overreacting and don't need to have a label. But it's like I don't want to invest the time if I cannot be completely understanding of where I lie. I keep going back and forth am I really just straight? Bi? No! I'm gay! No! You're Bi… it's annoying.

I took the Klein test and it states I'm about a 2 bordering on a 3? Do most bisexuals often notice their attractions fluctuate? I have heard when they're in a relationship it is quite the opposite, they notice more of the same gender they're dating whereas I am the opposite. Do bisexuals ever just remain bi? I just want to be happy again with her and not let this change who I was when I initially fell for her. I want to marry her and be the best partner and friend I can be, I cannot imagine my life without her.

What do you guys think? I would also like some of the EC Advisors in on this as well! Do I sound like I could be a bisexual or bicurious guy? Or gay in denial or whatever?

 

I just tried my curious side again and looked at some gay porn. I tried for like 5 minutes to get aroused but I just couldn't. So, I switched to Lesbian 3 Way and after like 20 seconds I was turned on and able to achieve with no problems.

 

Can anyone give me their opinion?

 

I can totally see that. I always thought that although I always wanted a girlfriend and a true partner I could be everything towards, I was open to the fact that if any sort of same sex thing occurred I could be potentially open to it. Not that I need it but I'm comfortable admitting it. Funny... I never thought I would ever say that but the more I have been open and honest I can relate to the heteroflexibility area for sure.

But I'm not so quick to label myself that or anything for that matter because all in all it's what you love and not so much what you feel. Thanks! I'm open to other people's opinion!