My Story (or how to repress your feelings)

Allow me to introduce myself, i am <Citrino>. I am a Bisexual Atheist, who has repressed these beliefs until recently (a good 2-3 years ago for my atheism, and about a year ago for my bisexuality) oh and i'm 19.

to set up this story, my family is very conservative, and christian.

Growing up, i had minor thoughts about boys and romantic feelings towards a few, but i was young, and scared that i might possibly be gay, and i tried to tell my parents, who just sorta brushed it aside, as i grew up i did start to gain crushes, mostly girls. Any gay thought i had i blocked out of mind, though. i never really thought i was bisexual.

Browsing the *ahem* internet i found out i was totally cool with looking on the other side of the fence, and thought maybe i was just straight with an open mind, but as the months went on i've really critically thought about it. and decided at least, im bi-curious, but most likely bisexual.

Only problem? i'm horrible at making romantic relationships, due to years of loneliness and such i became very disjointed from society, i never really made alot of friends, and i was picked on alot in school, and thus i never really learned how to flirt, or start relationships, i became very.....closed? to the world. people never really saw my true feelings for anything, even if i was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. i became too good at repressing my true feelings.

My family means well, growing up i only really connected with my mother, my father was a truck driver and thus, i didnt see him alot, while my sisters where well ahead of me in age, and thus it was "weird" to do stuff with me. In the current time, my family isn't as...accepting...as i've learned more about religion and sexuality, i began to pick up on how much my parents actually bashed anyone who was different, my dad consistently makes fun of the idea of being gay, and how wrong it is, and my mother just "wouldn't prefer for any of us (me and my sisters) to be gay" both my parents hate atheists, and will go out of their way to insult them, and seem to mistrust them, citing my atheist friends as trying to change my way of thinking.

to sum up. i grew up lonely, school sucked, became an atheist, found out i was bisexual,
found out my parents might not be as open minded as i hoped they might be, and have never been on a date with anyone.

My mind hasn't been in good standing, i've become cynical, depressed, self deprecating, with poor self esteem, and to top it off i'm constantly hiding behind a happy, goofy mask.

is this story a tad depressing? i don't know, maybe. either way, i've been trying to work on these issues that i'm aware of.

well, that's who i am. not sure how well it pertains to the site, but it feels a bit better to get all that out. glad to be part of the site now.