I learned today that my 24 year old son is gay. My emotions are all over the place. I don't know how I should be feeling. I love my son the same today as I did yesterday and will always support him. I don't know how to move forward. Confused
Well it's very important to support him when and if he needs it and don't talk about it unless he says something first and welcome to EC
Just make sure he knows that you still love and support him and that this doesn't change anything between the two of you. It's not like he's deciding to become gay -- he's always been that way, you're just learning about it now. If you're a little bit disappointed I think that's okay, but make sure he knows that it's just a different path than the one you envisioned for him and you know that he will face additional obstacles in his life, not because you have a problem with him being gay. I'm sure it was significantly harder for him to tell you than it was to be on the receiving end of that conversation, but I don't think you should feel guilty at all for being a bit shook up over this. Any major life in your son's event is likely to be a major event in yours as well. I don't know...I'm only a few years older than your son and that's how I hope my parents would react. The most important thing is to reaffirm that your love and support is unconditional.
Hey tamtamfx4, welcome to EC! I commend you for coming here to learn more about what this is all about. I congratulate you for accepting him as he is. Nothing has changed about him, you only know him better now. What took him probably years to work out, he is asking you to process in days. Take the time it takes to come to terms. Explain to him that you love him no matter what, but that it will take you time to work through all the implications. Even though it may feel uncomfortable, he will want to hear you talk about it from time to time. Nothing graphic of course, just questions if you have any, advice if you've learned something, your mother's concerns with whomever he's seeing...just like those you would have if he was going out with a girl. This also is part of acceptance.
Thank you for your replies. The first thing I told him was that I love him. My husband has suspected for some time and he took the news way better than I did. I will never change the way I treat him as he is my only child and I don't want to lose him in my life. We both want him to be happy. It was just a huge shock.
Wow! You and your spouse sound like fantastic parents and your son is very lucky. If things ever become challenging to accept just remember that nothing has really changed. Your son can still do most, if not all, of the things a straight couple can do - get married, have children, etc. or he can choose to not to do any of those things. Your support will mean so much more than you can imagine. Good luck to you, your spouse, and your son!
Welcome! The first thing to keep in mind is that there are stages everyone goes through in processing any kind of loss (in this case, loss of perception your son is straight.) The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. They aren't always sequential, and you can bounce back and forth between them, but it's entirely normal, so give yourself permission to feel them. And also, for the most part, gay people today don't suffer nearly as much in terms of discrimination and problems as their predecessors did, and particularly in Canada, their rights are well protected. So he can be just as happy, productive, successful as anyone straight... he can marry, have kids (though not by the traditional route) and raise them. I concur with the others... you and your spouse have done an amazing job so far. Just keep being thoughtful and remembering that he's the same person, and you'll be fine. You might also consider attending a PFLAG meeting in your area. An amazing, welcoming, friendly organization full of parents going through (or have been through) the same things you've been through.
Hi It sounds like you have a strong relationship with your son. One that he wants to keep hold of. There are lots of reasons why someone comes out to their parents, but most often, it seems to me, it is because they feel a wedge is being driven between them that has becoming unbearable. Growing up gay for most children involves keeping a lot of things secret. Not because they want to be deceiptful, but because it's very personal, it's scary, they know it is often seen as a problem or weakness, and they start hiding things from schoolfriends/colleagues and family from surprisingly early on, before they really understand anything about what they are discovering about themselves. Talking to anyone is like making it real, it's difficult to retract those words once spoken. But keeping things a secret can be very lonely, and every day things happen and are said (often innocently) by others that cause pain and confusion. As we get older, we get a better perspective of what our sexuality is, we learn more about others like us, but our relationships with our parents can get stuck back where it was when we were younger, because we don't feel able to discuss with them what is changing for us. Eventually some people feel that they really need to be open with their parents because to do otherwise results in constantly distancing them from the really important stuff going on in their lives. No matter how much you think you have made it clear that your love is unconditional, the child will always be afraid of your response, and it's made worse because it isn't something that the child can do better next time. It is what it is. I can't imagine how it feels for you, that depends I imagine on your knowledge and experience of other gay people, but you only have to spend a short time on this site to realise that you are not alone. It's hard for me to suggest ways to respond to your son. At the end of the day you would be driving a wedge of your own making between you by keeping your own thoughts and fears locked away, but he probably needs reassurance, and he probably has a lot to tell you. He probably doesn't want you to take a sudden great interest in all things gay, and to go with him to gay bars or whatever, but, believe me, there are a million things on a daily basis that affect him as a gay man that he would probably love to talk to you about, so when those conversations happen, be sure to listen and try to be as supportive and open as you can. It would definitely be worth reading up on any gay aspects of things that interest him - politics, sport, news, celebrities whatever, so that if he starts talking about the current anti-gay laws in Uganda or which sportsman has come out, or a really good novel with gay characters, you have something to say on the subject, or at least show an interest in finding out more. He wants to include you into his world, and that may mean for you that you need to do a bit of moving out of your own comfort zone, but I am sure it will be worth it. One more thing - just because he has told you he is gay doesn't mean that now everything has to be about being gay. You can still plan a nice day together just spending time together, enjoy a meal out, a long walk, - it doesn't have to be all tears and heavy conversations - he will appreciate you making time for him. On the other hand, He may welcome a breathing space after summoning up the courage to tell you the truth before he is ready to say a lot more. You'll need to take your cues from him. Just show him that you appreciate what he has done - that he has given you a gift, that you may not know what to do with yet, but you want to learn. However things go forward for you both, he has shown how much he cares for you by forcing himself to do something that couldn't have been easy, and in the end that can only be a good thing for both of you. Take care.
Thank you so much. Your words have helped me out. The biggest thing is I don't know what to say to him. But rest assured I will support him any way I can. He is my only son and I love him so much.
Hey I wrote this on your other thread but as this one seems more active I will post it here. Re: Confused Hey welcome to EC. The thing with sexuality is it can take us a long time to accept it ourselves. A lot of gay people have dated the opposite sex and this can be for a couple of different reasons. Sometimes it can take us a while to work out that we are gay, society leads to you assume you are straight and often even though that doesn't feel right it takes us a while to figure out why. The other problem is that even if we do figure it out, we don't like what we found. Working out that you are gay is one step, accepting you are gay is a different step and getting to a place where you can tell other people is another. For some people these steps are really close together and for others they can take years. Telling the people closest to you can sometimes be the hardest, the closer you are to someone the greater the fear you might loose them. You might say, 'but my son knows I'm not homophobic and would love him anyway' but the mind is a powerful thing and can dream up all manner of terrifying worst case scenarios of what might happen. I for example didn't figure out I was gay until my mid twenties and was absolutely petrified of telling my parents, even though deep down I knew they would care, they are very accepting and my dad has a gay brother who is fully accepted with his long term partner into the family. My mind still worked overdrive to persuade me that it might not be like this. I think the other reason my parents were so hard to tell is because I had an overwhelming feeling that by being gay I was letting them down, I was a disappointment and whilst I am out to them now this was a hard one to shift. I think the fact your son came out not long after he had moved out is probably significant. It gave him that space to feel safe so when he told you if you weren't accepting he wasn't relying on you for a roof over his head etc. the girlfriends may have been a cover up or perhaps he hadn't realised or accepted he was gay. It's ok to cry, you are morning for the son you thought was straight (I know that sounds strange) even though you still have the same son and you don't love him any less. It's a shock to you and will just take while to get used to. If you have any questions please just ask. Your son is very lucky to have a mother like you.
