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New and need advise

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by Silverfilly, Feb 23, 2014.

  1. Silverfilly

    Regular Member

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    Hello everyone
    I'm in my 30s and I have been married to man for 13yrs, we have been together since I was 16. I had a troubled fatherless childhood and have come to realize he was fulling my need for a father. I love him very much but we have always had sorta a father daughter relation ship. Even in daily life everything is mine or his even money/bank accounts. It's never felt like we were really married.

    About 3 yrs ago I started a new job. I met a girl we will just call H. We have so much in common. We both love animals and horses and spend tons of time ridding together. Looking back I was attracted to her before I even knew she was a lesbian. Apparently she had quit the crush on me before I even new. Once I found out I was kinda excited. It was all new and exciting to me. I had always been drawn to woman. And my husband and I had a few threesomes with other woman that I enjoyed. I had always kinda considered myself asexual since I didn't like sex much but found that I did with other woman. I really don't even have much attraction to men. So when my husband found out my new BF was a lesbian with a crush on me he became excited. Yes we had some threesomes with her and I began falling in love with her. My husband had trouble because he could see that this woman in our bed was there for me not him. So we stopped. She had moved in with us as a roommate but I stopped with the sex. However we still grew closer and closer. I'll be honest I am totally in love with her. I still love my husband but never even felt this way about him. I finally know what true love is.

    I don't think it's fair to stay with my husband feeling the way I do. And honestly we have always had a rocky relation ship. He is a bit OCD and BiPolar and has always refused help. I actually had planned on leaving a few times before I'd even met H.

    I still love him and I always will but since I met H I know what happiness is.i want to be fully happy. I'm worried about him. I'm afraid he will become even more of a recluse than he is now if I leave. I would love to stay friends with him. And he knows that I am "Bi" and he thinks it's awesome <rolls eyes>.

    I don't want to hurt him but I know I will. I guess I'm just looking for soport from anyone that's been in my situation and what was your outcome? We don't have kids so that will make things a bit simpler.
     
  2. Wildclover

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    Welcome to the forums. It sounds like you're in a tough spot right now but, at some point, you'll need to do what is right for you and that might involve hurting your husband or creating the risk of him becoming more reclusive. His happiness and ability to live life should not depend on you not yours on his. My opinion is that two people should complement each other but that they shouldn't be the other person's sole reason for existence, if you know what I mean.

    Are you in a position where you can support yourself if and when you leave your husband? How about your lover? Can she support herself outside of the relationship since she's a roommate now?

    I'm hetero married with three children and have been is a period of stasis for the past several years as my husband finished his B.A. but now that he had graduated we're figuring out our path forward in whatever shape that it might take. You can make a mixed orientation marriage work, or the roommate thing, or side relationships but you'll likely return back to the point where you are now again in the future.

    Whatever you do I wish you lots of luck. Hang around and post some more. We're here to support you!
     
  3. setnyx

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    imo his happiness isn't up to you. you need to live your life. he needs to seek help for his emotional healh problems but he should know his problems didn't have to do with your loving H.
     
  4. Silverfilly

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    We'll my husband and I had a long emotional talk last night. Thanks for your responses. I told him that I'm still a bit confused but I don't think I'm even bi but pretty sure I'm lesbian if I need a label. He said he is sportive of me whatever I decide, wants to remain friends.

    A bit more to my story. H went away a month ago to be an OTR truck driver. I think it was more to get away from the situation and let me decide what I want. I decided to go and team drive with her in a few months as being away from her has been so painfully, I feel like apart of me died when I watched her bus drive away that day. So yes she can soport herself and I'll be able to once I start. My husband and I are in agreement as to what is what when we divorce, nothing messy so that makes things a bit easyer. It's still hard, I love him and I always will but it's not anything like the love I share with H.

    Sometimes I wish I'd never met H because of the difficult situation I am in but if I hadn't I don't think I would have ever been truly happy. She has made me see who I really am and has helped me brake down barriers in my mind that have held me back.

    Thx for being soportive, I know this is a situation that most people would frown on me getting myself into. But I can't help my feelings.
     
  5. Wildclover

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    Glad we were able to help. I just think that no one had been in your shoes so why should we judge?! Most of us get into situations that we didn't intend at some point in our lives so what matters is how we handle ourselves once we're there. It sounds like you and your spouse are trying to make the best of a tough situation. I hope he remains supportive throughout your separation and that you'll remain friends. If not, you'll know that you made the right choice for you and you can move on. Again, just shout if you need anything!