Hey guys I need some help and advice. I am gay and I had been repressing it for many years ( I am only 21 and from India, raised in in the US since a young age). I act very straight and all my friends ( I have a huge social group, believe me when I say I have tons of friends) I believe are straight but I am pretty sure if I come out to them, most of them will be supportive as hell. The only thing is that I am masculine and I don't like feminine men and I cringe at the idea of being with a masculine man. I am really sorry, I know it sounds discriminatory and homophobic but that just my preference and how I grew up. I didn't pick to cringe at feminine men, I was just born preferring masculine men. I have had and still do have a lot of girls hit on me but I shrug it off a lot but I flirt back too because that's just me I guess -_-. I find flirting with girls fun. I actually had a girlfriend who I was deeply in love with but nothing happened since I am gay. And everyone thinks I am straight. So my problem is that I want to come out of the closet because I am really depressed and don't want to live a lonely life but I also don't want to keep this all inside me. Every gay guy I have seen or met is too feminine for me and that's why I cant see myself in a relationship with a feminine guy so I think why should I even come out of the closet if I will never find true love since I am not attracted to feminine guys. On top of that I only find Indian guys hot or attractive (don't know why lol). And not that many indian guys are out of the closet and I barely know any myself who are masculine and out of the closet. So it worries me that if I come out to my family and friends I will get to live a true and honest life but I won't find anyone and might remain single because I have not met or even know of any Indian gay guys who are masculine and around my age. Many of them just keep in the closet because our culture is so repressive and marry a woman because of family pressure. I don't want to follow that path. I have a lesbian friend who is not out to that many people and she is Indian and really pretty! She said she want's to get married and have an open relationship with me because that way both of our families will be happy and we can have a huge wedding, our own kids, and live together happily. But then again its a life of lies. I really don't want to be cautious around everyone trying to hide both of our orientation and then grow old with her leaving the chance of finding true love. I am so confused. So here are my options: 1. Come out of the closet, hurt my parents/extended family, lose some of my friends and take the risk of living a single life (because it's so hard to find a gay/bisexual indian guy who is modern and masculine living in America!). I am sorry but I cant see myself with a guy from a diff culture because I am so tied to my roots and love talking in my own language and celebrating my cultural holidays and visiting my homeland. Plus I really want kids and to start a family really early like around the age of 26/27ish and this will be hard to do if I am single. I know I shouldnt give up hope, but be logical here please what are the chances of finding an openly gay masculine, modern, good looking, indian guy. And I know people will tell me to widen my horizon and date different guys and give others a chance but I know what I want and I know what I like. Especially being Indian I know that my parents will have a hard time dealing with my sexuality but even a harder time knowing that my boyfriend is not Indian. 2. Marry my best lesbian friend and have an open relationship but try to keep it secret from all my friends and family. I have tons of friends and people who look up to me because I am involved in so many things in my college so this might be hard to do. I just don't know how this might work out because I am very traditional and the idea of an open marriage bugs me and if someone finds out it will spread like a fire and people will talk behind our backs. But I will get to start a family really early and be open with her about my feelings and opinions and she will have the same. And what if I fall in love with someone while we are both married. does that mean we separate? Please let me know what you guys think. And please guys dont berate me for having these thoughts and ideas. I have been through a lot in my life and considering these two options or thinking the way I am doesn't make me any less of a human. I want to do good but I also want to keep other people happy. I need support :/ I know I am in college and have a lot of time but it feels like time goes by so quickly.
Rich, First of all, welcome to EC! You've come to the right place... I don't think anyone here is going to berate you. That's not how we roll here. You don't say where you live, and that could be a big factor in trying to find someone you're attracted to. In a larger city, you've got a much better chance. So on to the two options you're considering... You identify as gay, so what do you gain from marrying your lesbian friend? I can see that you won't feel so alone and that you'll please your family so long as they don't find out the truth. But you'll still be living a lie. You could have children, but then, what if one or both of you actually finds a same-sex partner you want to be with all the time, in the open? Then what? Can that work, maybe... But the statistical odds are probably against it. And it won't make it any easier to find a same-sex partner, no matter how you define your relationship with him. Can you live with that basic need unmet? I did for over 50 years, but it still caught up with me and forced me out of the closet. As for the first, is there a reason you can't explore your sexuality while still not being out to your family, or even your close friends? There are LGBT support and social groups for all ages. You can dip your toes into the water with groups like that. And I do understand your desire to find someone who shares your culture and background. It doesn't make you a bad person. I also understand why all the gay Indians you've met seem more feminine to you. Your culture isn't accepting of gays, so many of the people who are openly gay have had no choice but to be openly gay, because people think of them as gay. But there are just as many gay men in your culture as in any other. The percentage of gays in every culture is about the same, worldwide. But in less accepting cultures/societies, many who can pass as straight will try to do just that. But sexuality is hard to suppress for a lifetime. There are plenty of masculine gay Indians out there. They may live on the down-low. Many will not be married to a woman--they'll say they've never met the "right" girl, because there really isn't a right girl for them, and there never will be. You just need to find a venue where you can meet some of them. And you don't need to feel badly that you're attracted to masculine rather than feminine guys. We all have specific attractions, because that's just a part of expressing our sexuality. Lots of straight men and women are attracted to very specific kinds of people, and it's perfectly natural. I don't know whether this helps. Feel free to post on my wall if you want to talk more... (*hug*)
Welcome to the forums. I hope you find a lot of support and encouragement on here - still around gave you some excellent advice. Have you tried looking online for a potential partner? The beauty of online dating is that you can find someone who exactly matches the statistics you're looking for...and others who don't but that you can make a connection with. There is nothing wrong with looking for a specific type of person but I would encourage you to keep an open mind. Have you ever met someone, male or female, that you thought was absolutely stunning but after five minutes you realized they had the personality of a rock and they became less attractive physically? Or met someone who you just thought is okay, nothing fancy but not bad either, and then, once you got to know them, they became more attractive? Friendship does amazing things for our perception of people. You'll need to make the right decisions for you and your friend but many marriages where the couple's start out madly in love don't work out. The pressures of married life, owning homes, cars, and other belongings, raising children, etc create a lot of stress and tension. When push comes to shove what would keep you together? Good luck and keep posting!
