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I don't know what I am, but I'm here!

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by imaybeadog, Mar 5, 2014.

  1. imaybeadog

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    For right now, I'm going to say my name's Joshua. I'm sorta-kinda in question of what I actually am.
    In all honesty, I don't know. But I do know that I don't want to go back to the past that I used to have.

    You see, I'm here because I have no one else to turn to to talk about what I'm going through. I'm a college student, attempting to get a degree in economics.
    It wasn't always like this; tonight I finally realized that there are some things in my past that I haven't yet confronted. And this is where it gets tricky to explain everything, since most people always take it the wrong way.

    I was a Neo-Nazi.

    The whole reason I joined the national socialist movement was due to my previous hatred of homosexuals. I was initiated by one of my friends back in high school. He knew I was impressionable, lonely, and had a lot of pent-up rage due to being picked on by kids of other ethnicity groups. Not once did it occur to me that I should counter-act the actions of racists by using logic and compassion. No, I simply wanted to fight fire with fire.

    I'll admit, the first few years felt really good. I made some people I would call friends, was taught the philosophies of the Nazi party and learned of Nazi occultism. I was angry, full of hate, and ready to break in the skull of anyone who questioned my beliefs. Once you're into the system, they're willing to bend your thoughts in order to make you believe every homosexual is a degenerate attention seeker.
    I remember distinctly being shown pictures over and over again of homosexual men at a pride parade, dressed provocatively and shaking hands with children.
    There was a man in the back of the room who would speak to us about each picture.
    "These are what homosexuals desire to be," he would say to us. I was taught to believe each and every gay person on planet earth was like this (to which I later found out wasn't true).

    Cut to the chase. Here I am, in my dorm, writing this entire thing out. Why? Because the guy that got me into the whole thing met up with me again this evening. He asked where I had been and wanted to know if I'd be interested in going to a meetup on campus.

    Apparently my college has a Nazi club. Wonderful.

    I feel confused. Mainly because I don't have any friends and I'm still struggling with some home issues. The whole thing feels like a welcome wagon again, as if that's the ONLY thing there is for me.


    To make it all worse, I recently found out I might have a crush on a certain guy. Granted, he's a bit of a cross dresser but he still identifies as a guy, nonetheless. I couldn't possibly admit this to them. Not only for the sake of personal safety but because I would instantly get shunned from literally the only friends I have ever known. I don't need them back in my life, but they just offer this nostalgic feeling of feeling like I am somebody once again.
    God, I know this sounds horrible but there's no other way to put this.

    I just feel empty. I feel like there's nothing else out there, like the death and destruction after a storm.

    So I'm reaching out to you. I need just some kind of comfort in this time. I need to take my mind off the current situation.
     
  2. girl99

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    Welcome to ec :slight_smile:
    I know how you feel...I currently don't really know what I am either, but I think that joining this website is a great place to start figuring that out. Also, your past is your past. We all have pasts or moments in our pasts that we are not proud of. No one is here to judge you, only help you...so you've come to the right place. I wish you luck, and hope you find what you're looking for.
     
  3. Juggalo

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    Hey. Welcome. Feel free to ask anybody anything. Nobody will judge you here. We might not be there with you physically, but odds are you're gonna make some friends here. Thanks for reaching out. Askng for help is kind of a bitch, but we all have to ask sometimes.
     
  4. Straw_berry

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    In the lonely plains of Colorado Nyu~
    Welcome to EC Nyu~!
     
  5. lovely lesbian

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  6. Freedom

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    hello :slight_smile:
     
  7. Richie.

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    Welcome!!! :slight_smile:
     
  8. Ravi-VIXX777

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    Wow that's an interesting story. First off, welcome!!

    I'm not a psychologist, but I think the reason you felt empty was because you were not receiving love or giving any. All that hatred was kept inside, and it had to be released. If there's one thing I've had a tough time learning was forgiveness. Forgive others not for them, but for yourself so you won't let your anger get to you. There's plenty of groups in college, why not find another one? Either way, congrats on beginning to find your identity. (*hug*)
     
  9. Chip

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    Welcome to EC. You're in the right place, and I commend you on the amazing vulnerability it takes to acknowledge your history, your struggle with your own sexuality, and why you've got the feelings you do.

    First, as it sounds like you've already surmised, reconnecting with the campus Nazi group is probably not a good idea for a whole variety of reasons.

    Second, it might surprise you to know that there's some solid research to indicate that those who are most adamantly opposed to homosexuality (particularly men) are often closeted homosexuals. A psychologist developed a really interesting and innovative methodology that looked at where the subject's eyes were looking (at guys or girls) while showing images of men and women, asking apparently unrelated questions, and was able to draw a strong association between latent homosexuality and aggression toward gay people. In other words, it appears from this and a couple of other studies that a majority (but not all) of men who are vehemently anti-gay are, in fact, closeted homosexuals.

    From personal experience, I also know of a number of people who were strong bullies of gay people who later came out as gay, and in talking to them, that, too, was an attempt to push away their own latent homosexuality.

    Does this mean you're gay? No. But it does indicate (along with your being attracted to a guy, albeit a cross-dressing one) there's a good possibility you are.

    Have you explored where your attractions are with masturbation fantasies? If not, that might be helpful. Try masturbating without porn, and imagine yourself with guys and see how aroused you are. Then, in a separate session, think about girls, and see what that does. Keep in mind that if you're more aroused while masturbating by men, it would be normal to feel revulsion about liking guys *after* ejaculation and orgasm because at that point, it's your conscious mind rejecting the idea. During masturbation, it's more your unconscious attractions that are at work.

    Now, on to the issue of the emptiness. I think snowhite has it right. Ultimately the hatred is generated by a lack of vulnerability, and a sense of lacking of connection to others in a loving way. This, in turn, generates shame, and when we're in shame, we often seek to "fit in" rather than to belong. The fact you're able to talk rationally and calmly about the Nazi beliefs while not seeming attached to them is an indicator that you connected with this group because you wanted to "fit in" somewhere and, yes, those groups tend to prey on people who don't have a lot of connection and love in their life.

    So you're sort of at a crossroads. If you're wanting to move into a healthier place in life, then letting go of the Nazi group is the right thing to do. By the nature of their beliefs, that group isn't going to foster any sort of love and connection, and at best, you'll feel some sort of non-connected camaraderie because my guess is you'll be "fitting in" rather than truly belonging. And that's just going to increase your shame.

    Letting go of that group also means losing connection with that group, but if you determine that you're gay, you're going to lose them anyway... and honestly, that's not a healthy group that a healthy person would want to be associated with anyway. But you can also work on developing new friends. That might be a scary thought, but that's a lot of what college is about, and I'd encourage you to stretch yourself and consider participating in some other groups and activities on campus and find ones that are a better fit for your beliefs and desires for connection.

    Please keep us updated on what's going on.
     
  10. KanayaMaryam

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    Welcome to the forum sweetheart, have a good time~ :3
     
  11. Nikky DoUrden

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    I read your story, and I really hope u won't go back to a place that is full of hatred and people that vent their own problems on the weak :frowning2:
    May your stay in EC be cheerful and happy, and a place that u can feel you're belong without the need to hurt anyone :slight_smile:
     
  12. lameo

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    It is funny, typically men who are overly homophobic tend to have gay fantasies. You are coming to grips with this, that means you are maturing.
     
  13. Owl333

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    Welcome to EC :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  14. Wildclover

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    Welcome to the forums. As always it's hard to add anything after Chip had chimed in. Excellent advice and thoughts! In my less eloquent way, I say run as far and as fast from the Nazi group as possible. You have a chance to start over and while I'm a firm believer in everyone is entitled to their own opinion and way they choose to live life this group is not healthy for you. Find something positive to do that will let you connect with others - volunteer, join a hobby club, find a group that connects new people to your city, etc.