I'm an imposter, and hello to everyone...

Hi everyone,

I am here because, like so many others, I am lost and confused and don't know what to do or how to think of myself and even if I could figure it out, I wouldn't know what to do about it! I said in the title that I am an imposter because that is the way I truly feel. I feel as if I am an imposter in the female body I was born in, but yet I feel as if I would always be an imposter if I ever were to try to live as a man.

As far back as I remember I have wanted to be a boy, and then a man. I am 36 now. I thought about it and mulled it over and was tormented by it and did the best I could with it until I was 23. I became a Christian. Then I thought I would go to hell if I ever acted on it, and I thought that since God made me a woman, then I had to stop thinking about wanting to be a man, I thought I had just better get on with being a woman and figure out and learn how to be one. So, I stopped being a tomboy as much as I could. I stopped wearing gym shorts and t-shirts everywhere. I started wearing dressier cloths, got my ears pierced, wore necklaces, tried to learn mannerisms, got to like pink and sparkles, and basically just shoved everything down inside of me as far as I could. But really, I never could get away from it. I still kept the short hair, the constant use of tennis shoes, tried makeup over and over again but just couldn't do it, still couldn't stand to wear dresses, hated the look of my body, hated these things hanging off of my chest.

Recently it has started boiling over. I just can't freaking stand it anymore! And it is complicated. I am a Christian, and I don't really believe God is going to send me to hell for being attracted or loving someone of the same sex, and I don't really think he will send me to hell for being a man trapped in woman's body, I still, I just am afraid to take the chance. I'm so freaking scared. I mean, I LIVE with missionaries for heaven's sake!! :eek: Besides that, I have pushed it down so long I don't even know anymore what I am. What I want. What I feel like. I have to figure this whole thing out somehow, and I don't know how to. And I feel very sad.

I'm an imposter because even though I tried, and try, I still don't feel feminine 'enough.' I feel like I should be more feminine. I wonder how much of that is true. I wonder what people really think when they see me. Do they see a woman, or someone trying to pretend to be one? Why have I only ever been asked out by ONE man? One. I'm 36, and I've dated one man. I wonder if I am that un-feminine? I'm overweight, but I have seen lots of women heavier than me who are happily married or in relationships. I'm not a gargoyle, I look about average. Who knows...

I am also an imposter because I want to be a man. I say imposter because I don't think I can ever really be masculine enough either. I don't know, maybe I have trained it out of myself. Now I think I act to 'girly' to be a real man. Real men don't like pink and sparkles do they? (I understand that logically real men can and do like pink and sparkles, these are just my confused thoughts and feelings). I will never pass as a man. I don't want to take hormones for the rest of my life. I don't want to have surgery. Maybe this will change. But, I feel like why should I even try all of that if I know that I will never be a 'good enough' man?

I am in limbo. I am trapped. I am hopeless. I am an imposter in both worlds, the one I inhabit, and the one I wish to inhabit...

Am I a joke?

 

Thank you all for your welcomes and assurances and support. I really appreciate the way you have accepted my first post and weird babbling on and on. I really do hope I can figure this all out, though I know it will take time, it is just so very painful right now to even think about, and about how no matter what I do, I will never be what I wish I could have been born as.