Hi (along with sort-of story)

Hello, I don't know exactly how I stumbled upon this site but I remember going into some incredibly old threads that particularly struck a chord with me. I don't remember what they were titled, but they dealt with problems that I am actually going through right now. After that, I went though more and more threads, and found that this site has such an awesome atmosphere.

So, I decided to register. It was kind of an impulse register, but I felt compelled to do it. (The heart wants what the heart wants, don't blame me).

I also want to describe my story of how I came to deal with my orientation. I'm not sure how overdone it is on here but again, it's just one of those things I just want to do for some reason. There's no logic around my heart I guess.

For most of my life, I went through it believing I was straight. I assumed that my very distant future would involve me marrying a woman, having babies, and living that nuclear family life. I didn't really put much thought behind it, in fact, I didn't even fight that assumption. I just thought it was something that just 'happened,' and my family even sort of supported it.

Then came my middle school years. It was gradual, and in fact I probably wasn't even aware of it, but I was becoming a lot more interested in males. I started to develop a lot of stereotypical feminine manners and habits and I found it increasingly hard to relate to males in a friend level in that age. Around this time, I started to get suspicions that I was becoming gay or bisexual. However, I was mostly confused at the time, but I didn't really acknowledge it out loud. It was more of an inner battle with myself, and most of the time, I just gave up fighting it.

Around this time, people also asked me A LOT of questions about my sexuality. Usually, I replied with some bizarre off-the-wall answer, went off-topic, or just dodged the question entirely. When it was a time where they demanded a true answer from me (which only happened once), I hastily replied that I was bisexual. Looking back at what happened then, I think I wasn't ready to face the truth. Middle school was the first point of inflection for me, I realized I was having an attraction to the same sex but I just couldn't properly acknowledge that I was... My mind kept trying to deny it.

Now we go to high school... Compared to middle school, high school was a far better experience for me. I met a lot of great people, definitely made more friends, and found that it was a lot more accepting than I realized it would be (even though there are exceptions that like to make my life hell, but that's another story). However, high school was a time where my identity and orientation crisis spiraled out of control.

My attraction to males increased, and I found myself fancying them a lot more than I do with females. In fact, I don't think I've ever found myself crushing on a girl, much less feel attracted. This led to instances where I find myself staring at guys... I find myself staring at their faces and their bodies. I find that I have become even more awkward around other guys (opposite situation with girls, I am A LOT more comfortable to be my true self with them). This whole conundrum was at its worst through my first two years of high school.

When I turned 16, and had one of many moments of dangerous over-thinking of my life and introspection, I had thought about this identity crisis... It was clear I couldn't lie to myself any further. I couldn't lie to myself and to other people and say that I was straight without wincing inside. I needed to come out, but I didn't know to who.

I started with my closest circle of friends and it had turned out beautifully. Even though it was only a few that I had confessed my orientation, they still accepted me for who I was and one of those friendships actually grew stronger because of that.

Phew, that was a lot longer than I expected. That's my sort-of story to my journey to today. I'm still sort of suffering from identity crisis (I find that I can't truly let go of having a heterosexual relationship, regardless of how much I fancy males), but it was not as bad as it was when I was 15.

There's a lot of other stories I want to tell (such as the straight crush I'm currently going through right now), but I don't want to risk turning this post into a novel.

Even though I am in no position to give any sort of advice (I'm a senior whose greatest fear is acceptance/rejection letters), if anyone who is in here is in high school, I'm willing to listen.