New androgyne

Greetings all,

I'm new this site and hoping to hear some advice, thoughts, and shared experiences from others who have experienced or relate to some of what I describe below. Thanks in advance! To the site mods - I noticed that many on here are substantially younger than me so, if this is mostly a teen site, please let me know so I can take my ranting/ lamentations/ etc. elsewhere.

A general biographical sketch: I'm 26 years old, biologically female, straight (for me, this means that I am exclusively attracted to women), masculine-identified androgyne, an outgoing Master's student/ incoming PhD student in science, and very spiritual. I'm also obsessed with civil discourse, equality, and philosophy. On the nerdier side of things, I write fanfiction despite not caring much for fiction in general. Feel free to inquire further about any of the aforementioned but for now, onto the gender stuff... ugh...

My story isn't necessarily unique. I always felt "different" growing up. I knew that I didn't feel as the girls around me felt nor completely as the boys. As a young child, I actually believed that I could choose my gender at some point; when I realized this wasn't the case, it was really difficult for me. Puberty was incredibly painful and I would say even emotionally traumatic... I was only nine and I remember praying that I God would make me into a proper girl or would help me to be attracted to guys or would keep me from hurting other people by simply being myself. This was always what bothered me, my greatest fear - that by existing, I was harming my family and disappointing society. I tried so desperately to conceal it but by the age of 11, I felt like I was dying inside of myself. I felt like I was diseased with a darkness that would slowly destroy me if I didn't fight it. So, I came out as a lesbian and quickly chucked every piece of women's clothing that I owned. Problem solved, right? Wrong.

My body dysphoria only worsened with age. My posture became a perpetual slouch as I tried to conceal my chest. I nearly fainted in martial arts class because I had on four shirts. I became fearful of people. Men couldn't be trusted because they would want to take away my masculine identity and expose me as a "fraud." Women couldn't be trusted because they would want to mock me and call attention to the body I hated. I refused to stop homeschooling because I was afraid I'd be beaten at school and that no one would help me. Who would stand up for a freak, anyway, right? I wished that I had never been born. I felt like a curse upon my family, that they were ashamed of me and would rather I'd disappeared. So, I tried to disappear. I locked myself in my room, into the stories where I could be free and feel like someone might love me despite myself. I didn't speak much anymore because I thought nobody wanted to hear what I thought or the huskiness of my voice. By the age of 17, I was too afraid to order my own food at restaurants. Then, I started college.

I started college in 2006 while recovering from a severe accident-induced concussion. I was also recovering from back and neck injuries from a car accident two years prior. I was the definition of awkward. I'd packed on twenty pounds, dressed in baggy, awful clothes to conceal my chest and was resolved not to speak except... I am obsessed with learning. I quickly discovered that my desire to learn and show what I'd learned outweighed my fear of people seeing me. In fact, I decided to be a poster child of "normal while trans." I dressed in the standard uniform of guys my age - polos and jeans. I cut my hair very conservatively. I became president of the LGBTQ organization at my school. I made fliers and tabled events. I was alone. The other members thought that I wasn't "gay enough" and that I was ashamed of them - well, at least they got the last part right. I was embarrassed to be seen with people who drew so much attention to themselves because I thought it was my job to make all of "queerdom" appear palatable to all of "straightdom." It's ridiculous, of course, but that was how I thought. Things didn't really change even once I got to university. Once again, I was rejected by the LGBTQ community. I was "too short" and "not macho enough" to be trans, according to them. The fact that I'm straight and all of the other transguys there were bi didn't help - they thought that I was "lying to myself" to conform to a heteronormative society. What's bizarre is that I was protective of their rights while they dismissed mine.

At some point during the last year of undergrad, I became more visible through my research. I lost weight, changed my name, and started caring more about work than gender. I do care more about my work than my gender but... I can't escape myself to go to work so, I realize now that ignoring it is not a viable solution. Since starting grad school in 2012, I have ignored it, even played up the feminine aspects of my personality to avoid being question about my clothing or anything else. So, what's different? The difference is that for the first time, I have friends - real friends - who love me. They don't *know* about my gender but I think that I'm gonna come out to them soon - to everyone officially. Why? Because I'm sick of hiding it. I'm sick of feeling like I'm an exception to how I treat others. I don't tolerate discrimination against anyone so, why would I tolerate it for myself? I'm tired of hating my body. I'm tired of hating myself or the self that I deceive others into seeing. The hardest part is that I'm mixed. I'm a man, yeah. But I'm a little bit woman, too. Or maybe I'm just a feminine man? I'm not a masculine woman. It's frustrating; at some point, I felt very male but now, I feel very mixed. I'm still in the process of convincing myself that that's OK and deciding what to do from here.

So, that's my long intro.

- Gates

 

@SnowWhite - you're very nice, thank you.

@FireSmoke - we must talk about our shared interest in Haruka and Michiru someday...

And to everyone, I also just started this blog so, we'll see how that goes! Transcending Binaries | A blog discussing topics related to transgender identity and expression.