New and Completely Freaking Out

*waves*

My identity has gone through several major overhauls and I really thought I was okay with it. I have never been weird about my attraction to various points on the spectrum (men, women, trans folks); I have never experienced turmoil because of this. I thought I was comfortable with it all. Later, I found the BDSM community and I was even more secure in my role in the world.

And then, several things started adding up.

When I was like five and just started school, I was pretty convinced I was a boy. I never really played with other kids until I started school, so I had no frame of reference. I didn't like dolls or Barbie or anything, I always liked books and dinosaurs and stuff like that. (My first love and I met at age five and I was close to her until age twenty-three, so that happened around then too.) I was never a girly-girl by any stretch.

My family gave me quite a lot of manure about that, so I ended up doing what everyone else did. Wearing dresses and stuff, making friends with other girls. I wasn't happy, but I figured, if everyone else did it, so could I.

As a teen, I pursued relationships with both boys and girls. I didn't have any concept of gay or straight at that point in time, I just knew I liked who I liked. I developed large breasts early and always hated them and felt awkward, but I figured I might as well live with it, because I was born a girl and was stuck that way.

The older I got, the more of the world and alternative lifestyles I saw. I met all kinds of people, and found acceptance outside the house and church. I thought I was okay. My first husband and I explored cross-dressing (he was interested in female-to-male but only in clothes), and I actually really loved it, but it's scary to go out in public anywhere but the safety of "our" bar and I have those huge awful breasts and it's hard to keep them down all the time.

Flash forward to now.

I'm in a stable, loving relationship with a bisexual male (husband) and at the same time, a wonderful female-to-male trans man. They both know and support each other in this thing. I got to talking about my "body problems", as I've always called it, with the boyfriend and he asked me if I had ever thought about transitioning. I freaked out about it and just couldn't wrap my head around it. For some reason, it didn't even bother me at all that other people are trans, but me? Ruthlessly absurd.
But it got me thinking.

My body issues have gotten bad enough that I'm having trouble functioning every day. Clothes are really starting to upset me and I don't really know what to do because I've just been like, sitting on these feelings for years, convinced there was nothing I could do about the body I got stuck with.
He gave me the info of his transition therapist and I'm going to call, but I'm confused and scared and I have no idea anymore about...I don't know. I really thought I was just stuck as a girl, but secure in that I'm a pan/poly/submissive/girl. It's just weird.

So...nice to meet you guys. I guess I'm just here to understand what's going on in my head and figure out if this is even me. I hope I can help other people too.

 

Thanks, all.