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My Story

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by sorryladies, Mar 29, 2014.

  1. sorryladies

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    Just wanted to introduce myself and tell my story. I've got a lot of questions, but I'll post those later. I apologize if this is long but I really want to get it all down so I have it in writing somewhere.

    I just recently turned 24 and came to realize I'm gay last August, so about 7 months ago. I'm not one of those that figured it out in their early teens but I eventually got there. Looking back on it now, the signs were always there. I think I just justified looking at other guys as "I want to look like him" but now I realize that was attraction (maybe a little envy thrown in). It's pretty funny cause I saw this the other day and this pretty much sums it up.

    http://i.imgur.com/yYHFKh0.jpg

    In a way I feel kind of lucky I didn't figure it out until now since I've read a lot about most people realizing they were gay as young teens and not coming out until late teens/early twenties. I've been keeping this secret for 7 months and it's already starting to weigh on me, I can't imagine dealing with that for 5+ years. At the same time, I envy those who realized it earlier and came out because I feel I have missed out on those "young love" years. I suppose I'm also fortunate because I'm masculine, or 'passable' (whatever you want to call it) and avoided the awful bullying that you hear way too much about.

    Also as a teen I wasn't all that concerned about sex for some reason. I don't feel like my hormones were going crazy like I always hear about with teens, I was more concerned and focused on other things and hanging out with friends. I've been told I'm a good looking guy and have had opportunities for sure but to this day I have never hooked up with a girl (only made out with a few). And of course I've never done anything with a guy. I feel like maybe my anxiety surrounding my inexperience suppresses my sex drive? I don't really know how to explain it but I've never really gotten an erection by just looking at someone so maybe I do have a low sex drive in general?

    Sorry if this is TMI but like I said, I want to get it all down. I looked back at an old hard drive I kept some porn on and found that I actually downloaded gay porn when I was 20. But that's just downloaded so I must've watched it before then. I would mostly look at straight porn though but what I realized was that I would always look at the guy. When searching on the internet I would type in the guys name. I knew a lot of the guys porn names but none of the girls. Again how I didn't realize I was gay earlier is beyond me :bang:. I rememberer one specific incident in high school, I was at the lockers with my buddies and I went to show one of them something on my phone. What I forgot was, when I opened up the web browser there was a hot guy in his underwear that I had been looking at. I quickly made up the excuse that my sister was using my phone :lol:. Also I remember stealing my sisters Abercrombie magazines and looking at the guys in them:grin:. I justified looking at these guys as, again, wanting to look like them. I've always been into lifting and working out so I thought I was just cataloging what features I wanted or what looked good that I could improve on.

    I should mention I think I did have mild depression for the past few years. Although I would be social (mostly when drinking and going to parties at school), most of the time I would be distant and spend a lot of time in my room even at school living with my roommates. After I graduated it got a worse because I wasn't sure what direction my life was going. Although I'm still figuring that out, once I realized I was gay it got a lot better I feel.

    I'm starting to feel more and more comfortable with the idea of being gay but I have days when the thought of coming out seems overwhelming. I know this is normal but I feel like the difficulty with me comes from my past behavior around my friends. I'm ashamed I acted this way but I guess it's what they call internalized homophobia. I used to use gay slurs a lot, as did my friends. I've obviously stopped now and since we're out of college and I guess more mature (debatable :icon_wink), their use I've noticed has significantly decreased as well, but not totally ceased. On any given night I'll hear at least 10-15 'that's so gay', 'don't be a fag' type comments, I don't think they are doing this out of actual hate but more so habit. On top of that, I would often comment on 'hot girls'. I mean I did find them attractive (or so I thought) but once I allowed myself to look at guys in that way, my attraction to women faded pretty quickly. That's what kind of trips me up because I genuinely thought I was straight and found these girls 'hot' but I guess it was the way my brain was conditioned? Idk maybe someone can give me some insight on this.

    As for my family, I feel like they will actually be easier to come out to than my friends. My behavior around them was never like that with my friends. They are very open minded and have never said anything against homosexuals that I can remember. They may even suspect it…although they still bring up occasional comments like…'once you find a girl…', 'when you get married, your wife…'. I mean you would think they would catch on as I've never been in a relationship for 24 years! My sister has asked me numerous times, 'when are you going to get a girlfriend?' (this was back when I thought I was straight still) and my dad would always tell her not to push me. Weirdly my dad has never asked or had those type of conversations with me. I sometimes wonder if he knows but somehow my mom and sister do not? But still, when I come out I think I'll tell my dad last cause I'm worried about disappointing him. He probably will act like he isn't disappointed, but I think deep down a lot of dads want their son to be the 'player' who gets all the girls, blah blah blah, etc…

    So this brings me to my current state. Within the last few months I have joined some gay dating/hookup sites just to talk to other guys like me. Being new to this whole thing, I didn't realize some of them were hookup sites as I don't think I'm the 'hookup' type…at least at my current comfort level. As soon as they would ask for my number or to meet up I would get too nervous and cut off all communication. Recently though I came across a guy on a well known dating site that seemed to be just my type and he seems really cute from his pictures. Well we messaged for a bit and he ended up giving me his number. I end up texting him (first guy I've given my number out to) and we text back and forth and I let him know I'm not out yet (incase he has a problem with that, I want to be upfront). He says he doesn't and that my secret's safe with him. So I end up sending him a few face pics which is HUGE for me. Essentially he is the first person I've come out to. Turns out we have mutual friends on FB. This has me a little anxious/nervous but he seems like a great guy and I'm excited to see where it goes.

    As for the future…I want to wait until I'm financially independent before I come out (just in case, even though I really don't see it going that way). Anyway, I live in the midwest and I've always wanted to move to California. I'm just now starting to apply to jobs out there. I feel like I want wait to come out after I move but I'm not sure if this is me wanting to distance myself from the possible awkwardness after coming out.

    If you made it this far, THANK YOU!

    Questions related to my story:

    How the hell did I genuinely think I was straight this long (23 years)?

    What do you think about me waiting to come out until I move?

    Any other insight on my story would be greatly appreciated!
     
  2. deejay

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    FIRST OF ALL, WELCOME TO EC!!!

    That's quite an introduction and very interesting story...

    >>> There's no right or wrong answer to that, because we all come out into our own terms. As for me I have long denied it for 26 years and right now I haven't come out yet to my family. But admitting and accepting it myself has set me free and coming out to a few close friends has been very comforting. But at the age of 7 I already knew there's something different within me.

    >>>> This is something you have to decide for yourself. It might be a good idea though, because sometimes we need to prove something to ourselves first that whoever we become or whatever we decide to be, we are capable of handling things our way. But of course you still have to take into consideration, that having family support on what you're going through is still important than being on your own.


    >>> You seem like a sincere and committed person, just take it slow, no rush in coming out. When you do, just be sure you're ready. Good Luck, and again WELCOME TO EC... :icon_wink (*hug*)
     
  3. Dus69

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC.
    I got to admit, i didn't expect to read such a libg intro, but i understand that you've got alot to get off your chest.
    Answer to your:
    ->1st question:
    I don't know if there is a ONE answer to that question; fundamentaley, we're all different and so are our feelings. For me, i started to suspect i preferd guys since i was 12 or 13 years old, and for a good years i was like you, checking out guys cause i thought i wanted to be like them, passing comments on cute girls to try and deny things, etc. i only started to slowley accepted myself a few years ago and still i've only now started to come-out and still having trouble acccepting myself. So don't worry, it's tough, but once it's out there it starts to feel better.

    ->2nd question:
    It's your call really; if you think it's whats best then go for it, but make sure it's what YOU WANT, and not what you think is best for others; this is'nt about them it's about you.

    ->3rd question:
    Take your time!! The worlds still going to be here for a ling time, and like i said earlyer, it's about how you feel.

    If you ever want to talk private message me or contact me ob my wall, it'll be my pleasure to help you out, i know how it feels to just want to be done figuring things out.
     
  4. lovely lesbian

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  5. Plushieluver

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    Hola, lovely person! :slight_smile: Welcome to EC, I hope you are doing most fine :slight_smile: Your story isn't anything to be worried about, I assure you. You just didn't know, or perhaps you did but society made you suppress it to a point where you couldn't even consciously feel it but it was there all along subconsciously.


    Now, about the porn bit. Well, if you've always felt a weak sexual drive, then it could just be you, so nothing to worry about :slight_smile: However, I do need to say something. Watching porn can reduce your sexual drive ten fold because porn, it isn't how reality sex goes, so it's filling your mind with all of these things that don't really happen in a normal, stable relationship. It also reduces your sexual drive because you're watching a new guy from time to time, so you're used to a selection but that's not how life goes, so you really gotta tame it there. That is, if you still watch gay porn. If you don't, then don't worry :slight_smile:



    I'm quite sure there is nothing to worry about, though. You don't *have* to get an erection around a hot guy, it isn't a rule :slight_smile: Some people just aren't turned on unless you're with that guy, and you're in love with him. Sometimes love can power a sexual urge, so don't be too bummed by it, okay? Just so you know, I don't get turned on, as you could say unless that guy's exposed and that's how most of us work, so don't worry. You don't *need* to have a sexual mind, it's in fact safer for you and your partner. It can build some really healthy relationships and it can protect you from falling victim to hooking up with any hot guy just for sex, so don't worry. This is you, be proud and embrace your flaws and see what good can come from them. We all have flaws, it just depends how you look upon them :slight_smile:



    Well, I hope I've helped you, even if it's just a little bit. I really hope I haven't came off as harsh, just trying to help you :slight_smile:


    Have fun around here, and I hope you find your way :slight_smile:
     
  6. Illus1

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    Welcome! Dude u'r story seems so similar to mine, you know that I'm just 'comparing' myself stuff also I wasn't really serious with girls & sex wasn't the world etc.

    Like someone above said don't worry & wonder why you thought you were straight for so long, it just takes a long time for some of us to warm up to the idea for the brain to accept that switch, I remember when I was making profiles & stuff every little step was 'a big deal' and after time passes it get's easier.

    About when to come out just do what feels right and when and how you want heck there's no pressure to do so, although some people might say otherwise.

    Do enjoy around here this is a really good and helpful forum !
     
  7. mbanema

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    Bienvenue! This is a really awesome site so I hope you stick around; it's been so refreshing for me to at least be able to talk with other people who have experienced similar situations, even if I haven't made any progress on actually coming out.

    This sounds awfully familiar to me -- my parents are much the same way. It seems like my mom's favorite thing to say to me is "when are you going to find a wife?" or, if I'm being a pain in the ass, "how are you ever going to find a wife?" :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: I've also never been in a relationship and am a few years older than you are so whether they know or strongly suspect or not, they have to have at least considered the possibility that I'm gay at some point; I don't see how they could be that clueless. I just wish they'd ask me about it though because I honestly don't think I'll ever be strong enough to approach them about it and I desperately want to be out now.

    It's interesting that you say your dad never makes those comments though; mine is exactly the same way. The closest he's ever said is "if you ever have kids of your own" and that was probably a couple of years ago and I don't remember the context. I know for sure that he'd be disappointed to know for sure that I'm gay, but I know he wouldn't hate me for it or anything so it's possible he's already made his peace with it, even if he doesn't want to let me know.

    This also sounds a lot like me. A few months ago I came across any absolutely stunning guy on one of those apps (who says he's not into hook-ups) and actually worked up the nerve to send him a message. To my shock he actually gave me a chance and wanted to go on a date, to which I regretfully had to turn him down because I think it would end up being a bad thing for me to get involved with someone while still in the closet, especially since he's out. I've thought about that every day since then...depresses the hell out of me sometimes. =/

    Again though, welcome to EC and good luck! If you really like this guy I sincerely hope you have the confidence and courage to take a chance and see what happens. The longer you wait to act the more difficult it becomes.
     
  8. gabi2014

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    bienbenido (welcome):icon_bigg. u camr to the right place to express ur self safely
     
  9. Ravi-VIXX777

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    Hello there! I will continue reading your story tomorrow. As for the picture, I find it interesting. Welcome!!
     
  10. Hipptogryph

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    My friends were just like that (though were all only 15.) They used to and still use saying like that, but even when I came out to them, they still liked me for who I was, no who I liked. True friends will do so an if they don't? WHO NEEDS THEM! There are plenty of more people in the world that will love and accept you for who you are. Nice to meet you!
     
  11. sorryladies

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    Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the replies and advice!

    I guess I just wonder how I'm going to explain it to people when I come out? "well funny thing is... turns out I'm gay" I have a feeling people are going to have a hard time wrapping their head around the fact that this realization came so late in life. Especially since I commented on girls so much, eyed girls walking by, and regrettably used gay slurs.

    I'm also worried that if things don't work out with this guy or I decide I'm not quite ready for all this yet, that he'll get made and out me to someone (since we have a few mutual friends).

    @mbanema I read your story and can definitely relate to a lot of it.

    This. I look through a lot of profiles and only a select few catch my eye as well. I'm not sure I like that I'm that picky but I can't really help it I guess. Also you talking about starting something with a guy while still in the closet...I've thought about this a lot in the past few months and I agree I don't think it's fair to the other person (which has me second guessing this guy I've been talking to. It's just hard because I want to explore my sexuality to get comfortable with it but don't want to do it with some random hookup.

    Also this.
    You actually got closer to coming out than I have yet. The fact that you seriously contemplated writing that letter is a big step and more than I can say.
     
  12. mbanema

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    I'm glad you came back to this thread! :slight_smile:

    I don't think this should be too much of a concern. If you're able to generate enough courage to come out, I think most people (supportive or not) can at least understand why a guy would build up a facade, even if it wasn't done consciously. Coming to terms with your sexuality and coming out is a really, really tough thing to do. I don't think you'll have to do a lot of explaining for your past. Some people might be surprised, but that doesn't matter.

    I think it's unlikely that a gay person would use your sexuality as a weapon like that. Obviously if something really terrible happens between you and you get into a massive fight it's not impossible, but odds are that won't be the case.

    Are you willing to be out to your mutual friends? If so I suggest giving him a chance if you really like him and feel like he's into you as well. If you pass up a great opportunity you'll definitely regret it (I should know... =/). On the other hand, if you're going to insist on keeping your relationship a secret from absolutely everybody I think you're setting yourself up for failure, especially if he's out and you're not. I don't have any experience to make this statement conclusively, but I think that would eventually add too much strain to the relationship.

    I don't think you necessarily have to tell your parents about your relationship right away (although for me they're the only ones I feel I really need to come out with and still won't do it), but to hide it from people who play an important role in both of your lives is asking a lot.

    Welcome to the [sad] club! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I don't feel particularly guilty about it. I feel a little bit dumb sometimes because I know most of the guys I'm attracted to probably wouldn't give me the time of day, but it is what it is. It's not like you're really getting to know people by reading their profiles and refusing to associate with them because they're not attractive enough; you're just going on a picture or two and an extremely limited amount of information to see who you might have potential interest in. Chances are you're looking on these sites for a potential relationship, not new friends so I don't think it's a bad thing to focus only on the people you are attracted to.

    I don't think it's much of a step. It's very easy for me to say I want to come out or even imagine a million different scenarios on how I'd do it, but it's a completely different thing to actually follow through. I won't let myself write a draft because I know it will torment me 24/7 to have that in front of me and be so conflicted about whether or not to click send, even if I'm absolutely convinced it would be one of the most positive things I could do for myself. I hate that fear is overriding logic.

    Good luck though! You may not think so, but from reading your posts I think you're much closer to actual taking that leap than I am and I hope you're able to find the strength to come out and really be yourself.
     
  13. sorryladies

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    I think the fear for me is not losing relationships but more so the way the people in my life will look at me differently. I know this is a common fear but I feel like I almost have an 'inside straight perspective' haha. When I thought I was straight and knew of some gay guys in college, when someone would mention their name I would think "oh yeah, (insert name), he's gay". The first characteristic of them my mind would automatically think of is, 'gay'. I don't want the first thing people associate with me being gay.

    Idk if that's what people actually think or if that was just my messed up, repressed mind putting more emphasis on the gay aspect.

    I came across this on a blog and it really resonated with me:

    "If he's anything like me, then the reason it's slow and hard is because we're used to being kind of the shit and looked up to and whatever. For the most part, I hit the jackpot in terms of what people in our society find respectable and desirable, except for that I'm into dudes, which is not exactly revered. Yes, we've come a long way, but when everyone sees you as X and you've heard the way some people talk about some gay people, many of us are hesitant to be associated with all those stereotypes and the residual stigma."

    The way that guy put it comes across a little arrogant I know but I hope you get where I'm coming from (cause I'm far from a narcissistic douche bag, I definitely have my insecurities)

    So mbanema what is the fear holding you back, if you don't mind me asking?
     
  14. FireSmoke

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    Hi and welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    Your nickname is awesome! :icon_bigg
     
  15. Miiaaaaa

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    We all come to terms with things in our own time! :slight_smile:

    But welcome to EC, it's wonderful here! <3 :slight_smile:
     
  16. mbanema

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    It's honestly hard to explain and kind of pathetic. I think my fear is the awkwardness of the coming out process if that makes any sense.

    I'm not really afraid of how my parents would react. I mean I know they'd be disappointed (although I don't know if they'd openly say so or try to suppress it) and I have a feeling my mom would burst into tears which would be tough to sit through, but in the end they wouldn't hate me or anything like that. They're both pretty conservative (especially my dad), but they've never really said much about LGBT issues at all so while they're probably not big supporters I also don't think they're the type to flip out about it. I'm also not afraid for my safety or well-being since they would never try to hurt me mentally or physically and I'm completely financially independent. The bottom line is absolutely every bit of logic in my head tells me to just do it and my life would be so much better, yet I know that I won't. My hopes lie in them asking me and that's unlikely if they haven't done so yet since I'm already 27.

    I get along pretty well with my parents and they're both awesome people, but for whatever reason we've just never had the kind of relationship where we're comfortable discussing anything really personal. It sounds so incredibly stupid, but at this point I think it would be nearly as difficult to tell them that I have a girlfriend as it would to say "I'm gay." So messed up.
     
  17. sorryladies

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    Thanks for the warm welcomes!


    @mbanema
    I can relate. Me and my parents don't really speak about anything personal either. I mean some things but nothing having to do with my love life. And this cracked me up
    Not stupid at all, I feel the same way. I think they would be as surprised (ok maybe no as surprised) if I said I had a gf as well. Again, I'm not sure if they suspect I'm gay but they should after not being in a relationship for 24 yrs...

    On a side note, I hung out with my friends the other night for the first time in awhile (I've pulled away from them a bit since I've come to this realization but still try to hang out at least once a month) and it seems like they threw around a lot more hateful, homophobic comments than usual. This left me feeling like 'how can I ever come out to these people'.
     
  18. LostAndAffraid

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    My God, there is so much I relate to in this thread, I have only just in the past month accepted I'm gay myself, I have come out to my two best friends but no-one else, and what surprises me is just doing that I am not even trying to hide it anymore. At the bar last night I was full on flirting with a hot guy in front of other friends and no-one even questioned it, I think they must have known all along or something.

    But sadly I am still no closer to telling my family not do I even want to, I'm still afraid what they will think. Even though they probably already know. I really want to start dating just so I can learn more about myself and what I like, but I am afraid of printing someone through being my first. I know that is a big deal and on top of all that I'm still afraid that I'm unlovable.
     
  19. Boban

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    Welcome. I can't believe how many similarities you and I have. Thanks for sharing.
     
  20. sorryladies

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    Would you guys mind sharing your storys/similarities? Or a link to a thread you already did? I like reading other peoples storys that are similar.