husband says I ruined his life....he is losing it!!

So are you gay or bi?
You don't say how long you have been married, but are you really so surprised by his reaction? What reaction did you expect? "Oh, that's great, let's divorce?"
You didn't tell us what you want, what you offered him and what your situation is (both of you) - kids, mortgage, income...

 

Hi there! So let's fast forward and look at life 5 years from now when you've been"living the life". Do you see either one of you happy? Ignoring your feelings does not make them go away. Both of you deserve the ability to go out and find someone who makes you happy and fulfills you. Mixed orientation marriages can work but, in my opinion, only for a limited time. I've been married 10 years and out to my spouse for about 4... but we both know this is temporary and that at some point we will move on from each other.

If your best friend came to you with this problem what advice would you give her?

You might also check out the "Later in Life" section of the forum. Lots of folks who've been in long term relationships have some great advice over there.

Hang in there!

 

Hello! WELCOME TO EC!!! Just hang on there, things will get better too... In the meantime we are here to support you... Have a nice day!!! =)

 

You must be Feeling just like my Mom last year.
She told my father she was bi and wanted to divorce, and then he got really depressed for some months, but now he is improving and dating other woman. They were married for 28 years.

My Mom was down because of my father sutuation, but she was tired of living a lie....

Time fixes those kind of things, i hope things will turn out good for you, as they did with my Mom.

 

So just to be clear, he's prepared to ruin YOUR life just so his life wasn't ruined for nothing?

He is prepared to make you both live in misery and wants to put you in a situation where if you EVER mess something up he can hold this over you and say "You shut up, you already ruined my life once" and still thinks he's in the right?

 

Holly this is not fair. If a kid comes up to their parents, we say, be patient, your parents need time. The OP told her husband seven days ago. He feels cheated. If he wanted to have a happy ever after with her and didn't see it coming, he will hardly be happy and reasonable within a week. He probably feels that she had to know when she married him and feels betrayed. He probably feels sorry that she didn't told him sooner - depending how long their marriage is.

 

I agree to a point. Yes he needs time to get over it, yes he's in shock and yes it'll be hard for him.

But let's take your child example.

If a child comes out to their parents, we say they need time. What we don't do is tell that child that their parents have the right to force them back into the closet for their sakes.

In the OPs own words " He truly believes I should force myself to keep living a lie for
his sake". It'll be a cold day in hell before I tell someone that this is acceptable.

Absolutely he needs time to deal with it and I hope he does, but pretending the problem doesn't exist is not the way to go about it.

 

Well, he and the OP seem to follow the same pattern - she is also hesitant to communicate with us and deal with the problem. Maybe she dropped the bomb on his head and that was it. And unless she comes back and share with us how long they have been married, where they live, if they have kids and what their financial situation is, she can hardly expect us to give her any advice.
Because if they do have kids and they live in America, it is quite possible that yes, she did ruin his life. Because divorces is America seem to break guys' lives pretty often (from the financial point of view).

It's very unfortunate when a gay person decides to try a straight marriage. And if this is the only reason for the divorce talk, then she is the one who should be generous and patient.
In a way she had forced her husband to live a lie (she let him invest in a marriage with the person who he believed was compatible with him and let him believe they had a chance of happy future together. If he knew, you would hardly do that.) - he just found out and needs a lot of time to deal with the thought.

I am very hesitant to buy the "beyond reasoning" thing.