Hello :)

Snazzybrat here; a totally random username I thought of. By gods, I almost typed in my usual username, but then I realised that I use that username for EVERYTHING, and my friends would find it... and I would be forced come out against my will.

Phew, lucky I didn't!

I've come here because I'm uncomfortable with talking about my homosexuality. I don't know why I am, I just am! I'm not uncomfortable with being gay personally. I accept it. I like men. I've known this since I was twelve. I fully embraced it when I was 13 or 14, and since then I've fought I battle with myself. Not a battle of acceptance- that had already passed- but a battle with my false exterior I have hidden myself within. This is very hard to explain, but I'll try my best.

Where to begin? I start by saying that I also have a high functioning autism, or so I was diagnosed with when I was 16. I still question if that is the right part of the spectrum I belong to, or somewhere else. I mean, growing up, I was certainly not high functioning. Mind you, I could read, I could write, communicate (to some degree :dry etc... what I couldn't do is function. xD. As you can imagine, growing up was quite hard for me. I was bullied all throughout primary school, and none of my supposed friends were actually my friends at all. I would overload every single day and cry. Often it was because I'd lost my pen, or someone said something mean to me, or whatever. I was self-conscious and extremely socially awkward. I was desperate to have friends... I was even willing to lie to both myself and others to do so. Deep inside, I knew my "friends" weren't really my friends at all and that they were bullies. But I pretended they were. And so I followed them. And so I succumbed to peer pressure day after day. I won't get into this with too much details, but they would dare me to do some very socially unacceptable things just for a laugh.

Coming out of Primary School, I began to function better. I no longer cried so often and learned to function better as a whole. I'd stopped faking my interests. I guess you could say I started "being true to myself"... well, not fully. I mean there was still the friendship issue. My "best friend" was a total :***: ! I overcame that in grade 9 though (!) At around that time, I began to surround myself with people who actually accepted me and to this day they are still my friends. I no longer lie to myself. I've ALMOST stopped lying to others. I'm open about my opinions, my interests, my hobbies etc. The one thing I am extremely uncomfortable talking about is my homosexuality.

Dunno why, I just can't. I want to, more than anything else in the world, but I just cant begin the steps to do so. It's not because I fear being rejected, since most of my family are extremely accepting of homosexuality and most of my friends are too, I just can't. I try to explain it, but I fail to do so. I mean, in the four-five years i've been trying to come out, I've only told one person. That wasn't even in person, that was on facebook. I didn't even directly say, "I'm gay." I just hinted it out and let him guess. (Boy, he's thick though- it took him a while! :lol He didn't seemed to care really, and our friendship never changed. We haven't spoken about since, and for some reason I am scared to bring it up again. Essentially, it doesn't feel like a victory any more for that reason. Today I came to the realization that, for me, talking to him about it would essentially be like coming out to him again I can imagine myself in the future, out of the closet to the entire world, and everybody already knowing about it. It's the prospect of initiating it that frightens me. Sometimes I feel that I fully understand myself... but then I try to tell someone I'm gay and I completely freeze up. I realise then... I don't... yet. :bang: :help:

Does any of this even make sense? I feel like I'm rambling. I guess I really needed to get some of my feelings out there and this has helped me to do so.