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Hello

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by MumWithAGayKid, Apr 23, 2014.

  1. MumWithAGayKid

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    Hello.

    I hope everyone is doing well.

    I'm essentially posting here as a concerned parent. My son came out last week and I noticed in the parental controls on his computer that he's visited this site a lot during that time. Looking through the forum posts, I know which account is his based on what was said and I am also very upset about some of the things he's said. Is there a way I can search for all of his posts?

    Thanks
     
  2. CharlsOn

    CharlsOn Guest

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    Welcome!!
    Why don't you ask your son himself bout the things you want to know?
     
  3. FireSmoke

    FireSmoke Guest

    Welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    Don't do nothing without he knows. If you want to know anything, just ask to him.
     
  4. MumWithAGayKid

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    I've tried talking to him and he says he doesn't want to talk about these things or I simply get attitude from him. From what I've seen, he seems willing to talk to people here and as a parent it's extremely disheartening to have your child prefer talking to strangers on the internet over you. I just want to see what he has posted to make sure he's okay and what is bothering him. Is that possible? I just don't want him to get hurt.
     
  5. CharlsOn

    CharlsOn Guest

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    I can imagine how that must feel for you.
    Well, I talk to people here bout the stuff I can't talk with my parents.
    Or I don't want to talk bout. It has a reason why I don't say my mom some things.
    As harsh as it may sounds but if you want to talk to your son you have to prove to him he can trust you. Doing something behind his back may be not the best choice for that.
     
  6. deejay

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    Hi there! Welcome to EC!!! I bet it would be best to talk directly to your son than snoop around on sites he visited... You have to understand what he is going through, which we all hope here you do...
     
  7. Jethro702

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    I kind of agree with this... My parents don't know how I feel or a lot of things about myself as a person... I find them the hardest to talk to, because I know them... I feel as if I'm not good enough for them, which makes me reluctant to talk to them... I find it much easier to talk with this community of accepting individuals. I would suggest bringing up the subject calmly, In time he will open up about such things... he might be going through something tough where he feels he can't talk about it or doesn't want too. I would not force him or do things behind his back as this could worsen the situation further.

    Welcome to EC though, I hope through reading the forums, you can find all the help you need :slight_smile:
     
  8. MumWithAGayKid

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    I'm his mum. It's my responsibility to know what he's up to and make sure he isn't getting into trouble. When you're a just a kid you cannot expect complete privacy. I'm sorry some of you disagree but I'm sure you would feel different if it were your child.
     
  9. FireSmoke

    FireSmoke Guest

    May I ask how old is he?
     
  10. MumWithAGayKid

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    Yes. He turned 14 in March.
     
  11. CharlsOn

    CharlsOn Guest

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    A kid is around 8.

    Do you trust him?
     
  12. FireSmoke

    FireSmoke Guest

    Being apprehensive could be harmful for him. Don't take it for personal about the fact he prefers to speak with "strangers" instead with you.

    Have you ever ask yourself why he wants to speak with us? Because we can feel him. He doesn't feel judged by us.

    Maybe, you think "He's only a kid (he isn't) and I'm his mother. Only me can know what is good for him".

    No. Please, be empathetic with him. Don't judge him. Don't believe you know what is good for him. And don't see us like monsters or superior to you, don't feel step over. He needs to face with people like him.

    For example, if your son likes poker, he will have to be among people who practise this sport, no? Even if you don't know anything about poker.

    The same, if your son is gay, he will need to be among people like him, so he can feel good with himself. Even if you don't know anything about LGTB people.

    But this doesn't mean you're not a good mother. Instead! If you are near him, loving him without judging him and letting him free to express himself and to be among people like him, congrats, you're a very good mother.
     
    #12 FireSmoke, Apr 23, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 23, 2014
  13. Jethro702

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    No, As a child I don't think anyone expects complete privacy or expects a parent to provide that sense they are still responsible for the child. That being said this may be a very sensitive subject for him, this is not to say I'm disagreeing with your worry for him, I understand that. Is there a reason you feel he doesn't want to talk with you on the subject? You seem like a accepting parent, has he had any negative experiences, if he has told anyone besides you his sexuality?

    ---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2014 at 02:10 PM ----------

    *Nods in agreement*
     
  14. MumWithAGayKid

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    I understand that you're a teenager and disagree but he's very much still a child.
     
  15. Chip

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    Hi, and welcome to EC.

    I completely understand your concerns for your son's safety and well being, and the desire to know what's going on for him.

    At the same time, and particularly dealing with the difficult and embarrassing issues surrounding sexualiity and sexual orientation, it is reasonable and appropriate to allow your teen-aged son to have some privacy.

    While posts on EC are public to the extent that anyone can see them, the intention is that they are anonymous, and that's part of our security policy that keeps the community and all of the members of it safe from predators and creepers. So your son is posting here with the intention that he can share feelings he isn't ready to share with you.

    For a teen who is coming to terms with being gay or bisexual (or otherwise questioning him or herself), there's a tremendous amount of shame introduced by society, media, culture, and sometimes unwittingly by family and friends. So I'd suggest treading cautiously here.

    Think about yourself at his age; I'm sure there were things you were sharing with your friends that you didn't want your parents knowing about. For your son, EC is a safe space where he can share his worries and concerns and feelings, and feel empathy and support from others like him. I know it's difficult that you, as his parent, aren't the first place he's going for that support, but you have to understand just how scary it is to realize you are gay or bisexual, and to worry whether or not your parents will accept you. That might sound ridiculous to you, but I assure you, it's a very real (thou obviously unfounded) concern for him.

    We have a growing number of parents participating here, and we created the "parents, family and friends" section specifically for parents to participate, ask questions, and share concerns, so perhaps you'll find some threads in there written by other parents with similar concerns.

    One of the best things about EC is the safety of this community. It is one of the most heavily moderated and secured online communities out there aimed at teens, and our all-volunteer staff of 25 monitor every part of the community and every communication to help keep it safe. Any remotely inappropriate behavior is immediately handled and, frankly, we've set the hurdles high enough that anyone here for the wrong reasons generally leaves pretty quickly because they figure out they won't be successful.

    We also have several professionals on our staff who have counseling or social work credentials, and as a nonprofit public charity, we're bound by mandatory reporting laws. So of all the places for your son to be "talking to strangers" on the internet... this is among the safest and most responsible out there.

    I do completely understand your fears and concerns, and as his parent, you have the legal right and responsibility to ensure his safety. I would, however, remind you that EC is likely his only "safe haven" for what he's feeling right now, and I'd encourage you to consider the impact that your "snooping" on his posts may have on his own feeling of safety here.
     
  16. CharlsOn

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    Why do teenager and disagreeing belong together?
    I've got a 14 year old brother and as far as I can say he's not anymore a child.
    He can take care for himself in some situations but of course not in all.
     
  17. Jethro702

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    Not disagreeing with you completely, Just don't want you to do something that might make the situation worse. I'm sure you wouldn't want that either. Do you think the things you say he said were a heat of the moment type thing, back before he came out to you? I know before I fully accepted myself I said things I regret having said. I didn't want to talk to my parents about anything during that time of conflict with my own mind. That is not to say I do not love them! I still very much do! Even if they have a vastly different frame of mind than my own. As I said with time, gentle conversations, and plenty of love/acceptance these things should become easier for him to talk to you about.
     
  18. FireSmoke

    FireSmoke Guest

    And why the fuc** you are on this website?

    Really because we are teenagers that you have listen to us. How old are you? You cannot understand a teenager's point of view if you're so full of yourself.

    In this manner you act like a bad mother.


    EDIT: I agree with Chip and the others, however.
     
    #18 FireSmoke, Apr 23, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 23, 2014
  19. Jethro702

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    I wouldn't say a bad mother. Just going through an experience that a lot of parents don't have to deal with. So there isn't much guidance on how to deal with it. I understand the concern of the mother... She may be a bit over-concerned though.. as EC is a very safe and regulated website. These experience are scary to all involved sometimes and I would do what Chip said and tread cautiously for the time being.
     
  20. Niko

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    I understand that you are concerned about your son and talking with strangers online; but as Chip has said this is probably one of the safest sites he could be on.
    Personally I'd hate it if my parents say what I post on here, not because I don't love them or trust them, trust me I do with all my heart; but because it's rather personal and I just don't really want them to know.

    Look you have every right about being concerned for your child, but this is probably the one place where he feels safe to talk about things. This is probably one of the few places where he can be himself and not be judged. It's scary growing up different then what fits the norm, and you just want to feel like you're not alone. He is able to relate to people on here, where unfortunately most kids can't with their parents.

    My parents will never be able to feel or understand the way I do, no matter how many times I explain it to them, so that is why I come here. So I don't feel so alone.