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Hello, from far far away!

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by Brandiac, Apr 24, 2014.

  1. Brandiac

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    Hello! I'm just another guy joining because I'm in need of help. But let's leave that for later. :smilewave
    Oh God, this is a wall of text... so any of you reading the whole thing...Thank you so much (*hug*)

    One question I think I'd difinitely be asked is how and when I discovered "who I am", so let's get that out of the way:
    Really, there had been a lot of signs before my realization that I'd rather have guy, I just never really payed attention to them. Whenever my school had these special classes at the town swimming center, obviously you were bound to see what was between other guys' legs and I kinda liked that, but never gave it a thought. I was about 13 back then.
    I could go ahead and list some more occasions, but the point is, that thanks to me putting on weight because of constantly studying at home and becoming the egghead I am today led to me always being picked on, never having any friends (which the internet sort-of changed, but it's the same as giving artificial meat to the starving, it's...more than nothing) . You know I was the one guy who always got hit in the head by a runaway basketball.:tears:

    This resulted in me suppressing my emotions, and when it appeared, any sexual thoughts. I could only laugh back then because I wanted to avoid people looking at me wirdly for not doing. And I could last till I turned 17. I had no idea that I was about to discover that although I did find gilrs visually nice, I was never compatible with them in the head. That's just the way it is. At first I was considering myself as bi, I guess to make it easy on myself and accept it better. But I came to realize that I was lying to myself. So here I am.:icon_sad:

    However it also gave me a pulse to stand up from computer and change. I've lost a quarter of my weight in a year, I've learned to enjoy exercise.:eusa_danc
    I'm still not satisfied though, but that's kind of my maximalism.

    It's just that it doesn't change the fact that I'm after one simple thing. Love. And that's not something ANYONE wants. No matter where I go, no matter what sites I visit from my country, all I see is "Hey send me a picture and let's f***" And I want everything but that kind of attitude. :bang:

    Also, I have to wait... I just CAN'T risk being found out by other people at least until I'm out of high school. (Which is one year) And it's uncertain whether I can move to a totally new place, leaving everything behind. There'd be so many people in the city, each minding their own business, engulfing me in perfect anonimity... I need to stay strong and wait. That's why I associate myself with an encaged phoenix. My element is fire, I want to fly like a bird, and I want to be free...

    There's also the possibility that I have a slight case of paranoia, or whatever you wanna call it. I'm constantly paralized by the thoughts that possibly, I could be being monitored, or what if I make a wrong click, and send this out to the world... That's my death sentence pretty much.
    I have a lot of issues with my mental health, and given enough time and freedom, I could deal with that. But there's so much I need to worry about, school, financial status of my family (which is just me and my mom, with my grandparents living nearby, but the don't know about my...thing) Sometimes I just go to the top floor with the elevator and cry a little. And think about people who are in even worse conditions than me, and that makes me think I have no right to be upset. Meh, my brain is way too complicated even for me to understand. :confused:

    Yeah, so I came for help, I came for advice, and for hope, that I can one day, be myself.
    It's great to be here :slight_smile:
     
  2. Marshal Andrew

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    Hello!

    Welcome to the forum and I hope you enjoy your stay. Wish you the best and peaceful lives!

    Hugs and cheers,
    Andrew
     
  3. Ave

    Ave
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    Well it's very nice to meet you....
     
  4. lovely lesbian

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  5. Jethro702

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  6. Caleb2001

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    Hey:smilewave Welcome to EC. I think you will find that EC is a fantastic place with a lot of nice people willing to help.
     
  7. Miiaaaaa

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    Hello and welcome!
    Congratulations on the weight loss, I hope you reach your goal! :slight_smile:
    And if waiting until after high school is best for you, then wait. High school can be a horrible time for people. Some people actually advise waiting 'til afterwards, since people are a lot more tolerant then!

    Just remember, never be ashamed to be you! You're a wonderful person! :slight_smile:

    PS. You have a right to be upset, people have it worse, but also people have it better. Just try not to let it get you down, things will pick up. If things are bad, it can only get better, right? :slight_smile:
     
  8. happydavid

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    Hi hope you find what you need to know
     
  9. bingostring

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    Hey - and welcome to EC.

    The weight loss is a great achievement and it will encourage you to do other things. And a year till you leave school is worth waiting for. It will go quickly.

    Please use EC to sound out any other views on almost any other topic !!!
     
  10. CharlieHK

    CharlieHK Guest

    :welcome: to EC! :slight_smile: