Hi - says somebody you don't know.

Well, this is funny. I came here to do everything but question my sexuality. Nevertheless, here I am, chatting with you...Let's start since the beginning, shall we? (beware, this may be long)

You can call me "fruit". I don't think I'll be revealing my real name. Maybe the time will come. I'm sixteen. I love drawing, and writing. In fact, I am here because I am writing a story. That was the reason I first entered this forum. But, I started thinking. Thinking is bad, isn't it? All the doubts that haunted you, and that you purposely locked away, free themselves. Just like that.

I never had a crush on a girl. It's true, sometimes a woman's beauty can leave me in awe. But that's all. I don't need to kiss them. In fact, I don't want to kiss them. I draw them, that's what I do. I *know* I won't feel the urge to do anything with them like I would kiss, say, leonardo di caprio in the Titanic.I actually dreamed of a charming prince when I was little, and I still do. For me, it has always been boys. Boys, boys, boys. So, you would think I'm perfectly and totally straight, right? like, say, a 100% straight, right?

Well, actually...I'm not so sure.

These doubts started when I was a kid. The first time I thought I could be a lesbian I was, I think, 12 years old. I don't know how that conversation started, but I remember I was curious about people revealing their sexuality to their parents. If I was a lesbian, would mom stop loving me? I decided to ask.
"I will always love you", she said.
I nodded, but it didn't convince me.Then she asked;
"What, you are a lesbian?" (she actually asked that)
"Of course not! Why would you think that!" I refuted very quickly.
But it left me thinking; I've never been in a relationship, no one has ever been attracted to me. No matter how hard I tried to be liked by a boy, luck just wouldn't knock my door. Maybe I am a lesbian, after all, I thought (I believed that if all boys boycotted me, it was a sign. Maybe my destiny was to be with girls?). That thought didn't last long, and I never told anyone about it.

Everything changed after THAT happened.
I had a best friend, and I liked her very, very much. She was so important to me. Nevertheless, I never thought about doing anything "weird" with her. Oh, wait, right. It happened once.
One day, I may have been thirteen or fourteen, she invited me to come over to her house. I was all excited, because I loved being with her, and being in her house was more than fun. So I was in her room, and we were talking. Then, I'd say something, and she'd jump over me. We were very close, and it felt...I don't know, very intimate. And that's when a "weird" feeling crossed my mind. For a moment, a very short moment, I felt attracted to her. It scared me, so I killed that feeling as soon as I realized how unfitting it was.

Now, you need to know that I usually don't touch people. Rather, I usually don't touch boys. It's not that I don't like it (because I do), but I feel very awkward when it happens. I kind of start to blush when the boy I like touches me. Now, it's the contrary when it comes to girls. In fact, I want to touch them, because I kind of feel very intimate when I do. You know, they're girls, so they're instantly friends. I have nothing to blush for, do I?

That leads me to think; what happened may have been just curiosity. I've never been so close to a boy, so maybe I found some kind of replacement in my best friend? I don't know. I don't remember if it happened again, but I would say no.

Then, what's the big deal, do you ask. I wouldn't be so confused if it was only that. But, guess what? It's not the only thing... This is very awkward, 'cause I don't tell people these things. It's hard. Well...Hum...how do I say this?

Watching lesbians turns me on.

Well, it actually happens with anything (gays and heterosexuals are on the list, too). So what, why is this odd? Oh boy. Let's just say that lesbians are more "sexy" to me than are a boy and a girl together. Maybe's just because I'm very open-minded? Hell, whatever it was, I was doing very good with my stuff (thinking I may not be the only straight girl who happens to like lesbian stuff) until some friend told me that she couldn't bear watching two girls "making out". Then I thought, am I supposed to feel rejection when watching lesbians? It's "normal" (whatever that means) for boys to be turned on by lesbians. However, I'm not a boy. I've fantasized with women. And not just once.

So I thought; Oh, maybe I'm just bisexual. Would I kiss a girl? I don't know, the idea doesn't seem unpleasant. Would I have an actual romantic relationship with a girl? I just don't know. Well, I think the first one's more likely to happen that the second one, but still, what do I know?
In fact, how are you supposed to know this stuff?

I might as well be on a phase or whatever. Again, who knows? Am I supposed to try and see what happens?

I don't want to tell anybody until I'm sure and, honestly, I'm kind of scared to find out.

Annnnd that's kind of my story. Now, I want to know yours.
I'm very pleased to meet you all!

 

Hi!!
Sheesh... I thought I edited this post. How do you edit? Now I have two posts saying the same thing...*sigh*
I'm very pleased to meet you all!
And about what I said, I made up my mind. I will just let it flow, and I'm willing to experience (easier said than done, ha!)
Anywaay, hi! (bis)