Uh...it's complicated?

Hi everyone

just got out of bed unable to sleep and here I find myself.

Not sure what I'm looking for except maybe to share a little bit, as I increasingly wrap my head around...things...

In short, I'm a "lesbian trapped in man's body". It is so ridiculous to say that, it's such a stupid cliche, and even I used to say it jokingly. But increasingly it feels less like a joke and more like an indication of...an actual identity that needs to be clarified and honored.

Some of this understanding actually stems out of living with a certain shamanic culture in Mexico, where I received indications that I was connected to an ancestral lineage of women. There have been plenty of other signs (like being told by a Tibetan lama I was a nun a few times, which I sometimes get dreams about etc; I am actually a Zen monk now). This Mexico thing initiated a few years of inner revelation and insight. Suddenly I was able to look at my life in this light and have so many things fall into place, to make full sense.

I won't get into tons of biographical details, but basically I don't have any particular problem with being male gendered - except for the limitations imposed on me due to it. I have no impulse for a surgical solution, which feels unnecessarily violent to this body, though I don't judge those who feel so strongly the need to undergo that.

I am an artist; I went to art school. I have had and have many LBGT friends; I have been easily accepted and feel very comfortable amongst the "spectrum." But what has never been fully acknowledged by me or others is how I feel like I relate to that spectrum.

One indicative thing that has hit me over the head lately is to realize how many lesbian-identifying women I dated when I was younger. There were a number of times that women were attracted to me who thought they'd resolved their status, and men were a thing of the past. I felt especially comfortable with these women, and that I could really be myself. They couldn't believe themselves they were with a man (and it caused problems for some of them with peers), but I was sometimes more feminine in numbers of ways than they were. Sexually it always worked surprisingly well. Stellar in fact.

I think about all the close gay male friends I've had, and how I end up being the tag along with their lesbian pals. When I was younger, I grew my hair out in college and was often mistaken as a girl; I was often told I was "pretty" rather than "handsome" by friends and lovers. So many gay men, and some women, would ask me "are you sure you're not gay?" Not because I was especially femme, but that looking at my life one could assume I'd be gay (artist, designer, writer, groomed, tasteful, neat freak, etc). I assumed a more conventional masculine appearance later, but I always feel the need to "accessorize", soften any machismo.

I have almost zero sexual interest in men; the only men I have ever been attracted to have tended to be sort of "quietly effeminate". I have never had a homosexual encounter; the idea sort of repulses me, in this very lighthearted, purely instinctual way (I have zero prejudice against same sex orientation). I feel if I was attracted to men, I would have no problem saying so and acting on it. I have been around gay men my entire adult life; I know I could be embraced and understood among brothers, if being gay were the case.

My primary inner identity, even sexually, feels clearly and definitively female. I can go to the male end of that spectrum - I have been doing a lot of work recognizing the "anima" of the male persona, and the "animus" of the female inner life. It gets quite nuanced. We are all so much more than we realize; but sometimes things are simpler than we allow them to be. Like me admitting I feel like a woman, with a penis, who likes other women and mainly wants to be with them socially, and exclusively sexually. My whole sexual drive feels emotionally based - I have never related to conventional male stereotypes and sexual cliches. I have always taken this inordinately personal offense at chauvinism and misogyny, and have worked for women's rights. I am a staunch and ardent feminist.

I am not a cross dresser, with no interest in it beyond wearing cute mens underwear and Indian jewelry. I am in my 40's - I have a style and persona that generally works for me. I have been with my wife for 10 years, married for 7. We're having issues, with this gender issue not being really a factor, except in how I am awakening to needing to embrace it. I am desperate to have kids, and feeling pretty frustrated to be in this position, where I can't do much about it myself, with a wife who is opposed (a big issue). How to do that becomes the current question. Airing it out like this is one way. Happy to hear feedback.