I'm a 22-year-old female. I thought I had it all figured - I identified as a lesbian for years, dated one guy, and since then have called myself bisexual. But now I'm really doubting myself. I realized part of why I've been turning down all offers is just a lack of desire to actually BE with a guy, even if there's some theoretical, I'll-look-but-don't-want-to-touch, kind of aesthetic attraction that stops the moment it includes me in the picture. But it's not like I'm repulsed by guys... there is a bit of attraction. I just don't want to be with one. I don't know if I'm bisexual or a lesbian and I really want to figure it out already.
Lesbians can still have aesthetic attractions to guys. Being bisexual means you have sexual desires for both men and women. Up to you to find yourself; whether you're just a lesbian who thinks guys are 'hot' or a bisexual that hasn't found a guy you're comfortable with yet. Good luck!
I did the exact same thing of returning to calling myself bisexual after calling myself gay, and now realising that it did not make much sense. Labels are useless in terms of figuring out what you want and who you are. Sexuality is on a spectrum, for me realising that just because I am not averse to men, it does not mean that I actually am attracted to them in the same way as women has been a liberating experience. It is part of our heterosexist culture to kind of impose the necessity for feeling aversion for the opposite sex to qualify as 'properly gay', and anything else is 'bisexual'= likes men for everything. Being bisexual in the sense of 'Not Completely Always Only Attracted To One Sex" is not the same as being A Bisexual= attracted to both sexes for actual sex (and capable of having a sexual/romantic relationship with them), with similar levels of intensity/emotions. There is no magical cut-off point which makes you either gay or bi! I think there is some overlap between the two, and if you happen to fall in that area you feel like you want to know which one you are, but it is up to you to figure out what is more an accurate description of you. In my case being somehow bi, but with a very strong preference for women and lack of ability to connect with men just means that I identify as gay. I don't desire to sleep with or be in a relationship with a man, I am not even sure I am attracted to them sexually, I just kind of relegated them to complete background and concentrate on my attractions to women, because they are more fun! If I happen to like something about a guy, then so be it, its ok, it does not change who I am, I am still more gay. It is a subtle thing...maybe you can think of yourself as homoflexible? or queer? I'd suggest you put your labels on hold for a while, and date women, see how it feels! Good luck!
I think problems like this are due to the fact that women are told they HAVE to be attracted to men to be normal, because It's what women 'do'. So when a lesbian finds herself thinking men are 'hot' to some degree (Even if there's no sexual or romantic interest), she has to question herself that she could be bi. Meanwhile, when a straight woman thinks that women are hot/sexy, she never feels the need to question herself or ask people if they think she's a lesbian or bi. That's why, even though I don't believe in forcing labels on people and I think only they can know, I do like to bring up to questioning women that they can still be and identify as a lesbian while finding men 'hot'. Their sexuality should be about romance and sex. Not aesthetics. I do understand the sentiment why some people say they could be 'bi", which I agree with, but at the same time I don't think it helps the confusion for lesbians who can admire a mans looks. So I try to bring both point of views up.
I think if you can notice a good looking man or or say oh that guys hot you can still be a lesbian it's only if you have sexual desire towards men and seek them out for sexual pleasure that I think you could be bisexual and falling raises a good point .
I think my problem is that it's like... I am sometimes, though very rarely, sexually attracted to a guy. I managed to feel aroused when I was with my one ex-boyfriend, though not as much as I get aroused with women. BUT the moment my ex-boyfriend touched me, and especially after we got passed kissing and the reality of the situation hit me, it all stopped pretty abruptly (definitely not the case with women). It's more than a purely aesthetic "he's good looking" thing, I think. Does it even make sense that I could be sexually aroused by a person yet have no desire to actually have sex with a person? It's like, picturing a girl with a guy? Yeah, that can be a turn on. Imagining ME with a guy? Yikes, nooo thank you. But the fact that I could get aroused, to some extent, makes me think that calling myself a lesbian would be a bit disingenuous... Yet if I flat out do not click with men emotionally in a romantic way, hated sex with all three of the guys I tried to be with, don't want to have sex with a guy ever again, and can't see myself with a guy long-term at all, calling myself bisexual isn't very fitting either, is it? I am trying to just go with "questioning" and not worry about it too much. I guess if I need to say something, kinsey 5.5? I kind of like homoflexible, haha. Everyone's responses were really helpful, thank you! I've never thought about that before! That's really thought-provoking actually. Huh.
In my opinion, what you're describing is not sexual attraction at all. The definition of sexual attraction means "I desire to have sex with that person myself". I would even go as far as saying that a vast majority of lesbians are aroused by men in sexual situations. A staggering number of lesbians admit that they are aroused sexually by gay male porn or male masturbation, while lesbian porn is almost universally disliked in the lesbian community. I think there's a difference between feeling aroused by a fantasy and actually having the attraction to act on that fantasy. So I would say that a questioning woman who "Is aroused by seeing men in sexual situations but never desires to have sex with men" = Lesbian "Is aroused by seeing men in sexual situations AND finds it very attractive to play with a man's penis herself" = Bisexual That's just my opinion though.
