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Confused! And hello!

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by Karine, May 21, 2014.

  1. Karine

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    Hello! I have been going through a lot lately with regards to my sexuality.

    Back in November I had a phase where i was constantly stressed and tired. However!
    I was also completely obsessed with my (girl) friend. I would feel all fuzzy and crazy whenever I saw her at school and whenever I would hug her I would feel fulfilled. She let me borrow a pair of her fuzzy socks once and I remember not wanting to give them back to her because whenever I wore them I felt like she was there with me. It made me feel happy! When confronted about having to love someone (a guy), I even specifically remembered her when thinking about him and thought that she was the only girl I thought I could possibly like if I weren't straight.

    I gradually forgot about this for a bit, except I was still going out of my way so I could spend time with her. I would participate in things to impress her, and I even spent most of my vacation in Florida working on an online voice audition for a group she was in. When school came back around January, I remember thinking about how great she was.

    Then she told me she was bisexual and I was just blown out of the water. I kinda didn't focus on it too much, except I remember feeling jealous and depressed when she talked to certain people.

    I would think about her constantly then, only this time it was more coupley stuff. I would think about what we could do together on dates, what would happen if we were to hold hands at school and stuff like that. I would (and continue to) figure out ways to sit with her at school because i'm in the other half of the period. I just thought about her constantly, and thought how weird and crazy it would be if people knew I liked her.

    Then I got incredibly doubtful. And scared; because it suddenly seemed like something more serious.

    Never in my life do I remember feeling like this about a girl. I have never dated, (or even kissed), anyone, but I have been in at least close relationships with guys. I would always cut the string before things got serious though. There have been many occasions in the past where friends have left me, and about two years ago my best friend from childhood killed himself, which had me questioning a lot of my faith. I feel like this is just an extension of me questioning God. I'm scared by the implications of what being bisexual could mean.

    The fear overwhelmed me during most of April and into May. I ended up telling my mom about my feelings, saying I was confused and might be bisexual, and she just talked about "demons" and "sin" so.

    I talked to my counselor and she was very accepting. Except, what if I'm wrong? What if I'm not even bi, and I just thought I was?

    I thought it would be wonderful to be with this girl, and I kinda kept giving her hints and such..but now I'm not sure I even like her? :bang: I don't feel as happy anymore and I am constantly thinking about how many family members would be shocked and repulsed. I think about our church and all the many, many friends from church would be disgusted as well. Maybe not vocally for some, but at least they'd all believe acting on these "feelings" would ruin my Christianity.

    And they fact is that I never thought I was bi until I started questioning everything and being more open about more ways of life? I feel like I would have gone through my whole life without ever thinking I liked girls.. I'm afraid if I act on it, I will find I don't like her.

    And I'm not sure if I really haven't liked other girls before? In 6th grade there was one friend I would move my birthday's back so she could come to my party and such. I was devastated by her not wanting to be my friend in 7th grade for the next two years! I really don't know. I might even like other girls/think they are cute but I am too afraid to even think about it too much, and when I do it feels forced.

    I thought it would be nice before, but now I don't know! AAh.

    Also hi.
     
  2. Oui

    Oui
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    If you're sexually attracted only to men, then you're straight.
    If you're sexually attracted to both men and women, then you're bisexual.
    If you're sexually attracted only to women, then you're a lesbian.

    Now, try imagining doing rated 18+ things to a man then a woman. How do you feel? Which one did like? I feel silly asking these questions lol

    And about your girl, do you still like her?

    Can you explain this further?
     
  3. Karine

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    Honestly? I think I would rather have sex with a woman than a man.

    The latter freaks me out a ton, like ew.
    But i also feel weird for admitting that?

    Yet, how am I supposed to know? I've never done it :/

    As for the girl, I don't know. I know I still want to hang out with her and whenever I see her I still get all happy and jittery. But, i feel like my anxiety and insecurity is getting the better of me.

    In the past, my fear of losing friends and not letting myself get into relationships has at times completely destroyed romantic feelings I've had for a person.
     
  4. Oui

    Oui
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    There you have it, you're a lesbian. It will, I guess, take time for you to get use to it.
    Don't worry everything takes time! I feel like you're a smart kiddo.. just really confuse.
    And don't worry I've never done it too before but I know what I want.

    If you don't mind me asking, why are you feeling insecure?

    I hope one day you'll think of yourself and your happiness rather than what others will think of you if you come out. Life is too short to worry! :grin: If your friends really love you, they will still love you and accept you for what you are and who you love. You don't have to come out with your family if you're still not ready. Pick a friend whom you really can trust and comfortable to share secrets with, and then tell them! I remember someone said that if your friends don't respect your like/dislikes then they are not your real friends.

    Whenever I met new friends and then tell them my sexual preference, I always get the same reaction, some can't accept it and even find boys for me to date! I remember last month I even had a debate with my friend because she argued that homosexuals have mental disorder. I was deeply offended, and it ended up she was just bi-curious lol
     
  5. happydavid

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  6. BlueBerryHearts

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    Oh my gosh, I never thought I would meet someone in the same situation as me XD Let's be friends :3 I'll tell you what someone told me;

    "God will always love you."

    Even if the whole world hates you, He's always there for you, so don't worry too much about it, right now learn to accept yourself and feel comfortable. Don't question too much, let all of your feelings flow out, let your mind run a little bit.

    I wish I could tell you more in detail, but right now I have to leave. I think I could help you out, if you'd let me--I mean, since we're both sort of in the same situation, maybe I could give you some tips and advice? :slight_smile:
     
  7. Karine

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    I don't think I'm a lesbian because while i find it a bit repulsive to be with a guy, I've been sexually attracted once. However I was crazy in love? I'm also very physically attracted to guys, more than girls. But girls are still just so beautiful?

    At most i can only assume i am bi, because i have definitely been attracted to guys. But! Also this girl, and probably other ones.


    Also, BlueBerry that means so much! I would love to chat with you!! :slight_smile:
     
    #7 Karine, May 22, 2014
    Last edited: May 22, 2014
  8. BlueBerryHearts

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    Then, yeah, you probably are bisexual. Just in case, it's normal for a bisexual to prefer one gender more than the other. Don't worry too much about labels though lol, there are so many and it can be very confusing XD ROFL

    Yay~ lol