Hi! My name is Sam, and I'm new here. I mostly need people to talk to, or need to find people going through something similar to what I'm dealing with. I've been struggling with my sexual identity for a while now. I've always felt closer to and more connected to girls, but I assumed that it was just because I'm a girl too. The first time I remember thinking I might be a lesbian was in 4th grade when I really liked a female friend, but I was terrified at the prospect. I cried myself to sleep every night trying to reassure myself that I liked boys. I had a religious upbringing and a homophobic father, so I thought that what I felt was wrong and awful. Growing up, I had crushes on boys, but they were always boys I knew I could never have. And if any of them ever showed interest back, I would panic and stop talking to them. Eventually, I formed my own opinions on sexuality and became accepting of every lifestyle and type of love. But I remained firmly convinced that I was straight. But by college, I stopped being attracted to anybody at all. I didn't like anyone, and I didn't want to hook up with anybody I didn't have feelings for. Fast-forward to my senior year of college, and I had absolutely zero sexual experiences of any kind. Deciding enough was enough, I made out with some random guys at different bars after being pressured by friends. And I hated it. I felt nothing. I was uncomfortable and miserable. I've been considering that I might not be interested in men for a while now, but it wasn't until after those experiences that I started seriously considering women as an option. I met this girl I knew was gay, and who seemed to kind of like me. And for the first time EVER, that didn't terrify me. I was kind of happy and excited. But then I realized she was only flirting with me at parties because she was in love with my friend and was trying to make her jealous. As much as that sucked, at least it made me realize that I wanted to explore potential relationships with women. But there is just one problem... I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO THAT. Thanks to my confusion, I've never done more than kiss anyone, and they were sucky kisses that I stopped short because I wasn't enjoying them. My flirting skills suck, I've been masquerading as a straight girl for 21 years so I don't even know how to attract women, and I've never even thought about how to sexually please them. Plus, what if I figure out that I don't like women after all?? Then I'm that terrible girl who used a gay woman to experiment! And all of that doesn't even begin to address the fact that half my family (my dad's half) hates gay people, and I'd probably be shunned by them forever. I mean, I think my dad would still love me, but that puts him in an awful position, and his family would probably never talk to me again. Everything is so complicated and terrible. (Cue melodramatic soundtrack.) Yeah, so kudos to anyone who read through all of that. I know it was a lot. Thank you for putting up with me! <3
Wow. This sounds almost exactly like what I've been going through. I would occasionally decide I needed a boyfriend, or finally be attracted to a guy, and go on a few dates, but nothing ever felt right. I never considered the option for a long time, that I might have feelings for women. In fact, in junior high, when I started trying to become involved in my Southern Baptist church (didn't last long, thank goodness), I learned that, while I could deal with other people being gay, it was absolutely not an option for me. I remember being afraid that I would have a gay dream, and somehow sin accidentally (and feeling both proud and profoundly disappointed when I had such a dream, realized I was dreaming, and stopped myself from participating). After one long, awkward "relationship" in college, I just sort of put all sorts of romance out of my mind. I get asked out, and flirted with so often by men, and I kind of felt like something was wrong with me that I wasn't attracted to anyone. So, finally, I decided that I wanted to figure things out, and I'm pretty sure I'm attracted to women, but not so sure that I want to declare it, or anything. I have the same fear that I'm just wrong about myself, and that if I go with it and date women, I'll be wasting both our time, and be that awful straight girl that just tried to be gay because it's cool. I've felt especially awkward talking to friends about it because I'm not really sure yet. In my head, I've been throwing around bisexual and pansexual, as well as in-transition and queer. I don't really know what to label myself, don't want to be a jerk who's just experimenting. I've always been vocally pro-gay rights, so it feels somehow uncomfortable to just now be realizing that I'm probably one of "those" people I've always stuck up for. Also, my best friend (who I've been very attracted to at varying times in the past/present) is a very excited straight ally, and I don't want her to make a big deal out of it. So, yeah. I don't really have any advice, but I feel ya.
