but hello nonetheless. I'm in my 30s and I consider myself to be on the transgender spectrum though I have ultimately made the decision to not transition for medical reasons. To share a little of my story: I've been a tomboy for all of my life and while growing up as a young child, I couldn't fathom what made girls and boys so different that sleepovers with the opposite sex was such a big no-no and what made it so mandatory that girls had to dress one way and boys another. My parents never really pushed me too hard in terms of being gender-conforming and so I was content to be who I was though I kept encountering gender issues the older I got. Things finally came to a head when I hit puberty and finally understood some things I didn't understand as a child. Additionally, a new frustration found voice - that I was no longer 'one of the boys' anymore. Being 'one of the boys' was a critical part of my life in my youth and the fact that I was a girl and that they were boys - including the fact that some who ended up being attracted to me as a girl - became apparent and it was a very confusing time for me. In regards to the attraction issue, I felt in some ways flattered because in truth, my own awareness of sexuality had me looking at them, too. But then the idea of being viewed sexually by them with them thinking of my growing female body also really bothered me. I didn't hate my female body, then, but I didn't love it, either and until puberty, it simply WAS a part of myself. But then when sexuality came into the picture, I became increasingly uncomfortable as I struggled with the desire to both still be 'one of the guys' and 'be with the guys'. This struggle continued and it affected my later relationships to varying degrees with my last heterosexual relationship ending in part due to the struggle with feeling like I was a boy in all ways but my body and how it expressed itself within the relationship. Despite knowing my struggles before we had ever gotten together, my ex eventually felt and expressed that I was emasculating and more masculine than he was and that he felt like he was 'gay' by being with me even though we otherwise enjoyed a healthy emotional and sexual relationship. The end conclusion for me after all of that was that I AM predominantly masculine and male except for the fact that I have a female body and that is where I still currently stand. Medical issues make transitioning a very unlikely thing to happen in the future and despite my gender dysphoria, my body doesn't completely freak me out (I don't love it but I can deal with it sort of feeling) and because of both of these things, it makes me feel at times like I'm 'on the fence' regarding the state of my gender when in truth, I'm really not. This also complicates the issue of coming out of the closet because it seems less final and less solid to say that I am male... but not transitioning versus I am male and will be transitioning. I've come out to pretty much everyone besides my employer in this regard... but how seriously anyone besides my partners, closest friends, and therapist have taken it (I am quite sure my family is still in denial as in, since you aren't transitioning, does it even make a difference/are you even really male?), I have no idea and I struggle at times with the feeling of being out and yet invisible at the same time. That said, my username is a computing/technology-related reference and the fact that I'm sometimes here... and sometimes not here. Calling me 'Ghost' is perfectly acceptable.
hello Ghost. welcome to ec. i am a man inside and because of several issues, can't transition. i know what you mean about being taken seriously. glad you're here where you can be yourself, be respected and taken seriously.
Hi. It's perfectly fine if you can't transition. We will respect you as a man. Welcome to Empty Closets.
Hey! Welcome to EC!! :welcome: I'm a tomboy too, but I can't say it's gotten more than that...regardless, you've come to the right place If you wanna talk, I'm always here
Hello everyone! (&&&) Thank you all for the warm welcome and acceptance; I really appreciate it and it makes me really glad that I finally created an account here because already, it feels like this could be another 'home' on the internet. @setnyx, prussianblue100, birdking, and DestinyInfinity: Thank you for the reassurance. What a relief to not always feel like I have to explain myself somehow or that I don't belong. DestinyInfinity: Excuse my curiosity, but may I ask how did you/what led you to determine that 'tomboy' was as far as it went?
