Hi to all out there. Came across this site by google, thought I'd sign up, tell my story, maybe if I'm real lucky will make a nice friend. Anyway, I am as best as I can simplify to avoid any confusion, a 38yr old bisexual man. Where shall I start. Well, I was born and raised and still live in northern Minnesota. My first sexual experience was at a very young age with a boy who, I will just say, knew a whole lot more about sex than I did. Without going into further detail, I enjoyed it. BUT, the older I got wished it hadn't happened so young. Felt like I had been tricked into the situation, even though he was the same age...so don't know that that counts as molestation, but I figure he must have learned these things from someone. So I shutdown inside, not knowing how to deal with it, it caused a lot of confusion and pain felt within myself. I became very inward...some girls thought I was a freak because I was so quiet and didn't smile and would bully me, poking me, pinching me, trying to evoke a reaction out of me. I did what I could to survive the bus rides home never allowing myself to cry until I was safe in my room, alone. Guys, for the most, were easy to talk to, still are. If it weren't for my buddies to talk to I don't know how I would have made it. Not to say all guys were great, some of them bullied me as well. But it hurt most from the girls because I didn't have any nice girl friends and for whatever reason thought that girls would be more warm, accepting, and nice to me. Heh, boy I was naive. But, I knew nothing...didn't even have a sister. All through high school I didn't feel much attraction to my guy friends, just enjoyed spending time with them, watching movie playing video games, whatever, it was all good moments of bonding. At times I did find myself "checking my buddy out" one in particular who every so often asked if I wanted to go for a wheeler ride. He sit down and I would sit behind him. I was very uncomfortable with worry he might notice me getting turned on, and would have to snap myself out of it. I didn't want to hurt our friendship by him knowing I had an attraction, and believe me, in the times I grew up in which I think were a bit more homophobic than they are now, would not have went well. So I buried those feelings because the friendship was more important than wanting sex. Well, as I graduated, went to senior prom with a girl. She and I were together for 3 years, she was wonderful friend, partner, very cute and that sweet gentle someone with a big heart I had been waiting for. But sadly our relationship grew apart, we both still loved eachother just weren't IN love with eachother anymore. For the next 4 years I wanted a girlfriend, didn't think about guys til I was on the internet, met a gay guy on a different forum and we start messaging eachother, swapping pics, even did a webcam together. He wanted to come meet me but as he lived in California I just couldn't do it, not without being 100% sure, so we stopped talking. Well, that was 10 years ago. About 4 months ago I started working with this guy, little younger than me...total sweetheart. But *sigh* he's straight and married. Still, it awakened all this stuff in me, which was really confusing at first because I hadn't felt it in quiet some time, to wanting to be with another guy. Well, about a month ago I went for a drive to this gay bar, not into bars and was way out my area but was worth it. We got to know eachother some and felt some spark between us, at least enough I was at ease in trying to go further. So last week was at his place, and I had my first real contact sexual experience with a guy since when I was little. I enjoyed everything immensely more so than I thought I would. One thing that I'm still working out about myself is, I could tell that he was "more gay" than I was, by how afterwards we were watching TV show, forget what it's called but is like an obstacle course that all these muscular, athletic guys were competing in. Anyway, he was pointing out things like I might about women like "oh i love his tattoo" and this other guy had these super cool blue eyes I mean really blue and he commented about how beautiful they were, which I agreed they were but realized that these things don't register to me about a guy right away like they would with a girl. So of course, that leaves me feeling confused about myself again. So best I can tell you is that my attraction to a guy takes time getting to know them, isn't immediate for me as it is with women when I see one I'm especially attracted to will turn my head, get my heart racing, fill my mind with fantasy about her. I guess I have hard time accepting myself this way, I mean it would be easier to simplify who I am and know what it is I want but nothing is in black and white for me, always a gray area, an unknown, I might fall in love with a guy someday, don't know...I sure am crushing on my co-worker, but can't do anything about that, so just hoping that eventually the right person comes along. Hope you all find what it is you're looking for, even if it's just you. One other thing, my very first bff is gay. He's married to a guy and lives in Vegas. We lost connection in high school and part of that was him because he pushed away his male friends, think it was easier for him with all he had to deal with, anyway, about 6 years ago reconnected on facebook. Back when we were kids I didn't know if he was gay or not, he acted femme but that doesn't mean anything as lot of straight guys out there are that way. That's just personality I have learned. Anyway, he's very open about his relationship and I let him know right away I was still his bud no matter what and always would be. Meant a lot to him to hear that from me as I imagine it would for me to hear that my family/friends accept me as I am. I really don't see the need to tell them what isn't their business but on the other hand I'm not going to be going out my way to keep the lifestyle I choose a secret anymore. I don't know if I'm going through a phase or a new chapter in my life...they say life begins at 40, maybe they're right and I have gone full circle and starting to rediscover myself. Whew! Sorry this was so long-winded, but I hope it give some insight on what it's like to be bi, or at least what my life has been like. My hope for you all is that you don't waste time worrying about who you are or rather, what your friends will think. Family too. I have been lucky to have parents who always there for me more than any friend could ever be have always been supportive. I know my Dad, he passed away in 2002 of a stroke, he would have had a hard time accepting me being with another man...maybe the biggest reason of all that I kept my desires hidden is not wanting to hurt him. He was an amazing father and I didn't want to let him down, for him to look at me differently...to feel he "lost" me. Even though he's gone now it doesn't make it any easier, if anything it's more difficult because I can't talk to him about it in person anymore, just through prayer that I try and make peace with him about it. So there you have it, another person who can relate to the fear, the confusion, growing up is hard enough to deal with let alone being different from others. So what I have learned is you got to accept yourself as you areand to think enough of yourself to live life your own way. Don't waste time trying to be who you think others want you to be. I tried that, really doesn't work. I gave it my best shot to be 100% straight but in the end I'll never be 100% straight, and I know that my true friends will be ok with that. Well, I want to thank you all very much for reading this :eusa_clap you deserve some applause and I appreciate it. Best wishes to you all.
Thank you Silver Sparrow, & Peacemaker for welcoming me here. Also thanks for your condolences. It's good to hear from you both. :smilewave
Thanks guys for the welcomes! :smilewave Things have been rough, but I am making new friends now and I can't ask for any better than that.
