*Eye Catching Post Title*

Hi, whoever reads this.
I'll try and keep this relatively succinct, as I'm working through a lot of different thoughts right now.

Basically my background is this: I'm 26, male.. Always have strongly identified as straight, with all of your run-of-the-mill straight stuff. A few homosexual fantasies as a young person... But nothing I felt overly compelled to act on. It feels weird to be just spelling all of this out on a public forum.. But hey, what is the internet for if you can't exercise total candor with complete strangers, right? Anyways, some "gay" fantasies I suppose... Under the influence of marijuana, and later on, mescaline, but there nonetheless. I've since found that I would be aroused while watching gay porn (on occasion, and I must stress *on occasion*). Basically I realize that I have fundamental proclivities toward novel/pleasurable experience, and I don't think, in a freer society, that I would necessarily have qualms about experimenting with same sex/queer sexual encounters, even though I don't feel as I said, overly compelled to act on it in the context of THIS society... The most I have done is kiss a guy at a local LGBT club (his move), and nothing more.

Here is the thing though. And this is definitely the part of the story where you're going to probably lose any potential you may have had of sympathy for me, and let me be the first to saw, I don't blame you one bit. This is not something I'm seeking some kind of justification for, not do I want to project the idea that I think this is a forum designed to facilitate these kinda of discussions. To be honest, I simply find the LGBT community to be unparalleled i it's sensitivity and openness to discuss matters of sexuality and identity in a way that I don't see anywhere else. That is the only reason I want to tell my story here.

When I was very young (8-9yo) I was having sexual urges brought on by looking through books of my mother's; childbirth manuals, Victoria's Secret, etc. which eventually turned into this fantasy scenario which I acted out with my younger brother (4-5yo) where I would encourage him to role play as a girl (my age) who lived down the street. I wasn't sure of the exact mechanics of sex at that time, but there was sexual arousal on my part and some clothes sexual contact, all of which I believe to have been observed in some capacity by me even younger brother (2-3). I would act these fantasies out by creeping into his bed in the mornings before my parents woke up, and they ceased shortly foyer I took it too far, and my brother resisted. I had pulled my pants down so my genitals were exposed, and he was... Not cool with it... I was immediately ashamed, as I had seen it I suppose as basically a consensual act between us... It's all very blurry at this point but I do know that I didn't really creep into his bed or try to instigate that for much longer after that episode.

Fast forward years later, and there is a baby sister in the house. She was born when I was 11. I love my sister and she is now a beautiful and talented 15 year old. I want to be a good brother to her, but rarely talk and have difficulty being around her and here is why. When she was very young (2-3) I was around 13-14 at the time and was at that really curious and weird and Oedipal and horny stage, and would sometimes bathe my little sister and was curious about the female anatomy. After some initial curious looks I did something's like touch her there, once after bathing her I set her on a vibrating foot massager at my grandmother's house. I think I must have been influenced by online pornography at that point but I'm not sure. I'm really sorry about this really terrible story. Things culminated with me trying to insert my penis into her vagina one night after a bath (I say trying but really it was more INTENDING to try)... She was on the bed and I tried started to do this (no insertion happened, but there was genital to genital contact) and she started becoming upset and I stopped.

After this that something clicked in my head, and I never touched her again. and since then I have only felt shame and remorse over what I did, and fear that I have emotionally or psychologically damaged my dear siblings. I've buried these memories for over a decade and never admitted them to anyone, until a couple of years ago, when after failing out of college during my parents divorce (I was homeschooled) I began experimenting with drugs and broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years (a year older than me, we lived together and had sex), I had an extreme feeling of guilt one day over seeing my sister (she was 11-12 at the time, and I felt that her shyness around me was due to my abuse of her) I spent a day in bed racked with ugly and irredeemable guilt over what I had done as the reality of whyI had done resurfaced. The girl I was seeing at the time could tell something was wrong, and asked me. I couldn't tell her the truth. I had wondered to myself, in the throes of guilt if there was some way, any way that I could not be the one to blame, and arrived at the conclusion thatif someone had abused ME, the that would alleviate the guilt. My first thought had been, my father. He's an old fashioned guy and pretty liberal in his objectification of women, so he was an easy target (I should also mention that my mother had confided to me during their separation that they he had had non consensual sex with her during their marriage- she had not verbally objected, but was crying throughout). I had a fantasy that he had abused me as a child and I had simply blocked it out, hence my re-enacting the abuse in my behavior with my siblings. This lie is what I told my girlfriend, and a call to arms ensued. My poor abused mother was quick to believe my story, and my uncle( her older brother, a gay man who is like a father figure to her, very supportive) was quick to side with us. Days later, after the initial glow of feeling absolved of my sins, the true chaos of what I was doing began to dawn on me and I confessed to all involved. Later on I confessed to my father as well, as my mother still believed the story to be true and limited his interaction with my sister for some time because of it. I simply thought he deserved to know why, regardless of his actions outside of that. He didn't molest me, so I could t put that on him and not have him know.

Fas forward a few more years and my mother still thinks I may have been abused by my father, no matter what I say. I haven't talked to my sister about what went on with her. Only briefly with my brother. I'm not sure whether they need me too or whether I simply am being selfish and it would only bring to the surface things that they aren't mature enough to talk about. Honestly I feel like I need to talk to them about it soon, and I'm just so scared to have those conversations.

As for me, my remaining guilt still affects everything I do and no matter who I am involved with I feel like I have this big awful thing that I have to hide from them, I feel like I should be doing prison time for what I did and can't interact with people attracted to without such anxiety about it, and guilt over my natural sexual desires (i do NOT experience pedophilia) but still am very careful about trying to not objectify women or even be a very sexual person at all. I guess I feel that I don't deserve it.


I'm sorry again for this really long and uncomfortable story. If you have read this far then I truly thank you. I have tried to commit suicide, had suicidal thoughts for years and felt intense paranoia at being found out, which snowballed into paranoia about life in general, having accusatory/schizoid/intense bipolar episodes and have been told by psychiatrists that I am probably bipolar/ schizoaffective, but they didn't hear the story of my early abuses of my siblings, only the truly epic fantasies my mind has invented to avoid dealing with it (messianic visions, psychic warfare, conspiracies, etc) I feel that this issue is the core of my problems and I need some help.