I am a 50 year old who came out only last year after living in heterosexual relationships. The relief to finally open my eyes to what I am meant to be was tremendous and I soon became involved with a woman who became my mentor and lover. From the beginning she took control teaching me the ways of "lesbian" life. Correcting my behaviour and beliefs, my actions hobbies and to some extent thoughts. What? I can hear you say....I'm not a young girl, not unintelligent or needy, not financially dependant or have a history of not coping and yet I became a wreck. She told me I didn't know how to treat someone in a relationship, I didn't know how to love, I was disrespectful and unfeeling. Her demands increased and I found myself walking on egg shells and trying to pre empt her needs to prevent sulking or outbursts of temper. I became estranged from friends and she attempted to isolate me from family. When I resisted the outbursts became more and more violent. I left the situation frequently but was brought back by guilt or persuasion. At times I felt I was going mad and believed I was the cause of her unhappiness and outbursts. Sex became a way of placating her but was not enjoyable and often went away from my preferences. Friends commented on how I had changed, family was concerned yet I felt I needed to continue to work to get it right and prove myself a worthy girl friend The final breaking away came recently. With the help of family I have resisted contact and realised that I am not bad relationship material. My relationships with men did not work as I am gay. I can be loving loyal and warm but was involved with an emotionally abusive woman. The relief I felt by accepting I was gay had become attached to this woman and I felt it owed her the world. Please keep your eyes open and your self esteem intact. Early on I realised deep down the relationship was wrong but was convinced by her and myself I would be able to put it right. We cannot fix people who are so damaged. Never be too proud to accept defeat and walk away I believe there will be someone out there for me but in the meantime my friends and family will suffice and I can rebuild my self worth
