Hello everybody!

Hi Everybody!

I came to EC a little time ago and I only looked around to other posts, but now I've decided to finally say hello and write about me.

I'm writing here for two reason: to get some advice, and (this is probably the major cause) because I need to free my mind from all the thoughts and concerns I have in my mind, and at this moment I'm not ready to talk to someone I know personally, but I need someone who listens to me.
Said so, I can start talking about my life since now.

First of all, sorry for the long story, but I need to free my mind from everything.

I was born in Italy (excuse me for my English if I make some mistakes, I chose an English site also to improve my English), that beautiful country full of dull people, in a valley on the slopes of Alps, in 1997 (if you don't want to do Math, I'm 17 ;P). When I was a kid, I was an eccentric and strange boy (and I'm a bit like so now). I was also shy an insecure and I preferred staying at home rather than going out with friends. I also have to say that I'm not an unsociable person: I like talk to people, but the thing that stops me half the times I have the occasion to talk is the first approach: if I skip this difficulty, I'm able to talk for hours.

Anyway, since I was 8 or 9 I've only had few problems with other children (you know, a child doesn't care so much about these things) but I used to stay with girls and never play with boys, and sometimes I found myself apart. I don't stay with girls because I like girl things, but because with them I can talk about more things, not only "boys things". Then when I was 10 I got a girlfriend (you know, the kind of girlfriend you can have at that age, I call her girlfriend but I'm not sure she was a real girlfriend or only a friend who was a girl) and I felt good with it, I didn't have any problem with my sexuality.

The problem started when we finished lower school, and I had to move to the middle school in another village and we haven't seen each other anymore, except two or three times we said hello each other in the street. It was in middle school that I started questioning myself about my sexual orientation. It was in the 2nd grade of the middle school (about 12 y.o.) that all started. My best friend at the time asked me if I wanted to see some porn with him, and I accepted (in a certain sense he forced me, because if I hadn't accepted, I would have passed as a looser). At first, I was disgusted (I think it is normal). For the next days, I was always thinking about that episode, and, little by little, that thing entered in my mind and I started wanting to watch it again. So one day, when there were no one at home, I turned on my computer and searched the internet. Then an idea passed in my mind: “And gays? What do gays do?” so I searched for gay porn. I liked it much more than the straight one, and that was the first thing that made me think of what I really liked. At first I didn't think to be gay at all, I just liked that stuff.

Meanwhile, in my class, everyone had a girlfriend, and I was the only one who didn't have one. That thing annoyed me, so I made me think that I liked my best friend, and I had a sort of forced crush on her. I say a forced crush because it wasn't a real crush, but a kind of attachment to the nearest girl, just to feel myself good about the world and accepted by my mates. This crush was a secret, and it remained so.

Then I went to high school, and everything changed. I remember the first day, when I knew my new mates, when I looked at the people in my class and I found myself looking at boys and thinking things like “This is very cute”. Then I understood: I wasn't only attracted by gay porn, but I was gay too. That day I came to this conclusion.

I thought that was a final conclusion, but I had to change idea again, because at high school I met a girl, and we became best friends. We started going out together, doing everything together to such an extent that someone in my class started thinking we had a relationship. The bad thing is that it wasn't true, but they said it so much times that they convinced me it was so. So, for the second time, I had a fake crush on a girl. But this time it didn't remain a secret. So a day I told her that. She said she needed time to think, and after two very long weeks, she said no. After that our friendship started to break: she started finding excuses in order not to go out with me. We started to argue more frequently, and many times about some of her friends who didn't want me to stay with her. A day I stopped talking with her, and, although we’ve been in the same class for a year after we argued the last time, we had never said a word to each other, except for a time when we were both drunk at a party and I asked her to dance.

After we argued, (the last summer) I was alone, I didn't have any friend, because she was the only one I had from the high school and I had broken up with the ones from middle and lower school. That was the worst summer ever. I stayed at home the whole time, the most part watching gay porn. In that summer there was another thing that got me down: two boys from the area where I live came out, and the reaction of the people wasn't that good. They came out on facebook, and the majority of the comments were negative, such as "Go home, faggot!" and so on. That showed me that I'm born in the wrong place, full of stupid, dull, cristian, prejudice and ignorant people (not everybody, but a big slice of the population), and I toke the decision not to come out unless they change (thing very unlikely) or unless I go to a country where people is more free from prejudices than here.

But I haven't finished my story: in the last year happened a lot of new things. First of all, I remade friends. One of them happens to be one of my ex-friend's friends who didn't want me to stay with her. As regards her, I have to say that I risk of falling in a fake love again. This time I'll be very careful, but some people have already said that "You are a great couple" and "Don't you like her?" etc. Another friend is a boy in my class with whom I hadn't talked a lot before, and who turned out to be very friendly and who gives me some advice on my shyness and my social life. The bad thing is that this includes advice on women, too. He talks about me not having any girlfriend and so on. He is also homophobic, and this is the worst thing about him, a thing that assures me that here isn't the right place to come out. For the rest he is very nice.

All this misunderstanding of my relations may be because of my personality. If there is a person I like (a person that I like as a friend), I create a close relation, not because I want that friendship to become love, but because I take that friendship seriously. But sometimes it happens that external people (not only them, sometimes, as said above, me too) confuse that close relation with sentimental relation. With me being in the closet, people misunderstand the friendship I have with girls and confuse it with love, and sometimes they persuade me of that at the point I fall in a fake love. The problem is that in this situation coming out isn't the right thing to do.

Said so, I say hello to everyone and I'm very happy that there is a community like EC where I can free my mind of this thoughts, where I can talk to people without worrying of who I really am. I said that I'm shy, but I won't refuse at all someone who wants to chat about everything!

 

Thanks @Nychthemeron for the compliments (I thought to be bad in English) and for your "promise" you made that everything will change in better.