my introduction to all of this

Hey, I'm not really sure what to say or anything. but here are some of my thoughts and my emotions, feelings and most importantly, my story. . .
I'm going to be honest with all of you. . . I'm really confused about all of this but I'm also one of those people that doesn't really care. over the past few years I've become apathetic about everything except youtube and film. i don't care really about my family, due to some emotional abuse that has occurred and I'm not sure what to do about this whole sexual orientation, people have asked me where i lay and I've always said straight or something like "almost straight. the thing is that I'm in that "other" category, i don't fall under straight, bisexual, or gay. I'm not asexual, because I'm defiantly attracted to people, but the thing is that I'm not sure where I would fall. see now I'm attracted to girls, defiantly so i know I'm not gay but i have caught myself looking and seeing a guy and thinning to myself "Damn." The thing is that, i know I'm not Bisexual due to the fact that i would not, myself ever sleep with a guy, and then i say that id go as far as kissing but nothing else. another problem is that i haven't been able to feel real emotions in almost a year now, i have the sense of "liking someone" but then i never continue. i mean i don't know what love feels like, i dated this girl a year ago and she abused the crap out of me and cheated on me, told me about it then made me forgive her by going down on me and making me act the way she wanted me to act, i was like a dog on a two inch leash, she treated me like garbage and as a toy. i finally got sick and tired one night after i met the guy she was sleeping with and i officially just stopped talking to her. and haven't spoken to her since, nor will i ever again. so that accounts for my emotional issues and my real questions. the last thing i want to talk and express is the fear of, if i come out as something other than straight what would it be and how would i go about it with my relies family? they are the type of people that say that everyone is wrong except them and how they believe, this nonsense has lead me away from the Church and their way of life. which i am thankful of, but my fear is if i come out to them that they will not understand, i mean like my grandma will(cuz she cool like that) but ill get a lot of "thats a load of bull" and "thats not the real you" and "your choosing to go to Hell" and things of that nature. so please, help me out, and all of this confusion is leading to Depression and I'm not sure what to do. I'm soooooooooo confused with how to do anything and exactly what i am and i just, idk:/
Sincerely,
-Jess

 

hello how are you today? anyway, so what do you think of my predicament? can you help?

 

thank you guys!