Hello everyone! My name is Carmen, and was desperately looking for a place with other like-minded people when the internet showed me this lovely forum. I figured I'd take a chance. I'm 24 years old, currently working through college to get my degree in English (I got a bit of a late start but I'm trying not to let it get me down) and have recently (as in, within the last year or so) come to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian. I guess this place is a good a place as any to tell my story. I grew up in a very southern Baptist family in Alabama, so naturally I grew up not even considering the possibility I could like girls romantically even though I was constantly getting crushes on my female friends (I figured I was just being too clingy). Being as it was Alabama, I was surrounded by casual homophobia, even from my parents. It grew especially difficult to handle when I realized I had been in love with my best friend from puberty to 18, and even more so when she expressed similar attraction to me. We started dating and I was on Cloud 9 for a while, but it began crashing down pretty fast when as my insecurity and worry over my parent's reactions began setting in. Long story short, we broke up because I couldn't handle it and I was heartbroken. I fell into a severe depression thinking I had lost my best friend all because of my own insecurity - self-fulfilling prophecy and all. And indeed we didn't speak for a few years, but we've reconciled since then and are back to being close without any lingering resentment. My parents, of course, eventually figured out the root cause of it and though my mother was sympathetic, my stepfather called it unnatural and seemed sure it was a phase because, according to him, gay relationships never last. Whatever my mother's feelings concerning me, my stepfather overruled her and I was punished for entering a relationship with her, though they insisted it was other things. I even believed my step-dad for a while, that it was just a phase and I was just lonely, and was eventually pressured by him and my peer group to date a guy who showed interest in me. I regret this every day - the guy himself was very sweet and never pushed me into anything, and I think he would have accepted my rejection if I insisted on it. Good news is, I eventually got out from living under that roof and now help take care of my grandparents while I go to college and pursue my degree. Without my stepfather to invalidate my feelings and an extremely accepting online group of friends, I finally realized my sexuality and even felt comfortable with it. The problem now is, of course, coming out to my family. While I would much prefer to wait until I was fully independent, my grandfather is ill with emphysema and though it pains me to think of it, it has drastically cut his lifespan down. He's doing generally well now, but I'm not even sure if he'll live to see me graduate. I'm extremely close to my grandparents and would like to tell them this before they pass on, but I'm unsure what their feelings on the LGBT community is (they are also aggressively Baptist), and I've no real desire to cause grief and stress between us. I'd hate to think they would reject me because of something like this, especially since we've had such a close relationship beforehand, but I'm forced to realize that this is indeed a very real possibility. My mother seems fairly accepting, as she accepts the fact that I identify mainly as agnostic in regards to my religious views and has even once told me that she would accept it if I came out as gay to her, but saying it and actually doing it are two different things. My sister, I haven't told formally, but I'd honestly be surprised if she didn't know, considering she follows me on tumblr and I've posted many things in regards to identifying as a lesbian there. My stepdad I honestly don't care about. But the big ones I'm worried about are my grandparents. I could handle everyone else not accepting me if they do. My mother and sister are coming to visit us in a few days, and I'm thinking of pulling my mom aside and trying to steer the conversation toward me coming out to her, the but chances are pretty high I may just chicken out. Still waffling about it right now, to be honest. TL;DR after a lot of family drama, I finally became comfortable with my sexuality. First step down. Next step: actually telling people aside from my online friends.
