New Kid

Hi.

I am gay.
I think that's my first time actually communicating those words that directly.

I'm from the south in the US, an area that is quite homophobic, full of hateful religious fundamentalists. As a youngster, my first inklings of attraction were oddly enough fixated on guys riding roller coasters and looking at their legs. I was actually convinced for a while that I was attracted to roller coasters, but kind of understood what was going on when I looked at girls and the same feelings weren't there. At first I thought it was admiration and not attraction because I had never really had the option of same sex attraction explained. My confusion at guys admiration of large breasts also contributed to realizing I was different... Eventually, when I was around 13 years old, I accepted that I was bisexual, assuming that girls were still an option. As I got older, I was sometimes accused of being gay by ill intentioned hicks, but most of my friends would defend me and scoff at bullies and their stereotypes, not knowing I was actually gay. This treatment only made me feel worse.

As a freshmen in high school, I had a very religious girlfriend who was quite nice to me but our relationship did not work out well (for several obvious reasons). Our friendship was okay, several dates, hugs, kisses, but the antigay comments at her church led to confusion and repression of myself. At this point, I'm a bit depressed and even suicidal at times. She eventually broke up with me "because our aspirations were different". I was a bit devastated despite the fact that I didn't care too much for her emotionally or physically. After that I changed a bit, stopped trying to be religious and kind of forgot about sexual pursuits for a bit, masturbating intermittently (obviously to other guys). I was never around any out gay guys that I liked anyway. Most of the out guys in my small southern town were less academically focused than me and all around a bit shallow seeming. My only real solace became watching online videos of a guy named trayce shaw.

So... I got a scholarship to a great college and thought things would be different there. But they really weren't. My roommate was very interesting and fun to be around, yet somewhat emotionally unstable guy. I actually had to deal with a bit of strange violent tendencies for a while and was hospitalized after an accident in which he got carried away. All the while, he talked about how great having a girlfriend in high school had been, so I decided to make one last attempt. Summer after my freshman year, I had a girlfriend, tried making out but not got hard, got cheated on, and the relationship ended quite horridly.

So... By this time I have pretty much realized I'm not bi, I'm gay. I'm a bit depressed, but thinking it must get better. I hang out with my freshman roommate a lot the next year, but he is obviously not gay and I have to be content with that friendship. I get asked out by girls but deny them. I think about coming out but am afraid to because my parents have threatened to not pay for my college if I join a cult, go to jail, or bring home another boy. I feel trapped. Lonely. Afraid.

So... This is this year now (2014). I exposed myself to more of the online community and realize that there are some awesome, intelligent gay guys out there. This summer I went to Europe. I was around people with really open attitudes, but still didn't really mention my sexuality. I went to a few sex clubs and got my cock sucked for the first time. I used glory holes and the like. One time I couldn't find the exit and was more or less sexually assaulted by older men who refused to tell me how to leave. I was dreadfully disappointed by the oral sex there, it was all so raw and over so quickly. It felt nervous and awkward. There was no talking or attempt at any connection at all. Still it was better than anything with the girls I kept trying to make out with to no erectile avail. One of my profs in Europe was a counselor for LGBT individuals. I think she may have realized I was gay. She never mentioned it directly but she went out of her way to talk to me and make sure I was always okay.

So. Yeah. I'm gay. And that's okay. I'd obviously like to love and have sex but I just don't know. I've never met a guy that I've connected with that wasn't straight or on an online recorded video... But I keep on keeping on. One day I find someone right and then I can finally love.

America... World...
Why must you make it so hard for guys like me to let our hearts run free!?

Anyway, I'm 20, college junior, want to be a neuroscience/psychology professor, like anime, perform street magic, play piano, like mmos.

And most of all. I want to make some gay friends (or more).
I've never had any, but my mind and heart are open and why not start here?