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I'm terrified of the reality I might actually be gay.

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by Anxiouslyacpt, Aug 4, 2014.

  1. Anxiouslyacpt

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    Hi, I'm a 31yo male and I need help to understand and accept my sexuality. I am terrified of the reality of actually being gay. I have had sex with females and men since I was 18. I used to hate myself for secretly having sex with guys back then and felt dirty after sex with a guy. I never used to find men attractive and couldn't understand why every few months I got the urge to have gay sex. I always done pretty well pulling chicks. I don't to admit it but I only recently realised I have no sexual interest in women anymore. I want to I try to but no matter how hard I try they just don't make me horny. I have tried for years to convince myself I'm not gay but sex with men is now all I crave for. But I can for some reason admit to myself I could actually be gay. I want to, but even if I accepted I love gay sex, I can't imagine a relationship with a man. Pondering am I gay or bi is a constant stress in my head daily. I try tell myself ok I'm gay, half hour later I'm telling myself don't be stupid. Then I get very anxious and frustrated through my average day to day life. I envy all you brave enough to come out I dream of one day understanding who I am and not live in fear of who I am. But I honestly could never come out publicly. I'm from a small town and all my best mates are bogan "gay haters". I don't want to be afraid anymore, I would like to experience a gay scene in a city, I am afraid I may actually enjoy and be faced with the embarrassment but I feel I'm living a lie trying to be something I'm not.
    Arrrrrrhhh why is this happing to me?
     
  2. happydavid

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  3. lovely lesbian

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  4. doinitagain

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    You've come to the right place. There's no hurry, just take your time to accept who you are and what you want to do. There's loads of support on this site.
     
  5. Mikoto

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    Don't ask why its happening, just embrace it. Welcome to the club! x
     
  6. RAdam

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    Welcome, I'm sure you'll find someone here that has experienced the same thing
     
  7. greatwhale

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    Hey Anxiouslyacpt, welcome to EC!

    You have come to the right place!

    Here's something that can help:

    Tomorrow morning, wake up as if you are gay...just pretend. No more going back and forth or judging, just set aside all doubts and temporarily be gay. Keep doing this for 3 or 4 days.

    Immediately you will wonder what "being gay" actually means...that will be up to you to figure out for yourself, because there is no one way to be gay (that's good news!).

    So "pretend" you are gay, walk out the door and go about your gaily daily routine...observe yourself, as much as possible, notice your thoughts, notice how your body feels (more relaxed perhaps?), notice who you are noticing and what features of the people you are noticing, keep a journal if you can.

    After this, the following day, wake up as if you are straight...do the same thing as you did when you were gay, keep at it for about 4 days. How comfortable are you being "straight"? Who do you notice? Again, keep a journal.

    The last part is introspection and comparison. Compare your notes, compare your feelings, etc.

    For many of us, final acceptance of who we are is liberating, many call it lifting a weight off one's shoulders. You may or may not be gay, but the funny thing about our bodies is that they generally don't know when we are pretending...let your body be your guide, let your feelings teach you what you are...
     
  8. patric

    patric Guest

    Welcome to EC. I am sure you will find help here.

    Cheers
     
  9. Candace

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    Hello and welcome to EC! :smilewave. I hope that you find all the help and resources that you need here :slight_smile:.
     
  10. Socrates37

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    Hi and Welcome!