Hello everyone, It can sometimes be hard for me to get out what I want to say the right way I want it, so I'm going to try my best. This site was recommended to me by a member of another forum I came out on recently. I kinda lurked here for a few days before finally creating an account. I do think I'm going to like it here alot more than other forums I've tried out in the past, this seems like a much more comfortable site. Anyway, All I basically know is that I have felt Female from a fairly young age and it deeply saddens me that I was not born in a Female body. It had taken me years to fully recognize what these feelings were and to accept them. I have struggled for a very long time with this dysphoria and tried relentlessly to suppress it and not let anyone know what I was going through. I was so afraid of being outed and rejected that everytime in the past that I would join a Trans forum I would end up getting scared someone would find out so I deleted all of my history and rarely ever logged back in. I was constantly paranoid someone would look up my internet history and out me to everyone. I have always felt inside that I should have been born a Girl, and I maintain the belief that I would probably be a lot happier in my life now had I been. When I was really young, I always felt like I didn't belong in my body even though I didn't really understand anything about Gender at all, I just knew that I did not feel like most other Boys probably did. I was too young to really understand it then but my mind has always been Female, I've never thought that I related with other Males at all and it wasn't really until my preteen years that I started to really realize that I truly felt like a Girl. I'm really kinda lost right now because being this open about it is really new to me. I don't know what happened all of the sudden but I recently realized that I have to start doing something right now or I'm going to be miserable forever. I have been slowly taking steps over the past week to come out to people I trust and figure out what I am going to do. It is going to be very difficult for me because I have limited options due to my current life situation. I have Asperger's Syndrome and I don't drive, and even though I am an adult and I do have a job, My parent's are still significantly a part of my life and I currently live on their property, though not directly in the same main house as them. I have been dealing with a lot depression and stress over many things, but having to deal with wishing I were a Girl while pretending I'm content being Male and not being able to tell anyone is worse than just about anything else wrong with my life. I feel like crap all the time and have no motivation to do anything with my life because I feel like no matter what I do I will never be truly happy. I currently have no plans to transition or make any drastic life changes, but I do want to find the best help I can get right now for dealing with my Dysphoria. I just cannot keep ignoring it and let it consume me. I know I need to deal with this I just don't know how. To be honest, I have seriously thought about Transitioning numerous times in the past, but I feel like I just don't know how I ever really could. I would have to come out to many people and risk losing all of the people in my life who I love and care about, and I know it would take too big of a financial toll on my life that I just don't think I would be able to deal with. I do often wonder though if I would ultimately be happier living as a Woman. I know that I sure as hell would have been a lot happier if I had been born one in the first place, it would have saved me so much stress and heartache. I really hope to find some useful advice here and to find some sort of peace and happiness out of the life I currently have.
I absolutely understand what you are going though. Thanks for being here. (*hug*) Sometime around the start of grade school I remember trying to pledge to myself that I would forget about how badly I wanted to be a girl and make myself be ok with being a boy. It never worked. I've spoken a lot more about this since I joined which was only like a week ago myself. I've never been open to anyone in my life about these feelings and I was full of fear about other people's reactions and whether I could ever be brave enough. I kept on telling myself that I am already too old or that I can just 'work on it'. At this point I know I am going to start being more androgynous in general, and start working towards the opening steps of hrt. I have a lot of thinking to do and I haven't told anyone what I might be doing/becoming over the next few years. But I asked myself a really important question, harder than most I'd ever asked myself, "Do you really think you'll even be content, much less happy, if you continue living in a way that you fundamentally despise?" Anyways, I'm sure we can talk some more soon.