Confused if it's HOCD or a late-blooming lesbian

Please read in full. Really need help.

At first I thought it was HOCD; now I’m starting to question everything about my life.

It came on suddenly. I woke up one morning, and I was gay. There was no onset. Nothing triggered it, except the fact that I had recently lost my job. I was under severe stress. I hadn’t been around girls, or developed a crush on a girl, but all I could think about was girls. Day dreaming about girls, watching girl on girl porn, and looking up girl pictures – the word “girl” even turned me on. I became obsessed with my mom’s breasts – which was kind of comforting in a weird way, because I knew something was wrong, because that’s just disgusting.

This all caused severe anxiety, as I am with the man of my dreams and DO NOT want to be gay. I have dated men my entire life and have been happy. I never questioned my sexuality before, until this so-called “epiphany.” Now, I’m questioning everything.

My mind was racing, the obsession was obnoxious, I wouldn’t work, or go to public pools, if I saw a pretty girl I would run the other direction, and I wouldn’t even look at Facebook in fear of being infatuated. And when I did look at Facebook, I was infatuated, that’s the part that freaked me out.

Then I started to get disgusted by my boyfriend’s genitals and started avoiding oral sex. I was fine with regular sex, but not oral. I didn’t know what was going on. Penises have NEVER bothered me before, I have always loved them, but now they turned me off and I found them “gross.” No idea.

Then, there’s my past. My very first crush in kindergarten was a girl. I was infatuated with her and convinced I was going to marry her. Then I had a boy in first grade who loved me and used to hold my hand and walk me to class and I felt very awkward. I didn’t like it.

In second grade I became obsessed with a boy for the first time. I mean obsessed. I would try to get in line when we sat boy girl to be seated next to him, I would write my name and his last name all over my notebooks – all the things that little girls do. I began developing crushes throughout elementary school on every boy in my new grade.

Weird part: The girl he liked was adorable. I started copying EVERYTHING she did. If she crossed her legs in class, I crossed mine. If she rolled up her kilt, I rolled up mine. If she wore a ponytail or cut her hair, I cut mine. I wanted him to like me so bad that I copied everything she did. Or did I really want her to like me? Or is this just the HOCD making me question my past?

Then there was middle school where I experimented with a girl. And I liked it. But I never did it again. I left the party and the other girls performed oral sex on each other and when they told me I got really grossed out and said YOU DID WHAT? I couldn’t look at them the same for a really long time.

Also in middle school I met my “true love.” I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I lived for 7th grade English class just so I could stare at him and by the off chance gaze into his eyes. But I also always had this weird infatuation with girls. Where I would look at them and try to emulate them. I don’t know if these constituted as girl crushes or just me being envy. But the staring wasn’t just “how did she get her lipstick so perfect”… it was more than that.

In college I met my actual true love, K. We did everything together. We dated for 5 years and I was absolutely in love. I was skinny and beautiful. My roommate had a crush on me and I didn’t give her the time of day. I made out with girls to get guys’ attention and liked it, but never thought or daydreamed about them… never gave it even a second thought after it happened… always went back to K. When I was skinny and beautiful, I never thought about girls because I, finally, was the life of the party. Everyone finally wanted to be me and I had nobody to be jealous of because I was actually the one in the spotlight.
Now I am in my current relationship with my future (I hope!) fiancé. Everything is going perfectly until this HOCD(?) set in. I loved him, his genitals, his manliness. Now I don’t know what to do. I want to be with him forever and ever, but I also don’t want to come out as a lesbian later and ruin his life.

I also always had an infatuation with girl models and Mary Kate Olsen. I have never loved a girl besides family, but I have some kind of fascination with them. I always stare at them for long periods of time. I don’t know if this is envy, lust, or a crush. But when I think of my life in the future, I can only see it with a man. I can’t imagine snuggling with a woman or marrying a woman. I only see myself with a man.