I just joined the site today and wanted to introduce myself. My name is Josh and I am 22 years old. This post will be all over the place so please forgive me. My brain lately hasn't been with it. I am just going to get this off my chest and say what I feel. Life for me lately has been extremely hard. I have known I was gay since I was about 11 years old. I am now 22 and starting to really accept what it means. My entire family is EXTREMELY homophobic and they always have been. They don't know I am gay but I think they suspect. I was raised a conservative pentecostal christian. So I was always told that gay people were disgusting and vile and were certainly going to Hell. It doesn't matter how good of a person they are, they are going to Hell. My mom constantly says things like "Gay people should be shot in the head." My uncle told me if I was gay he would tie me to his car and drag me. The things my family says has left me feeling like less than a person. They make me feel disgusting and not worth living. I knew I had to get out of that environment so I tried my hardest and got a full time job right out of college and bought a condo. I was hoping moving out of my parents house into my own condo would lessen the stress but unfortunately it hasn't. My condo although very nice had a lot of hidden issues the home inspector didn't catch. So now I am stressing about finances after paying thousands to get everything fixed. And to top it all off I am totally alone. I thought I would enjoy living alone but I really need someone here. But at least being alone is better than being with my parents in a hate filled environment. My only friend that knows I am gay is supportive thankfully but I don't get to see her often. I am a strong person but I can't take much more. I need someone to hug me and tell me they will take care of me and everything will be ok. I am so lonely even when I am surrounded by friends. I am sorry for the emotional throw up but it is how I feel. I am torn about everything I have ever known. My religion, family, life...I just don't know about anything anymore. Maybe I am a bad person and god is punishing me. But deep down inside I know I am a good person. I care so much about people. I even care about my family and feel bad for the shame and embarrassment they will feel having a gay son. I hope I can make friends on this site and get some advice. I don't have any gay friends to relate to. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post!
Dude, don't freak ! I'm not gonna comment too much abt the whole religion thing but .....you're better off and anything you were told or learned that was negative could easily be countered by a positive from the same book. It might be helpful for you to try and meet some more peeps. I mean it sounds like you just need some support that's visible but to get that you need to be socializing. Trust me , I'm all sorts of messed up rt now but your situation doesn't seem that bleak. Sounds like you have a good mind and a good attitude, mostly so, keep with that and get reinforcements and defo, stay the f away from the haters breh. My mom always said abt family that if you cut them out for whatver reason they'll come find you when and if they need something , lmao. You'll be fine
Alright, Josh; first of all I send you a virtual hug. Second, I really don't know how you feel in this current situation and I can't help much, but have you tried to expand your friendship with other liberal & gay people? Maybe knowing few more that will give you support will make you feel better at least a little. Is there anyone at all that you can talk to in your family, like aunt, uncle? I know this might not help you at all, but I'm very concerned about you. I have a feeling like you're falling into depression, loneliness is a great enemy to sanity. My advice to you is to talk with someone, if you wish to professionally or maybe with some 'newly-met' liberal person in your town.
I completely understand the whole religion thing Josh. I was also raised on a conservative pentecostal family, like you, I knew very early that I was gay but because of the teachings I suppressed myself and ended up hating who I was. I thought I was evil, a bad person but now I know it's not true. The bible says many things, but it never says us gay people are bad. God looks at our heart, he knows your feelings, he knows your thoughts and he also knows that you are not a bad person and that being gay was not something you chose to be. I'm very glad you went to a better environment, free from hateful words, but you need to socialize and find pillars of support for you. Sometimes we can make progress along, but sometimes we need extra hands. I was lucky enough to have received a good response from my mother, even if it wasn't the one I wanted. I hope you don't brake your relationship with God, people may not think it's possible, but even us gay people can have a good relationship with Him. I'm sure God will give you the strength you need, when you need it, just hang on and move forward. (*hug*)(*hug*)
Thank you all for your kind words. It really means a lot. I am trying my best to stay away from the negative people in my life. It's hard though when they are your family. I have no doubt I am depressed. All I ever want to do anymore is just sleep. I don't know anything when I am asleep. I desperately want to get out and socialize and meet other people like me but I am not sure of the best way to do it.
You are welcome Josh. There are times when we must do things, even if we don't really wish to, for our own sake. You just did that and you should be proud of yourself. You can't help being depressed, your situation is not an easy one. I really hope you can find things to distract you from all this, finding hobbies that involve the need to socialize is a good start, that way you can kill two birds with one stone, you socialize and also distract yourself. If you need more specific advice, you could create a thread on the other sections, I'm sure the people here will be willing to help. If you ever need to talk to someone, please feel free to post on my wall.
