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Hail and Well Met!

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by SandDollar, Oct 25, 2014.

  1. SandDollar

    Regular Member

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    Hello There!

    I've finally worked up enough courage to sign up for this website and to post an introductory note. The courage was needed to open myself up to strangers. But I've reached the point in my life where I am sick of the lies. I'm sick of pretending to be something or someone I'm not. But even with that said, I still have trouble overcoming self-doubt about, well, nowadays about everything.

    I don't remember a lot from childhood; just brief flashes and glimpses until about age 11 when I first realized - or thought I did - why I'd always felt different. I'm the eldest of three kids. Mom wanted a girl so very badly. I don't know where Dad was but I've seen pictures of myself dressed the part of a pretty little daughter, as well as my younger brother. But when my sister was born I guess all that stopped, since Mom finally had her "real" girl, but all I was left with was a perpetual state of confusion. One day, when Mom had the three of us strip and get into a big tub I'm sure she was trying to force me to see that I wasn't a girl (at least not on the outside). Mom made sure to point out those particular details that made my brother and I different from her and our sister. The one feeling I remember from that is being "wrong", somehow deformed, because the way I felt just didn't jibe with what Mom tried to explain.

    I don't remember a specific face of a man named 'Dad'. There were men in Mom's life that tried to fill that role but I don't remember much other of them other than that were constantly trying to get me interested in "boy stuff", like sports (signing me up for Pop Warner football, and Little League), or cars (with various issues of a magazine I remember as "CarToons" or something like that, or a boxed set of booklets about the technology and history of auto racing), or other things that I wasn't really interested in.

    I was 11 when I first felt something different about me. The years of teasing for not only always being the "new kid" (because we moved around so much) but being different starting me thinking. What was wrong with me? Why did I like playing indoors with my sister while my brother, a rough and tumble "boy's boy", as it were, was always outside with friends? This was the age at which I started "dressing up" in secret. I got no sexual thrill from it; I didn't even know what a sexual thrill was. I just knew that I was happier wearing "girl's" clothes. Then one day I thought I had the answer: I saw an advert on TV for a movie about Christine Jorgensen. Suddenly, all the weird feelings and confusion made sense: I was like her. I was a transsexual. That had to be it! The town's public library became a treasure trove of information about the subject.

    I was so sure of being a transsexual that, prior to a complete wrecking of my life in my late 20's, I was 9 months into my "real-life test". I was working in my career. I had friends and a support network. The path was laid out, and it call came so easy (some of the other girls would understandably get a bit upset about that). All I had to do was save up for SRS. But all good things come to an end, and so did my transition. My heart did get to become a pile of minced up little pieces from it all so I guess it wasn't a total loss.

    Anyway, here I am, 25 years later, looking back and wondering how I'm still sane. (Well, I think I am, but that's only one person's opinion.) I'm now wondering if the whole transsexual experience for me was a psychological screwup of the first order. Is it possible that I latched onto that as a way to justify feelings that were bubbling up as they do to those wracked with puberty? Could it have been simply that I was afraid of "being gay" (though other, less savory terms were used then), afraid of what would happen to me if I was labelled as such? So, in my child's version of logic, it made sense to become a girl; then it would be OK for me to like boys, right? Culturally-enforced heteronormative concepts rearing an ugly head for sure.

    I remember the first time I realized - at least subconsciously - that I was interested in boys: my first after-physical education shower when I was 13. For the first time, I was in a room full of boys my age and older in various states of undress, or naked, wet and soapy in the showers! It was like breathing oxygen for the first time, but also scary as hell because I knew instinctively what would happen if I got caught oggling some cutie. And so it went, through high school, while in the Navy (before they kicked me to the curb, anyway, for being quote: "Unfit for military service - sexual deviate" unquote), and every similar circumstance since.

    Looking back, how could I have ever NOT known I'm gay? All my crushes were on guys, even when I thought I liked women (but, of course I refused to realize it consciously). The only time I've ever truly, deeply, passionately loved someone was a man. When that ended, it should have been apparent to me that I'm gay. But noooo. *sigh*

    I've wasted so much time in denial. I'm still having trouble overcoming my own homophobiaphobia - fear of words and actions by homophobes against me for being me. But the more I relax into being myself, the less I worry about those things.

    A few years ago I had to opportunity to live and work in Sydney, Australia for a year. I fell in love with the city, and I'd go back there in a heartbeat - forever, if I could. (Not for nothing is Sydney called the "Pinkest City in the World".) I had a lot of fun there, and one night - for reasons I can't fathom - I came out to some friends and co-workers while enjoying buying rounds with my tax refund. Yet still, I held myself back from pursuing what I knew I wanted, just as I'd always done before. Why?!

    Now, 4 years later, I've finally - finally! - stopped caring about what others think about me, my gender or my sexuality. I can't begin to describe what a huge step that was for me. I'm still working on the sexuality part. On the other hand, I finally lost my virginity a few months ago, which was a great relief. (Yes, I've had sex with women once upon a time - 20 years ago, now - but I don't count that.) Indeed, until recently, I'd gone without any intimate physical contact with another person that entire time. I laugh when I hear about people going a few weeks or a month or two without sex. I'd like to see such complainers go 20 years without so much as a single romantic kiss or even just a hug. There've been times I physically ached to the point of an inarticulate scream for someone to cuddle with, or for someone's hand to hold. Such things seemed so close and yet astronomically far away.

    I'm still not convinced that I'll find love some day. My track record doesn't bode well for such a boon from the Goddess. But I'm trying to forget about that and just enjoy what I have here and now. And enjoy it I certainly do. More than I ever thought it possible to enjoy. I feel so much freer than I've felt since I was a child. No more lying; no more pretending. I am me; not someone else's idea of me.

    Anyways, I'm sure y'all are convinced I'm a loon. But that's OK. I've decided to embrace the insanity. (!)
     
  2. GreenMan

    GreenMan Guest

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  3. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

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    Welcome to EC! That is quite the journey you have been on and I am glad you seem to have come to terms with your sexuality and yourself. I look forward to hearing more about you on the forums.

    Oh, given you live in West Palm Beach, I hope you are now taking advantage of everything that Wilton Manors in Ft Lauderdale has to offer the LGBT community!
     
  4. Candace

    Regular Member

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    Hello and welcome to EC! :smilewave :welcome: It's a pleasure to meet you :slight_smile:
     
  5. DarkestDream

    Full Member

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    Hello there! Well, if YOU'RE a loon, then I'M a loon, deary..lol. Well Met indeed, and welcome! :slight_smile: :smilewave
     
  6. Blossom85

    Full Member

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    Hi there and Welcome to EC,

    I hope you enjoy being here, it is really supportive and friendly.
     
  7. happydavid

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  8. lovely lesbian

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  9. WhisperLoom

    Regular Member

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    Welcome, SandDollar. We're happy to have you here! There's a wonderful network of people here, ready to help if they can!
     
  10. Paul6089

    Paul6089 Guest

    Hi and welcome!