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Hi

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by CubbieBlue, Nov 11, 2014.

  1. CubbieBlue

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    Hi,

    So um, I joined yesterday, looking for answers and conversation with people who understand what I feel for the same sex. I commented on a couple of posts already, but haven't formally introduced myself. I guess, I'm Cubbie Blue.

    My story: married to a woman, whom I'm in love with, but also like men. I admitted it to myself in different phases over 6 years, and said it out loud last week. I also told my wife last week. Still very confused about so many things, but I'm hoping everything turns out where all parties involved in my romance life are happy - if that's possible.

    So, hi! Happy to be here and converse with you all. I like questions, so if you have them, ask away. I know I ask plenty
     
  2. MissMiri

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    hello im a cat and i welcome you to ec
     
  3. YuriBunny

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    Hello! ^.^
     
  4. Yosia

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    Hay. ^.^
     
  5. YDaisy

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    Hi Cubbie Blue,

    I'm in a similar situation to yours. Joined today actually, and just figuring this site out :slight_smile:

    I'm also bi (woman), married to a man, and we have kids. I have only realized that I'm bi about six months ago, when it finally clicked (and it was a loud click indeed). This realization is of course liberating, though quite confusing at the same time.
    A few months ago I came out to my husband (and later to a couple of close friends). He is trying to be supportive and understanding, but it would be nice to talk to someone who feels the same way and going through the same thing...
    I'm now trying to figure it all out, and feel that I'm on a self-discovery journey, to really understand myself and what I want. Yet I'm feeling quite alone in this, and it's sometimes hard to get out of my own head.
    So I would love to connect with you if you're up for it :slight_smile:
     
  6. Panda4life

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    Hi and welcome c:
     
  7. CubbieBlue

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    That would be nice, YDaisy. And thank you all for introducing youself, everyone. It's nice to have a community of nice people to talk to
     
  8. YDaisy

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    It seems like, as a newbie, I'm not allowed to send you private messages... So I'm not sure how to go about chatting with you...
     
  9. Khusro aries

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    Hiiii welcome :slight_smile:
     
  10. CubbieBlue

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    I think just here. I'm a newbie too. What's up? Unless you want something more personal? Like you have personal questions.
     
  11. YDaisy

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    No, nothing specific. Just wondering what you (and others) are going through in this relatively new process. I guess I'm mostly looking for a friend who's "in the same boat" so I don't feel like I'm going through it alone. If you wouldn't mind sharing, are you doing anything now to figure things out? And how are things between you and your wife?
     
  12. Blossom85

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    Hi there and welcome to EC,

    I hope you enjoy being here.
     
  13. CubbieBlue

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    Hi!

    My wife and I are dealing with it a day at a time. Some days have been pretty painful, where we feel very uncomfortable talking about me, and some days she asks a lot of questions. Questions I've never asked myself. The other day, she asked me questions that have nothing to do with my attraction to men, but since I had opened up to her so much, she felt comfortable asking me questions about other things she didn't feel comfortable asking me before. Questions like: why were you mad at me this or that day? Did you really never have a crush on so-and-so when we were younger? And even questions like, why did you say this or that one day?

    She's been very supportive but also has had her confusing days, which she's entitled to. I love her, so I tell her that I understand. She almost immediately asked me to talk to a psychiatrist. I scheduled an appointment, and it went well. Thursday will be my second meeting with Dr. Her.

    We've also had a lot sex, since I came out. I think she's just as afraid of loosing me as I am of her. And you know what's funny? I'm afraid of leaving her too, but I never would. I'm afraid of what I don't know about myself, yet. What if I like more than just going down on men? I don't think I do though, but lately, men turn me on a whole lot more than women. This I have not shared with her. This would put more doubt on her mind. Everything else, I've been as honest as I could about. She knows about my desires, but not that I sometimes prefer a man to a woman. Even as I write this, I feel weird. But it also arouses me. Weird, huh?

    How's your husband been with you? How have you been with him? It's nice to talk to someone who's in the same boat as I am. Do you still love him? More importantly, are you still in love with him? Are you still attracted to him and other men? I wish this was easier.

    I also have two small children. They are my world. Ever since I came out, last week, I feel so selfish. I've thought about me and I've thought about my wife so much. It's been over 5 years that I have thought about me. We are great parents. It's all about the kids, all the time, and we were happy like that. Well, sort of. We've had our problems, so when I came out to her, it was because we were talking about our problems. We were fixing them. I think I actually made them worse.

    Do you regret coming out to your husband? I regret coming out to my wife, but now that I'm out to her, I want to be 100% honest. I think it's the only way to save our marriage. Or I think it's the only way to make us each happy, long term.

    She's hot and not-so-cold. More like confused. The day after she cried all day and didn't want to see me, 2 days after I came out, we talked and she took me to buy me a dildo. She doesn't want to know when I use it though. She thinks it's disgusting. I love it! But I wish I could talk about it.

    I'm not sure that we're doing much else at the moment to figure this out. Just seeking therapy, saying "I love you to each other" and the stuff I mentioned above. Some days are easier. Some are moderately to really hard. She's having a hard time with it, but sometimes she doesn't think about it.

    Has your husband treated you differently? Is it affecting your family life?

    I look forward to our friendship :slight_smile: My wife says I easily make friends with women, and wonders if it's because I like men. LOL

    TTYL,

    CubbieBlue
     
  14. YDaisy

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    Hi CubbieBlue,

    Thank you so much for opening up and sharing! I really appreciate it!
    You and your wife are going through quite a lot, and I'm sure it's not easy on either of you.

    I know all about feeling selfish, and the guilt that comes with parenting... I have two little ones of my own, and like you always put them above all else. But this year I've discovered a few very important things. Firstly, that when I'm happy everyone around me is happy; I project this happiness which my kids pick up on, and I'm a lot more patient. I also think that taking the time to dig deep into myself and figuring out who I am is happening now, because I'm in a place where it's paramount for my, and ultimately my family's, well-being. Therefore, I don't see it as a selfish act, but one that is necessary and will benefit everybody.

    I'm actually very happy I told my husband. I love him dearly, I'm in love with him, and I'm attracted to him. None of these have changed since my revelation. He's also my best friend, and our marriage and family are very important to me, and I'm not looking to change that. Even though it was very hard for me, and is hard for him as well, I'm glad I told him. Because now I can be me. Completely me. It's an amazing and freeing feeling, but I think it's also important for our relationship -- for him to receive and know the complete me.
    He hasn't treated me differently since I told him. I do sometimes wonder if he's trying to see how I look at female friends, but it might just be in my head... And we sometimes share a laugh when we both find the same woman attractive. But I don't really know what goes through his mind, and that's where we differ, him and I: I need to talk about things, to share. It helps me better understand what and how I'm feeling; He on the other hand doesn't talk. To anyone. He feels like he needs to fully process his feelings before he can share them, and even then it would only be with me. It's not always positive, as I think we all need the perspective of someone outside the relationship. So it's been hard in that respect. I'm not entirely sure what he's thinking and feeling, and I often wonder if he just swept it under the rug so he wouldn't have to think about it...

    What I'm not telling him is that I only fantasize about women, either when masturbating or when we're having sex. I think this might hurt him, and make him feel like I'm not attracted to him, which is not the case. I have never been with a woman, and right now I'm trying to figure out if it's something I want and need. I did bring up the idea of an open relationship, and we started reading about it together. But he's very much against it, and I'm not entirely sure that it's something I want. And I think the topic was brought up too soon, and we have other things to address before we dive into this. So we took a step back. I think he's just not thinking about these issues, but as aforementioned I don't really know. But I'm working on myself right now, to figure out what I truly want before bringing it up with him.

    From what you're telling, it sounds like you and your wife are in a good place, despite the difficulties. This is actually bringing you closer together, making you more open with each other and more honest, which in my mind only strengthens the relationship. If neither of you wants to give up the relationship, it means you will work hard together to maintain it. Don't forget that you came out just a week ago. This is new and fresh, and it takes time for everybody to process such revelations. I know that my husband was at first worried I was going to leave him for a woman, that I'm not attracted to him, that he's not enough for me. None of these are true, and I felt it was my job to reassure him (and I still do), and make him feel needed and important.
    I know you say she's disgusted by gay sex. That may be true, but it might be something that threatens her greatly, and it might be something you both need to talk about, try to understand each other better. If you are considering an open relationship, there are so many models, ranging from full disclosure to "don't ask don't tell" model, and it's up to you to figure out together what would work best for you. But that's a bit premature I think, just as in my case. First thing is to figure out what it is that you want and how you want to move forward. That part is hard, as I'm finding out...
    You mentioned that you regret coming out to her. I often actually think of my kids: how do I want to bring them up? I want for my kids to be free to be who they are. To fully express themselves, and to be comfortable in their own skin. I wouldn't want my kids to hide any ounce of themselves for the sake of others. We, as parents, lead by example, and we should hold ourselves to the same standards. I'm not saying I'm going to put an add in the paper, or tattoo the word "bisexual" on my forehead. I'm also not ready to share this with others who are close to me (and definitely not my parents). It may come eventually or it may not. But I think you and I took the first and biggest step: we shared ourselves completely with the person closest to us, and whom we love. I think it's huge, brave, and extremely important.

    It's not an easy journey for sure. But it's an important one, not just for us but for our families as well. But like anything, it takes time. And we're not alone in this, our spouses are taking this journey with us, each in their own way. We have to remember that and consider their feelings as well. One day you think you're safe in your marriage, and the next the ground shakes under your feet.
    I'm also in therapy at the moment, and I think that's a great step for both of us. And talking to each other I think helps :slight_smile: I was very excited to find a message from you this morning :slight_smile:

    Good luck my friend, and hope to hear from you soon. Like you said, one day at a time. I have good days, where I'm excited about this process. And some really bad ones, where I feel completely alone, and very lonely... I'm glad we're here for each other :slight_smile:
     
  15. happydavid

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  16. CubbieBlue

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    Thanks for the parenting advice. It definitely helps. I'm glad to hear you and your husband seem to be working through this. I'm not really sure where my wife and I are right now. I guess I can count today as one of those "bad days" we both mentioned. She was pretty upset with me because I didn't pay attention to her. The constant reareassuring of my love for her is sometimes too much. Other times, she feels I'm not paying attention to her. Other times, I seem to get it right. As long as I don't talk about my sexuality.
    I feel so alone today. I've teared all day and fear loss on my family. I also fear not being me. I felt so good when I first came out to her.I felt sexy. I felt happy. Excited. But also scared. Now I just feel sad. Afraid. I want to go home and cry, but I don't want her to see me do that.

    What's been on your mind? I hope you have found some comfort in finding someone that's in a very similar situation to yours. Its nice, for me, talking to you.
     
  17. YDaisy

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    Oh, CubbieBlue, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way! I feel your pain. And you know what, you're allowed to cry. It's a good release, and sometime an important one.

    I don't know how the situation is with your wife, and how open you guys are with each other. Can you talk to her? You mentioned how you're trying to be honest with each other, so I'm wondering if talking with her about your feelings might help. If you come from a position of wanting to explain and not blame, it might go better than you think.
    What does paying attention mean to her? What are her expectations of you? If they're more clear it might be easier for you to meet her needs. But yours are also important. If you feel like sharing yourself with her, fully and completely, is important to you, you should let her know. Find out what it is about your sexuality that is so hard for her to hear? Where does it come from? You might have to give it time, and give her the time to process. Maybe even a couples therapy is needed here. Try and talk with her about what would be best for your relationship, and for both of you to be happy in it, together.

    I know it's not easy. I really really do. You're not alone! We may not know anything about each other really, but I am sending some positive energy and hugs your way, hoping they would reach you. Please keep talking to me!
     
  18. lb41974

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    Hello and welcome :slight_smile:
     
  19. bi2me

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    Hi and welcome! YDaisy - I'm in pretty much the same place as you... Hereis a thread that might be interesting to you and CubbieBlue. There are a lot of people in mixed orientation marriages. I've found everyone to be friendly and helpful. Feel free to message me on my wall. :slight_smile:
     
  20. Candace

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    Hello and welcome to EC! :smilewave :welcome: It's a pleasure to meet you :slight_smile: