Hi (long introduction)

I just joined the site the other day. I'm a straight male and have several gay/bi friends. And just as a warning, I'm known to go an on trying to get around to a point. So if you don't want to read all the rest, I'll just say Hi, I'm Eric, nice to meet you, and you can skip the rest.

I've read through a lot of the forum and spent a lot of time in the coming out stories in particular because it amazes me how people react differently, and also the courage needed to come out, not knowing what you'll be faced with. I come from a tiny town in a very religious area in the south. The people I grew up around, while their were exceptions, generally didn't like anyone different from themselves. Part of it was bigotry handed down from generation to generation, but it was coupled with a lack of exposure as well.

One thing I think people don't often realize is that lack of exposure to homosexuals and bisexuals and other things that are "different" has a pretty big impact on perception, and contributes a lot to homophobia. If people haven't been exposed to something, all they have to go on is what they've been taught by others. I think that's why a lot of parents and friends react harshly at first (sometimes extremely) but then come around over time and accept and maybe even embrace the people that come out to them.

You're probably thinking, "Where is he going with this?". Honestly I'm not sure yet, but hopefully I'll make some sense as I type.

Growing up in a small (less than 10,000 pop.) town, I remember seeing a black person for the first time. I was maybe 6 years old, and a black man and his daughter who was my age had come by my grandfather's house to get their car worked on (my grandfather was a mechanic).

I was very lucky that I wasn't raised in an environment that fostered hate. My mom loved everyone and my dad wasn't really around much. He wasn't a bad father, he did what he had to do. He worked hard during the day, leaving early, working overtime, and going to school at night. But neither raised me to look at anyone any differently than anyone else.

Keep in mind, being a child, I had never seen a black person before, and being a child I was... intrigued I guess you would say. I remember have the insane curiosity of wonder if she touched me, would the color rub off on me? Don't get the wrong idea. This wasn't a negative thought. I just didn't know what to think. I wanted to touch her to find out. I wasn't afraid of her, I didn't think it was bad that she was different. If anything, I was drawn to her because of the difference and I wanted to understand it. It was an innocent child's curiosity. I was lucky enough, not to have been taught bias by adults as I grew up.

Now imagine, other kids, like me, growing up in a town like that, but their parents teaching them all the racist terms and beliefs etc. They haven't seen a black person before, but they've gotten this image of what black people are from their parents already in their head. And it's their parents! It's all they know. They have no reason to disbelieve it. At that young age, nearly everything you know comes from your parents and what interaction you have with other kids. If you're told something, it automatically becomes fact in your head. So when these kids see a black person, maybe a child their age, it's not curiosity they feel, it's fear and resentment that their parents taught them.

They don't have a chance to learn the truth, because they have been taught that whites and blacks don't mix. They they shouldn't want to talk to them. That they shouldn't trust them. It's all they know, so they don't. It's sad in itself that they were taught these things, but sadder still that they can't unlearn it without being around the people they're taught not to want to be around.

I know this forum isn't about race issues, but I think much of the homophobia has occurred for the same reasons. And also I suck at explaining stuff, but I'm really good with analogies. Had those kids grown up around black kids, not being told anything (like I was) and were able to make their own judgements based on experience with their friends they wouldn't make racist remarks. They wouldn't have fear. They wouldn't know racism. They would be able to see that person as a person not unlike themselves, the way I was able to do.

Like I said before, I was very fortunate that I grew up in a home where everyone was equal. This in a community where "Democrat" was a four letter word. Forget being gay, hell if you were a democrat you had to live in the closet to avoid ridicule. You can imagine what it would be like for anyone really different. I remember in elementary school, like around grade 3, our teacher was asking the class where we went to church. One girl said she didn't go to church. Everyone was dead silent. No one knew what to make of someone that didn't go to church.

That's how closed minded all (or at least most) of these kids were raised. It's all in the teaching of our kids. My grandmother said to me once when I was growing up "I don't understand racism. When I grew up, we all played together, we were just kids, no one took note of what color our skin was." People are taught hate and fear. Luckily my family wasn't, but I did grow up surrounded by it at school and luckily, it didn't make sense to me, so those views didn't become my views.

The same was true with gay people in my community. As I reached high school, the racism was better, but not by any strech of the imagination was it gone. There were two interracial couples and they caught a lot of hell for it. High school was also the first time I had actually met an openly gay person. Of course this person didn't live in my town, but it was when I got a job working in a city near by. My manager was a lesbian. One of the male employees was also openly gay.

At that point I was 17 and I had heard about gays and was filled with all sorts of information (false information) from junior high up, so that's all I knew going into this experience. Luckily, I was old enough to know better than to rely on what I'd heard growing up from people at school and church. I met these two, and met the manager's partner, and guess what? They were people, just like me. Just like everyone else I knew and was friends with. They were no different except that the female manager and I had the same taste in chicks.

I think the point of this is that, coming out is hard because of people's preconceived notions of what gay people are, why their gay, etc. In most cases, it's only experiencing getting to know a "real live gay person" that will allow them to realize that if you're gay, you're still just a person. It's the way you were made and you're not really any different than them.

Again the problem is that they're taught NOT to get to know someone that's gay. That's what makes coming out's potentially a bad experience. The person you're coming out to may reject you based on these preconceived notions before it sinks in they hey, they already know you and you are still you. Sadly, some will never let it sink in. Some just can't let go of long held beliefs no matter how much evidence to the contrary is staring them in the face.

I've noticed that the people that have been around homosexuals and bisexuals a lot, are typically not homophobic. Is that because the gays are rubbing off on them? That's what a few people I've met would say, but no... it's because they have experience instead of preconceived baseless notions.

So what's the answer to homophobia? I don't know, but I think coming out is a good cure. Coming out gives those that you're coming out to a realization that many probably never had before... "Wow, this person is gay. I've known them for years and wow, they're not any different, but they're gay!" I think that's where it starts. People have to experience the truth in order to get the indoctrinated bs out of their head. Of course you should come out for you, not for them. I'm just saying that I think as more people come out, society as a whole will be more educated and therefore more accepting.

So, if you've read this far, I apologize. You probably could really use some Advil right now. I am a bit long winded and tend to ramble on and on and on. But my point is, with regard to the gblt community, these are my views and experiences and I am here to help, if I can, in some way or another. I applaud those brave enough to come out especially in their teens. I was no where near that brave when I was a teenager.

Wow, did I seriously type that much? And I left out a ton of stuff too. It's a good thing it's time for bed.

 

Thaks everyone for the welcome.

This I think is what I was trying to say in 10 paragraphs or so, and you eloquently narrowed it down to one. One day I'm going to learn to do that.