someone walled in the doorway of my closet...

there are good days and bad days in my closet, but it's always a closet. I've always been gay. Yeah, I know that's how it works, but when I was young they said it was a choice, so I kept choosing to be straight but kept having sex with other men because of my "weakness." Looking back, I know that I was always suspecting and getting the signs but refusing to believe it. When I was 10, I was afraid that I might be gay. When I was 13, I started high school and couldn't control the raging erections that I would always get in the locker rooms (before learning how to take care of those by myself at home, it was a real problem). I was a virgin when I graduated from college, probably because I had no interest in chasing after girls and no opportunities in my homophobic environment to explore with other young men. Then I began a lifetime of risky anonymous sex, repenting, and then returning to the same. I married believing that I really was straight, and that the sex would cure me. I married the first woman I could, and the marriage has survived for 35 years despite not really liking each other much or having anything in common. We haven't had sex for years. She is almost asexual, and that takes pressure off me. We had three kids in the process (obviously there was some sex), and I love them dearly. My wife is very dependent, and I am afraid that coming out to her would be so devastating. Well, about five years ago I finally figured out that the reason I keep having sex with men is that I'm gay. Earlier this year, I confessed it to a priest, and he told me that I need to stop pretending to be someone I'm not and come out, and be authentically the person God created me to be; that I could never reach my potential while living a lie. I almost came out to my wife soon after that, but I just couldn't. I have been diagnosed with chronic depression in the past and I'm sure that it is the stress of constantly living a lie. I don't see anyway out of this closet. Someone put a wall where the door used to be. :help:

 

Thank you for the welcome, Candace! It makes me feel just a tiny bit less alone, and right now even a tiny bit is a huge thing. Oh God, I'm such a jerk, my eyes tear up just writing that. well, anyway, thank you!

 

thanks for responding, ITIAG. Every little response makes me feel a tiny bit less alone. I know what you say is true, but coming out to her would be blasting a hole through the wall of the doorless closet I'm trapped in. Good friend and companion? After 35 years, I don't think that's going to happen. We've survived by living separate lives. Lots of time away, like at sea when in the Navy, and business travel, and long work hours. Now we have more time together, and the one thing that we're honest about is that we can't communicate and have nothing in common. Well, what is a heterosexual woman with a low sex drive going to have in common with a gay man? But I really appreciate your comment because I know you're right. Basically, it's what the priest told me, to tell her the truth and live authentically who I really am. Seems I prefer the pain of incarceration in a small closet than the joy and freedom of living out in the open. Maybe I have acrophobia?

 

yeah, I found that section after finding this one. I am having a bit of a hard time navigating around this site, but one I found the later in life section, I saved the url so I can go back to it whenever. that's probably where I'll find what I need to hear. chip away at one brick at a time? I'll keep that in mind. maybe every time I find a chance to make a chip. like here. find a real person to talk to would help a lot. who knows? is there a point where it's just too late? I think there is, I'm just sure when that point is. thanks. :tears:

 

thanks to everyone for the supportive comments. it certainly is a very nice welcome to EC. I have tried so many sites like this in the past that were just total fizzles. people are actually responding to my threads, and giving me supportive comments and some good advice. yesterday, I was totally depressed and certain that that things would only get better when I die (not suicidal, just feeling a life sentence to being happy). I'm still betting on the life sentence, but I'm seriously looking for a therapist who I can talk to about where I'm at. I'm going on a couple trips over the next few weeks, but I really think I will start with a therapist when I get back. And once I do that, I hope that s/he will be able to point me in the direction of a gay men's support group. I like what I'm experiencing here, and am just dreaming about what it could be like to find a live group of men to talk to. and beyond all dreams would be to actually make some gay friends, friends not hookups, wow that seems like too much to hope for. but that word hope, wow, it definitely wasn't in my vocabulary yesterday. Not a lot of hope, but it's still better than none at all. I guess little successes provide a little hope, if there are more little successes, maybe I'll move further down the path. or is that too much to hope for?

 

OMG, Think, THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!! You just can't imagine what I felt reading your words. Everything you said makes sense and I really needed to hear it. How did you get so smart??? EC is a great gift. How else would I have heard your words? Life will get better. Life will be worth living. I AM GAY AND THAT IS OK!!! Thanks sio much. From depression to hope. Thanks (*hug*)

 

I really appreciate all the support and suggestions. I can feel the love!!! This is definitely the right place for me to be right now

 

Welcome to EC!