Hello There!

Hi, I just joined! I'm a 19 year old.

My background's a little rough. And I'm not really sure where to share it, so here's me, warning it's LONG:

I had probably one of my first "gay thoughts" as a kid in preschool when I told my friend (who is straight, but I actually still hang out with), if guys could marry, I'd marry you. He took it as sweet and didn't know any better that there was a such thing as gay people and that some people thought it was wrong. A staff at the daycare overheard and called to send me home, and my dad really let me have it.

My dad's always been rather controlling to me but I didn't realize how much so until my mom passed away to cancer when I was 9 and remarried when I was 10. He made everyone swear to not tell me my mom was sick or had cancer until I found out the day she passed, he kept distancing me from her, and every other member of my family. I at least wasn't dumb and I looked up my dad's website history one day and saw what dating sites he was on, created a fake account with a profile that wouldn't attract anyone, and I saw he was into a bunch of rather inappropriate stuff, basically cheating when my mom was sick and already dating less than a month after I passed. Anyways, he pushed and demanded for more than I'm really capable of. I was grounded for B's in school, and eventually my grades got worse because I couldn't take the pushing and I fell through.

My sophomore year of high school wasn't going so well, my district opened another high school due to overcrowding, and I had to attend the new school (which is sort of where the kids with more means of the district went), and all my friends stayed at the old school so I could only talk to them really at football games or by texting them as my dad only let me hang out with friends about 4 or so times a year. My dad was increasingly pushy on everything because he made everything a competition between how I did vs how my step mom's kids did. The pressure was so bad on so many levels I attempted taking my life, thrice. One of my friends told a counselor at my school about it, and they were obligated to tell my parents, it really didn't go well. I was grounded until school got out.

I had saved up to go on a trip to Europe with the school and loved it but couldn't help how much I loved the British guys, I'm dual American & British by birth myself, but never really lived there. And that's when I started realizing I might be gay, and this was all about through June I was there, I loved it. No parents to report to, I was the only guy on the trip, and the girls helped me talk it out and took me shopping with them and held up dresses to me, it was just perfect.

I got home on July 1st and my family planned a two week vacation to the East Coast and Washington, DC for the 4th of July. The whole time that we were in the car, I had the whole back seat to myself so I could lay down and look up all about gay culture, gay people, gay kisses, you name it. And on the 4th, I was sitting in the Hard Rock Café in DC and discretely signed up for TrevorSpace. That's kind of what I mark to be my coming out to myself.

We got home a bit later that month and my 16th birthday was coming up. And my dad felt like I wasn't doing much as far as girls go. I mean some days during the school years before he'd take me to school and point out girls he thought I should get with. So he took me to Twin Peaks, just me and him and he tried bribed the girls to "allure" me with their "features". I hated it, so I stared at my phone the entire time and texted my friends, coming out to the ones I knew would be okay with it, and told them what my dad was doing, and I just couldn't take it anymore.

The next day, the day before my birthday, I was continuing the conversations, and playing the piano, with my phone on the piano's music stand, screen facing me. My dad comes down, I quickly flip the phone over since this was before the iPhone let you hide the contents of a text message from the lock screen. I keep playing, then after I finish playing the song, he takes my phone, demands me to give him the password and to let him have it for a while. He read all of my texts and FB conversations. Nothing else.

About a couple hours later I had the crap beaten outta me, and I was grounded indefinitely. (From July until October from friends, activities, electronics, and books.) I was essentially expected to focus entirely on chores, schoolwork and sleep.

After around mid-October I got access to my electronics again. Finally. In December, I met someone I really liked instantly on TrevorSpace, we started dating within a day, my first relationship. It was long distance of 15 miles, but it took us until late February to meet in person. We Facetimed every single night, and watched glee together, but to keep it discrete from my parents, we only talked when they weren't home or were asleep which was a lot actually, otherwise we texted while Facetiming.

It was about March when my dad found out about us. Unhappily, I was grounded again. Although this time I got inventive. I had cleaned out my room and found an old PlayStation Portable device and after school I had to "do homework and study in the library", but instead I used the library's computer, found myself a free web hosting site, coded a PHP application with AJAX to make a messaging software so I could chat with my boyfriend on. For non-nerds, I programmed my own chat system. Unfortunately I fell asleep one night with the PSP still on and my dad found it, and smashed all my devices with a sledgehammer. I was disconnected from the world until about August, my senior year of school. That year, I went on and made quite some accomplishments in school, despite all this drama, I really wasn't out in school, and I was a pretty likable kid, quite nerdy but outgoing. At least I has school where I could feel safe. I always dreaded home, especially if my dad was gone, and if he came home and pulled the car into the driveway, it always gave me the chills.

Graduation day finally arose, and my dad found my iPad, he went through my iBooks and found my books about gay people and love stories and such, nothing inappropriate, but still, the looks and stuff I got from him. Yikes.

The summer before college, I spent the first month in Europe with music students throughout the state and I got some time away from family and I had my second major relationship after having a few flings here and there. We started dating in June, and in July I turned 18, however the age of majority was 19 in my state so that didn't mean much.

In August this 2013, college started. I studied Computer Engineering. Nothing really relevant happened, besides breaking up with the person I was with in October, until the holidays when I had to go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I dreaded the breaks. I didn't want to go home. Classes weren't going well, I just struggled because of all the pressure I got from my dad pushing and pushing, plus I was working my first job not ran by me. I've been running a side business for a few years. But now I was an animator and an instant replay guy for my university's jumbotrons in the athletic venues. All that and adjusting to school was a bit much and I was put on academic probation.

My second semester, classes were amazing, I was doing well. Around March, once midterms came along, I for some reason decided to share a link on Facebook to a letter on my website, that I've been working on for years. It started off as a suicide letter from earlier, but got reworked into my coming out letter. I shared it right before my computer engineering midterm, and then when I got out I turned on my phone to be flooded by hundreds of notifications. I received voicemails, phone calls, congratulations messages, personal stories from others, other people coming out to me, and everything you could imagine for support. I felt on top of the world. There was one thing I did notice however, there was not a single comment by my dad or step mom.

That evening I went to my university's LGBTQA+ student groups for the first time and everything went incredibly and we played Cards Against Humanity, talked about the art of silk screening (later I made one that turned out well of Ellen Degeneres), grabbed dinner at a dining hall and went out to watch Frozen for my first time for a buck at the university's theater. It was one of the best days of my life. The next day went well and I was hanging out in my friends' dorm until my dad texts me and calls me and continues to do so and says he's on campus and at my dorm. I pretended I was in class but I was still with my friends and we panicked about what to do, so I had us all take the back exit and re-enter the building together and come with so we could judge if it was safe. My dad played extremely nice and happy around me and them until he took me to the car. It seemed like he was proud of me. Quite the opposite. I'd rather not discuss what happened after that but it was probably one of the worser moments of my life, but later that moment he at least took me back to campus. And let me be for a while. That was until spring break came up. Unfortunately the dorm I was in was closed for break, and my California trip plans with friends fell through so I had to go home to put up with more abuse for a week, and I knew summer was coming up and I wasn't going to take it any longer. Thankfully I met an amazing guy who I dated for a short while, until his dad didn't like him coming out as gay, but I texted him all through spring break and the end of the year.

I decided I need help and started seeing a counselor provided by the school. Thankfully the university has an amazing program and they helped immensely. One night I caught one of my friends outside walking back to the dorm, and we decided we want some Canes chicken, it's a craving I always have. And we went out around 1:30 am, and we got there and ran into some other computer engineering students, joined them and found out they were drunk out of their mind, so my friend and I chatted, and I just began talking about running away and not returning home, jokingly. Then I got back and slept on it, realizing it was actually a possibility. And I started arranging summer housing with the dorms, since I still wasn't old enough to sign leases in my state, that was my best option. In April I started ignoring my dad, and he began chasing me down and so I constantly was in hiding and running away and staying in random friends' places and all and suffered in classes immensely. But everything as far as summer arrangements worked out.

In May I moved to my summer dorm, my dad sent me an nasty-written email saying he was disappointed and all, and I was cut off the phone plan and he closed my bank accounts, so I had $2. I went job hunting and struck up a pretty good full time position that paid well. Unfortunately though, I received a letter saying I was dismissed from the university. Thankfully they said they understood my circumstances and would let me keep my summer dorm contract until I got sorted. I worked my tail off to get myself re-instated and it all passed. The next day however, I was playing piano, and posted a video to my Facebook, after thinking the piano was haunted for "playing itself" because all the keys jiggled weirdly and made an atrocious noise, as I was trying to record a cover of my school's pre-game pump up song tradition in excitement of my reinstatement. I then for some reason managed to walk to the police station where I totally became unaware of what was happening. They called an ambulance and I guess I took a selfie as they were putting me on it and sent it on snapchat without a caption. That got my friends worried. I regained my mental clarity when I was at the hospital, and they told me I was having an Acute MI (heart attack) and wouldn't most likely make it. But I got lucky. My friends came to visit me and made sure none of my information made it to my dad.

I thankfully made it out alright and was back to normal in no time, and submitted information to insurance. BIG MISTAKE. That went right to my dad and he had all of my information, where I lived, worked, all that. He randomly showed up at my workplace one day which is really hidden. Tucked away behind an art gallery in a suite with a combo-locked door entry. He knocked, invited himself in and refused to leave until he saw me, saying he had custody over me since I was still a minor in my state. My bosses had no idea about the disconnect between us. Only one coworker did, so she hid me behind a little furniture piece in the corner. My dad saw my stuff at my desk so he knew I was there, and he began looking around and found me, and took me outside. He wanted an explanation why I ran and I am very non-confrontational so it was hard for me to defend my answers and he put the blame back on me. He tried to get me to go with him to who knows where and threatened to call a cop to turn me in. I kinda ran back inside to my surprise there was a cop in the art gallery, that I later found out my coworker called in on him while I was arguing with my dad outside.

My dad played this very fake nice-sounding concerned parent act and tried to tell the cop along the lines of, "I'm worried about my son here, he hasn't answered any of my calls for two months, and has been running away and wouldn't return home, he's only 18 so I still have custody of him, and he's been acting out of line." The cop asked if I could speak only to her and my dad pushed that he talks to all of us first, but the cop wanted just me. She pulled me out to her very nice undercover car and asked me all that went on, and I basically spieled all of the above, and she then asked me what I want her to do to him. I was confused, all I wanted was to be left alone, but she asked if I wanted him arrested for breaking an entry of a private workplace or things along those lines. I told her to hold off, she gave me her card, a few resources for restraint orders and told me she thought highly of me. Then we met with my dad, where she basically laid down the line to leave me alone, saying I wasn't emancipated, however I was legally independent for being the age I am, a month from 19, and having a job and providing for myself, and having a place to live. The cop called for another cop to escort him off the property. This was a huge relief. I went back to work, only to find a notice asking for my resignation, but the cop was friends with the staff at my office and clarified stuff with my bosses and my job was thankfully safe.

Around July I got a job offer to work at some of the nations more famous tech companies, starting positions but still, and I had turned them down for school. I also finally started reconnecting with my extend family on my mom's side after keeping quiet from everyone I knew but a select few for months. It felt good to get back in touch, but I learned a lot about my dad being abusive to more than just me. But I got to spend my birthday with family.

August started up and I got back into school. I also was nominated to run the LGBTQA+ club, with all my media experience, and I also was in charge of forming a new club for LGBTQA+ students in STEM fields as a chapter in a national organization. Besides that I also was working the full time job, and resuming my animating job with the athletic department and I started my second side business company, still keeping my main one as well. I left the full time job because I couldn't fit it in. So I swapped it with an overnight dorm front desk attendant job at the university. Things were falling apart with my life again but I was doing big things, coordinating a campus-wide drag show with Shangela, getting Laverne Cox to speak and Mary Lambert to perform, coordinating a trip out to Atlanta for the STEM group's national conference, making awesome animations, and trying to help others wherever I could. I love talking to people and helping them get through things and giving advice, I'm just not so good with helping myself. Money has become tight since, and classes just weren't cutting it, and I nearly was evicted twice from my dorm. I was falling apart emotionally, even though I've had nonstop counseling since the spring. My dad was still trying to chase me around, and I've had those days where I had to hide with faculty in the basements of administration buildings for my own safety. I tried applying for a restraint order but it didn't pass in court.

Just when I thought I wan't busy enough, I also started a relationship with my current partner. He helped remind me of my goals I had lost sight of. I wrote down this whole list of goals about 6 years ago. So far every one has been completed on their dates I said I'd accomplish them by. From creating a tech program at my high school, getting into college to interning with the athletic department for the jumbotrons. My next goal on the list was for the 2nd semester of my second year to participate in the Disney College Program. The rest of my goals were on the Disney track to Imagineering. I have a passion for creating enjoyable experiences for others, no matter if they're computer users, football fans or theme park guests. So he encouraged me to apply, and I actually did get accepted. And I am scheduled to start in February.

About a week ago was the end of the semester. I had to move out, and I got myself an apartment until my program. It's been nice to be out of dorms and have a place to relax for once. Unfortunately today though I just got another letter saying I was dismissed from my university again, so I still have this feeling my life might not get too far. It's just uneasy.

This basically leads you to where I am now. Still being chased here and there. I've certainly learned a ton, and honestly regret nothing of this, despite the constant 4-6 sleepless nights a week I get from stress. I couldn't be more thankful of the friends I have, however looking forward, I'm planning to leave all behind and move to Florida, so it'll be a bit hard. But I think it'll be much safer for me right now, and actually let me be me for the first time.

My 2015 New Years Resolutions won't be trying to change something about myself. I'm going to make 2015 the year I discover myself.

Thanks for letting me share this, sorry it was LONG but I just needed to get this off me. I really look forward to meeting you all and I love to talk about nearly everything, so don't be afraid to drop me a line.