Hey I really just need some help here. I'm probably not even in the right place for my issues & apologize in advance for bothering anyone but I don't know what else to do, so here goes nothing. I totally fell for someone online a few years ago. We both lied to each other about our true identities but in the end, everything came out of our closets (no pun intended) and I discovered that they were transgender, which is really why they had lied to me. I'm not but I do have some body image issues, though I wouldn't want to completely be a guy, only in some ways, so I can't call myself trans. I really did love him & wanted to tell my mother, so I did & she completely freaked out & not because he is transgender, because she never even got to know that. She thought the whole online thing was ridiculous & weird & that whomever I was talking to had to be a freak. Over & over again she threatened and bargained for me to quit talking to him & because I love her so much, I did. I threw him out like trash & never spoke to him again. Ever. That was 2 years ago. I don't know what it is but I can't stop thinking about him now. I want to, but at the same time I don't. I miss him & wish it could have worked out so we could have stayed together. I was really happy then & I'm just not anymore. My mother always talks about how accepting she is & I wish she could convey that toward me. I know it's because she worries & cares but I KNOW he wasn't a freak and I know he was harmless. We talked every single day & called each other at night. I felt wanted & special, which nobody has ever made me feel. My mother always says it's not "real" and that I just love fantasy, but I know that's not true. It was real & it was all that it could have been at the moment, since we were so far. But I do love her more than anyone in this world & can't fathom for a second losing my relationship with her or even jeopardizing it in any way. I wish I could tell you all that I am 14 & that's why I'm being a huge p*ssy but I'm not. I'm an adult. I just don't know what to do. I couldn't even contact him right now because I deleted his number & changed mine out of extreme fear toward my mother. I just want to run to the end of the earth & never come back. I told her because I thought if anyone would understand, it woulda been her. If I could wish for anything it would be to be with him far away, & never have to deal with anyone I have to around here. I kind of started seeing someone recently & I think she is just so overjoyed it's someone she can see & yet, I can't feel it. I don't know why. I'm not excited to have sex or anything else remotely like that. Am I insane? What the hell is wrong with me? I want to talk to the person I fell in love with again, but I don't want it if it won't work out. I feel so insane. My mind is driving me crazy with the thoughts inside & the anxiety is eating me alive. I have developed such severe anxiety & paranoia since we have stopped talking and I acknowledge how crazy it is but don't know what to do. I don't want to leave my mother's side & out of nowhere panic she'll be mad at me for something, which makes me so afraid. I have countless physical symptoms that I am confident are attributable to anxiety. And this all started once I stopped talking to him. I wish I had the balls to say F you to everyone here but I have no job & nowhere to go. What the hell do I do?
