I have to tangent this or I will chicken out. I finally accepted that I was gay a year ago, when my ex boyfriend became my Ex. Yes, boyfriend. I played straight. I was going to marry this guy and everything. He was a good guy. King. Generous. Engaging, there for the good majority of our relationship. Now ask me what I felt for him … NOTHING. No love, nothing. We’d have sex, nothing. He’d say I love you, which was always met with silence on my end. I couldn’t say it. Told him that I wouldn’t lie. I didn’t love him. My grandmother says that love is just the accumulation of a long-term friendship. I had myself convince that love was nothing more than a white-lie, and it was nothing more than the summation of logical choices. When he broke up with me, the anger that I felt was fleeting – he said horrid things to me, but it passed, and life moved on. I thought about it and found myself reflecting o my true, first, female best friend. What I felt for her was so strong and so real, it filled me up – she was straight, but I thrived off the feeling. I looked at my writing (I write fantasy novels) and the first drafts of most of my stories, original had some lesbian relationship – which I would later change, for the story to be accepted. In high school, I stayed on the edge, sympathizing with the LGBT community, flirting with it, but it was this thing inside me that I wouldn’t accept, or acknowledge. I would tell myself I just needed to find a man that I trusted. I don’t trust men. Considering my past that seems logical. Three boyfriends later, all whom are great guys, a few guy partners, and I still hadn’t felt anything. The only parts of sex are what I can do myself. I have hurt all three of those guys, they loved me, and I could never love them back – never be the sex partner they needed. I accepted it, but I am not out yet. A year later, and the biggest step is joining a LGBT guild in my game, which then gave me the courage to join this. I hope this community will help me gain the confidence – well, just confidence. Phew. I hope that wasn’t too long of an introduction.
