So here I am, 46, married to my third husband and totally confused. I love my husband but feel attracted to women. All my life I have had this 'hidden" desire to rather be with a woman than a man. Not necessarily sexually, just be. I do not get a crush on every lady friend I am with, yet there were a few women I could see myself having a relationship with, should things have been different. Growing up in a then, very conservative, South Africa, being gay or lesbian was classified as evil/wrong. I guess I forced myself to be "normal", hence husband #3, whom I have known on off for more than 20 years. I/We have no children, he has two sons from a previous marriage. Make no mistake, I do love him, but at times feel it tiresome to be in his company. Although I have quite a few lesbian and gay friends, I have never had a same gender relationship. I am not your girlie kind of woman, but would not consider myself as "butch" either. I appreciate beautiful women and these days I find myself more and more drawn to them. Watching TV or a movie, in the mall, secretly across a crowd... what is wrong with me?
Welcome, Desert Rose (lovely username, by the way). Even though I don't know you, I can tell you that nothing is wrong with you—or at least not with your desire for other females. On the contrary, I think the only thing that has been "wrong" is that, due to the context you grew up/developed in, you were never allowed to freely be yourself, or to fully explore your desires, or maybe even to love whatever or whomever you loved in secret. Or that is what I think/feel from your words.
All I can say is I know the South Africa can be a bit homophobic, so know it can be difficult to be gay or bi. So allow yourself some slack. I understand that you love your husband, I'm gay and I love my wife and I'm as gay as they get. She is bi and I know that she is crazy over me. For me I do desperately want to be in a different relationship but then again she is never tiresome. Everyone's relationship is unique and fraught with difficulty regardless of sexuality. In my limited experience relationships, they work or don't work regardless of sexuality. However if you have never kissed someone of the same sex try it, it may tell you weather you are gay or bi (it did for me). Contrary to popular belief being confused is a normal part of a relationship. Getting your head around all of this will be difficult and painful. No matter what you will find great support on this site. (*hug*)
Nothing... Unless you want to call it wrong, and there is no need to bring yourself down. I also look at them, and sometimes they look at me back, it's nice We all have our dark past (sometimes present is also dark-greyish)... But we can make a bright future if we want to. Welcome to EC.
Thank you for all the welcome posts, and ears that listen. I felt a bit guilty joining ec... yet it feels good to know that people do listen without judging...
