OK here I go... I have always been attracted to other women. I have fooled around with one/a friend at the time, something like 14 years ago now, nothing serious. I have had 3 serious boyfriends. I am with one now. But lately, I've decided to become who I am and just drop the act of trying to be 'Who I'm supposed to be" and actually do what's in MY best interest. THIS IS NOT EASY! IT"S TERRIFYING!! My relationship now with my bf is a joke. He adds nothing to it, he's a jerk, mean, selfish and has to drink/smoke every night just to 'deal with his day.' He's actually pretty bi-polar and a gemini. Not easy to live with! I think we're just obligated to each other because we dated in highschool and just know each other too well. I have always focused on being a better person, I have 2 degrees, I work 50 hours a week, I keep a tidy home, I take care of pets, I read and paint and make things. I go to the Zen temple and do yoga once in awhile, I visit my family... I try so damn hard, but I'm miserable. Being treated like this, not having any intimacy, always feeling taken for granted.... not worth it at all. I really don't know what I get out of this. Oh, a place to live. If I leave, I have to move back in with my parent because I still don't make enough to cover my bills AND pay rent. They smoke heavily and I really like not smelling like an ashtray. I'm torn. Do I stay? Go? Drive off a cliff? I honestly haven't been attracted to man in at least 8 years. I'm such a hopeless romantic and am just so tired of being disappointed. Thanks for letting me rant EC :help:
Hi. I can relate a little, although not in a relationship ive spent years convincing myself there was something between me and a certain guy but truthfully there is 0 emotional connection at all. We all need to feel appreciated and loved or feel its all for nothing. Ive been more honest with myself this year and feel i may actually find that with a woman some day. All the best with whatever you end up doing ...drop the man get a house mate? Lol
It sounds to me like you're going to be better of with a dog... Jokes aside, have you tried talking to him about this? Maybe he doesn't realize that you're unhappy with the relationship.
I completely understand what you're going through. It's tough carrying this huge secret around for your entire life... always knowing what you really want but being too scared to go get it. Scared that friends and family will look at you differently or even shun you. I'm still in that place, holding on to that secret and I just can't see myself ever telling family and friends. So EC is the place where I can be me... the place where I say "I'm a lesbian" and there's no condemnation, but rather acceptance.
Hello and welcome, DreamingAwake. I really like your username. Yes, change it's terrifying, but it always helps us grow. How much time do you think you'll have to wait before getting enough money for you to get your own space? Personally I think it's best to wait until you can have your own space (as long as you don't have to wait too much time), so you can be yourself fully, reflect, have silence and moments of quietness, be with yourself first so you can know yourself better, find yourself if you feel lost. What do you think? I'm here, should you need someone to talk to. Feel free to rant/vent.
All of you are awesome and probably right. We did have a very rough past few days but doing better. He is trying to well, not be such an asshole. He knows all of the issues we have, aside from the one I'm here for. But if I know him at all I know this comes in waves. Sigh. And I am saving money as much as I can but I don't even have a 401k yet and just enough "emergency" cash in the bank. Dont get me wrong, we love each other tremendously. But just... Ughhhh .....
