Hi, I am new here, been on Susan's Place for some time, but stumbled here in a round about fashion due to an Internet book I just finished reading today that lead me to this forum which critiqued it. I had to rant about it as I am close to starting HRT after years of denial, followed by a few years of doubt, followed by coming out a little over a year ago and attacking therapy with a needed vengeance. I go by Jj as my posting name of just journal honestly. I tend to vent in private in my journal, but was moved to vent online today. Thank you in advance for your forgiveness, or hopefully at least understanding if you run across it (it awaits moderator approval, so it may never see another computer screen.) However, my given name is Tony, of which I will properly alter it to Toni, sooner rather than later. Also why when it was misspelled Toni I never took issue with it, while inside did a happy dance as if that little "i" meant something. I guess it did in a very personal, privately validating kind of way. Foolish? To some, oh well. I came out to myself officially a little over a year ago. I began to transition with the first steps of getting healthier mentally and physically. This has led to me getting MUCH healthier, as well as coming out to family, close personal friends, and that too has been helpful if rather awkward at times. I still PASS as the gender my body was identified as at birth, but I no longer plan what I do or say, I just do or say it. This has been liberating, but yes, at times it too is awkward. It's been rewarding to live free of trying to be perceived as a man, and I relush in the moments where I am told "Geez Tony, you have got to be the girliest guy I have ever met." Or, "Tony is man enough to let his femininity show." To which I reply, "I just am feminine enough to let my masculinity out once in a while." Keep in mind, this is as I look like a linebacker and am dressed in traditional male attire with dastardly stubble on my chin. So I find this helps me be happier, but I still find the crux of my problem being what it always has been. How my body developed, not just during puberty, but in my mother's womb. Thus I have been working towards a full transition. I have started laser therapy, even a voice session, but still with all the groups, the reading, the one on one therapy, have to admit I still am a complete rookie who has escaped the harsh eyes of everyday society. I never cross dressed or put on make up until recently. I know do privately and occasionally at group requiring only the risk of a fender bender to reveal my bending. It is all out of necessity as I do want to blend in as best I can and frankly that is showing the need of far more practice, mostly in the way of trial and many, many errors. I have been blessed with until now, very supportive friends and most notably children. We've duscussed how easy it is to be supportive at this stage, but are all very aware that it may seemingly disappear or fade as I transition. Hey, no life gets more awkward than that of a transgender person, regardless of the flavor. We are all realists, but ironically it gives me hope, even if false, that my children and many of my friends will last through it. I do expect them, and myself, to fuck up at times. I mean I will always be a dad, it is what it is, even more so than a grandpa, as really I fathered none of those grand babies and simply am a grand parent of dubious description even now. If my dad did not make sarcastic, yet mostly playful remarks, well, then he wouldn't be himself. I of all people now relish the importance of being oneself. So he can make the uneducated homophobic remarks that I can tell let him deal with this on his own terms. Hey, it took me 45 +years to accept me, he just found out, and in some ways is already far more accepting in a years time then I have been. None the less, I stubled here, and as mentioned am a member at Susan's Place but really don't post much there. But we all need friends, most importantly just understanding people in our sphere of acquaintances. So I hope this allows me to expand my sphere to a few more. Transitioning Ton...y? i? Toni
Thanks for the welcomes. I see my rant was posted, eek. Just been stressing recently, just fears of course. Just... What an understatement.
