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Hello Everyone,

I have been married for 2 years tomorrow and have been with my husband for 5 years before that. He is the most loving and supportive person I have met and I have no questions over my love and sexual attraction to him. What I do have is a word which i only just recently learned of 'pansexual' which has just resonated with me on a deep level.

I am a health professional currently studying sexology in Australia and this word floated around in those spheres and struck a chord. I did some reading and have never felt so many feelings all at once! I have often struggled having conversations with people about my sexual orientation because nothing has ever felt right. I have been thinking about my experiences, fantasies and yearnings in the past and suddenly see things from a new perspective. an 'uh-huh' type moment.

What I am scared about is that I am excited about a new concept and learning rather than truly identifying. I wanted to just put a few things out there about how I'm feeling to you guys to explore this very new concept and whether it fits for me.

I have always, as long as I can remember been attracted to people - for who they are - their bodies never really entered into it. Yes I still find people attractive and not attractive however that is not defined in boobs, penis and vaginas but a curve of skin, a vulnerability, a power, a set of piercing eyes.

It's always about the connection and the conversation. Always. I have been reflecting on how I flirt and feel towards people I find attractive. I basically put a personal, private, shocking fact out there with them and see how they respond. I make myself vulnerable and converse my way out of it in the hopes of making a deep and personal connection with them. I have been hurt SO many times and I know this is probably unsafe but I always felt like it was necessary to progress to a sexual relationship. Having said that I use this *horrific* strategy with people I want to be friends with too. I still don't know what this means.

My husband and I are very interested in the concept of sharing - other people that is - he wants to see me fucked by another man. I want to explore my sexuality with women. I have never had sex with another female. I have been too scared. I feel like that may be a reflection of my own insecurity with another woman it's not necessarily about penetrative sex it's about exploring someone elses body and mind and that connection and sensuality. I think more often in my fantasies about women than men but both and multiple can take a star role.

I have been brought up very religious and didn't lose my virginity until i was 18. I am no longer religious but feel a lot of guilt and shame and anxiety over sex stuff. I feel this has been born through that upbringing and I feel quite a lot of anger over that.

I want to explore my sexuality within my marriage and want to be safe about it. I don't want to hold onto the label of pansexuality if it is not who I am and most importantly I don't want to hurt someone else through my exploration. I have had conversations with people who identify as lesbian in the past and have been met with anger and mistrust over being 'selfish' and 'another stupid straight girl wanting to "explore" for one night'.

God it's fucking hard.

I would love to talk more about this but i've already written war and peace...

Thanks for reading this if you got this far. Anyone prepared to help me figure this out through some robust discussion??

xo

 

Hello

 

Hello