Confused in New England

Greetings to all.

I have been on and off depressed lately because of gender and sexuality issues.

Sometimes I feel attracted to certain women but it's mostly "through" a man I am into at the time (like, I imagine being him being attracted to her). But as for actual relationships I've never considered seriously dating women although at least in my geographical area men are more likely to be nasty or have poor socialization (causing sexism and foul behavior) than females, so socially I feel more comfortable with females.

I've also been depressed since a friend of mine ( who is also gender queer somewhat, and bisexual) has not been talking to me and I have fallen in love with him.

I identify mainly as female and present as female but internally my "nature" can be any and everything. Physically I was categorized as female at birth and anyone who saw me would agree that was the proper categorization. At school growing up I saw myself as a boy a lot and often was attracted to girls or behaved chivalrously with them (positive attraction, not the harassment sort), like around elementary school. I was also always an outcast and freethinker.

However, I am confused as to what constitutes a clear line between male and female (not in regard to my own body, my own body is very far to the female side such that I am what you would call cis-female). ("Normal" size, shape "female" categorized organs).

What IS a penis? What. IS a vulva/clit? How big does something have to be before it gets considered a penis? Or is it the shape that determines whether something is a penis or clit? Is it determined by that the rest of the body is shaped like? (Like if a hole/vagina is present they call it a clit but if not then a penis?)

Please don't judge or tell me I'm being petty because we all have our issues and if not for our bigoted and un accepting society i'd never have these problems to begin with, not would any of us!

 

I'm also confused by our society's opinions on the urination issue ("all penises can pee standing and all vulvas cannot") because even among strongly/definite cis males and females this isn't always true. Many penises don't pee straight or in a spray, many are small and harder to expose through pants, and many vulvas can have the lips pulled apart and this makes the pee come straight forward and not messy. Furthermore many penises have foreskin which can cause mess or just the shape of the hole can cause it not to pee straight.

I'm exceedingly confused by the idea that it's easier for cis males to avoid getting pee on their bodies because of larger size when it's obvious that not all penises are large! Also, not all vulvas are small. (I'm not talking about the lips and clit, the pee usually comes out from behind those, but if the shelf all those are on protrudes more or less). I mean, your mouth doesn't stick out and yet you can spit straight, no? So, cis male or female, why is size an issue?

I guess my main point of confusion is that people say the difference in ease, when size based at least (like, to get the area to protrude), is between male and female rather than large and small, as there are many small males and large females.

Me as a very cis female bodies person I can do it rather easily but I get very confused at males or females for that matter who say it's easier and quicker to stand, because when you sit, male or female, you don't have to aim anything as much as when standing and you don't have to worry about your hand slipping or getting things, no matter the size (and remember, many penises are small and many vulvas large) getting past your clothing.

---------- Post added 14th May 2015 at 09:59 AM ----------

My main point is that learning about the "pull the lips apart" thing makes me think that any differences in ease wouldn't be between male or female but would be determined by other factors and that there are differences in ease among males and other males and among females and other females.

And The reason I'm obsessed is because our society is obsessed! Our society is obsessed with saying that all men can do something, and all women can't. Also with making similarities between all males (to promote male bonding via an imagined biological similarity that they claim any and all cis males have). This is why, when talking about urination, or anything really, a seven inch penis and a one or two inch penis are said to have the same level of ease as each other. And that these two penises have more in common than the small penis does with the average/ideal female vulva.

This is why statements like "I wish I had a penis so I could pee standing (which isn't necessarily quicker or easier than sitting, sitting is easier and faster for most people or any sex actually) this is why those statements drive me nuts. Like saying that any and every penis is sufficient? When there are so many differences in size, shape, foreskin, flexibility, location (like some penises starting lower between the legs, not up in front near belly), pee hole shape, etc?! And vulvas too.

Also with regard to me having proxy crushes on women. I sometimes dress like or try to morph into the type of women I like and then hope the man I'm into likes the same ones so I can enjoy him enjoying me and also enjoy the woman via his eyes- it gets confusing! I told you!

---------- Post added 14th May 2015 at 10:10 AM ----------

My point above is that many cis women could find it easier than many cis men and that the differences in ease would not be between one sex and the other but between certain individuals based on different factors.

Also that I often confuse about who I am attracted to. I almost "become" the man I am attracted to at times (whether thinking about or attracting to a woman or not).

 

Ah ok. I will copy the post and take it there

 

Thanks for commenting you guys. I spend a lot of time studying and studying to get rid of my confusions and sadness and fears and everyone in my family accuses me of being addicted to the Internet and caring about it more than family.

Not true!

 

Hi David! You mean to tell me you read that big long thing?

 

Hi lovely lesbian! How long hav you been here? I joined yesterday or day before.