Hi, I'm Leah

I'm 30 years old and currently live in Queensland. I've been questioning my gender for basically as long as I can remember but recently I had a confronting experience that has somehow motivated me to finally want to do something about it.'

My first experience with the concept of being transgender was watching an episode of Casualty with my nan back home in the UK. It was the early 1990s and the episode had a kind of bad caricature of a trans character there. I remember my nan saying, "I do feel sorry for those people who are the wrong sex to what they think they are," or something to that effect. I was too young at the time to really understand what it meant, but as I got a little older, I found myself often drawn to girls more than boys. I remember play dates with female friends where I would be excited to play with their toys. As I got older I would often end up as a go-between for guys and girls in school-age relationships as I was one of the boys but allowed to interact with the girls.

I grew up and as a teenager I remember thinking thank god that I am attracted to girls as I thought that meant I was an ordinary male and wouldn't have to go through all the negative things associated with not being straight. But I wasn't. I was heavily into literature and drama and eventually studied drama at university. At the same time, I learned about feminism from my English teacher and became very interested in the philosophy. I thought of myself as an ally for years but I now begin to see that it's more than that: I was looking for my own liberation as a woman from the male gender I had been assigned.

As a young adult, I became very depressed and I remember an incident where my dad took me to see a counsellor that my mum had found for me. I remember her reeling off the list of things the counsellor could talk about, including gender issues. My ears perked up but I didn't let mum see. Unfortunately, my depression prevented me from forming a bond with the counsellor and I didn't get to go through any further sessions. Instead, I ended up on citalopram, a drug which has worked for me and which I am still taking.

After finishing university I moved to London and made another close female friend through work. We spent a lot of time together and were basically dating. One night after seeing a movie - I think it was called Venus - I became very upset as it reminded me of my grandad's then-recent death. We ended up walking and talking together for a while and in the end she became the first person I came out to about having any issues with my gender. We talked a little more about it but I wasn't ready yet to do anything about it. I do remember after first talking to her spending basically an entire weekend reading up and researching trans issues, but even after that, I still wasn't ready.

I moved on from London and went back to uni for a postgrad. After that an old "friend" contacted me and offered me some work, and we ended up moving in together eventually. Long story short he turned out to be abusive, manipulative, and in all likelihood a sociopath. During my time living with him I was again forced to confront my lack of security in my male gender after her and his best friend spent an entire day persecuting me by calling me gay. It stung and I felt that there was something they had picked up on that I had been trying to hide. I ended up semi coming out but still wasn't able to confront my issues head on. Later, I remember him abusing me over a work situation and telling me to "man up" along with another employee, which I found very upsetting.

I eventually managed to escape from that situation and moved back to a place nearer to my parents. I was happy enough there but still lonely and still not dealing with my issues. Fortunately, a couple of years after that, I met my now-wife online. I moved to Queensland to be with her and last year we got married. Although I love her and she loves me, I discovered that that wasn't enough to be happy. I started taking antidepressants again and unsuccessfully saw a (non-gender) counsellor who I think wanted to retrain as a dietician for all that she gave me more advice about my stomach than my head.

After recently finding myself working on a job that involved a young trans person, I found my gender identity issues once again bothering me. This time, however, I somehow managed to talk to my wife about it, mainly because she wouldn't let me go until I explained to her what had me so upset about a seemingly innocuous job. I had spoken to her and told her I had some issues regarding my gender back when we met online, but this was the first time I managed to talk to her properly. She has reacted about as perfectly as I could have hoped, going so far as to help paint my nails and alter her old clothes for me now that I have decided I definitely want to experiment more with my gender. She is pan, and as we met online, she tells me she fell in love with my personality long before she even saw my body (I feel the same). I've also come out to our housemate who is asexual, in order to try to get a safe environment for me to explore my gender in before taking up counselling.

As it is now, I have a plan that I will begin dressing and using makeup when I want to at home until we move in a few months time. After that I will seek counselling. My wife and I are taking a trip back to the UK in October and I'm wondering if that will be the right time to come out to my parents but I'm also cautious and a little worried about rushing.

Since I came out to my wife and started seriously allowing myself to consider my thoughts and feelings regarding my gender, I've felt happier than I have for a long time, as if a weight has lifted off of me. I strongly believe at the moment that I am trans and will want to transition soon, but at the same time I'm worried about rushing things.

Sorry for the long post, it ended up being less of an introduction and more of a life story. Tl;dr: recently admitted I may be trans after repressing it for yonks, experimenting, supporting wife.

I'm really just here looking for a supportive community and hopefully some answers to some big questions that may come up!

 

Thanks for your kind responses everyone! I'm sorry I've not been able to reply or post too much over the past couple of days. I have been very busy with work and last night after my wife and I did the grocery shop (which also included some cheeky nail polish and clothes shopping, teehee) I just ran out of spoons. Hopefully I'll be able to be around much more over the weekend and get to know some of you lovely people.