hi everyone, i'm 28, male, feel mild attraction to men, fantasize about women when i masturbate and have had only female girlfriends and hookups. i would estimate i've had about 30 female sexual partners. but a month ago this new swiss guy in my department appeared (i'm in grad school studying literature), was very charming during the post-lecture drinks, i got kinda drunk and felt like i wanted to kiss him. he had this five oclock shadow that was abrasive, but he was very handsome andobviously into me/fascinated by me (wasn't sure if he really believed what i said that this was this first time i'd ever kissed a guy.) i took him outside and actually invited him back to my apartment. we made out at my place, and i had the impulse to sort of wrestle with him and we got down to our underwear and rolled around on the floor for a while. to be honest i was really drunk at that point. eventually we lay side by side on my bed. i think he was trying to let me initiate everything because he knew it was my first time. so he was really nice (swiss people are so honest and good-natured). but i was very drunk at that point, and whether through drunkenness or not, was just not that into it anymore. i remember thinking i just wanted to go to sleep. i must have knocked off after a while because he was gone when i woke up in the afternoon. isn't everyone just a little bit gay? it's not like i've been in an uber-repressive environment. i went to a leftist college and had friends who were liberal and open to different sexualities, gender identities, etc. as a matter of principle. so it wasn't that i felt ashamed about experimenting-- in fact, the opposite. the sexual culture of my college was so permissive it almost stigmatized the "normal" people. maybe it's that i'm a bit overly critical of women. i've had bad relationships with women before, possibly because the women that i'm very attracted to make me nervous. i'm hopeless at seducing them, and have low defenses when it comes to women I only sort of like seducing me. so, mostly out of weakness, i am always sleeping with different girls i'm ambivalent about and then disappointing them and moving on. i guess i don't have a specific question but wanted to hear people's thoughts and whether they've had similar experiences, and whether they think i should experiment more with this or just leave it alone cheers, andrew
Hi and welcome to EC! Drunkenness doesn't change your sexuality, it just reduces your inhibitions, so you could be, as you put it "just a little bit gay," although from what you wrote it also sounds as if you have a strong preference for women. I don't have any personal experience, but I would suggest that you just continue to notice your preference in fantasies, etc., and experiment if you're interested in it. While experimentation can help you find your orientation, it isn't generally essential. Also, this is the welcome section, so you might want to post about this in the Sexual & Romantic Orientation section for more responses.
thanks for your thoughts, newfish!! i think you're right. i'll go ahead and post it in the other section. cheers, andrew
Hi there. I guess you will get two lots of replies to this, if you have posted in two places. I don't think sexual ambiguity is rare or wrong. Things tend, in my experience, to become a bit more fixed as you get older. When I was an undergrad and in my early 20s, I certainly made out with male friends who have subsequently married and would identify as straight. Youth and experimentation often go together.
Hey, Andrew! First, welcome to EC! I think you'll find this place a great resource to get a better understanding of yourself. Onto the issue of your sexual orientation and attraction. I don't think there's a simple black-or-white answer. I can tell you that, according to the data out there, only about 10% of the population fit at either end of the spectrum (totally gay or totally straight) and everyone else is somewhere on the continuum. That said, it's also not at all uncommon for a guy to have experiences with women, never really feel like they work, and then, sometimes in their 20s or 30s or even later, figure out that, in fact, they are really gay. Our unconscious plays a lot of tricks on us, and no matter how openminded and accepting we are, pretty much everybody would rather be straight, simply because it makes life a little easier. So one thing you can look at first is... what do you think about when you masturbate? Do you fantasize only about women? about women and men? Mostly men? If you usually watch porn, assuming it's straight porn, where are your eyes focused? On the guy or the girl? One of the best things you can do to get a better idea of where you are is to take some time and masturbate without porn, and consciously focus on thinking about guys. Maybe in your case, imagining the encounter you had went further, or some other guy you've found attractive. And then compare that experience to what happens when you masturbate (without porn) thinking about girls. Usually you'll see a pretty clear difference between the two. Now... sometimes guys will have a much stronger arousal thinking about guys, but will be really grossed out and disgusted afterwards. That doesn't mean that you're straight; it's a normal immediate response to not wanting to feel attraction to guys. If you are comfortable giving that a try and then posting what you experience, we can probably give you some clearer guidance. I hope that helps! Also... you might consider reposting this message in the support forum rather than the welcome forum, as it will get more traffic and responses there.
Welcome to EC, first off very few people are entirely straight or entirely gay (if you're new to all of this look up the Kinsey scale). I've seen lots of people on here say "I've slept with loads of girls, but...," your past sexual experiences aren't really any good at describing your sexual future. I know a not insignificant number of 'straight' people have a gay experience but from what you described you seemed to actually enjoy it so I wouldn't say this was a one off. From the age of 18-20 I slept with 8/9 women but I knew I was gay then and I am gay still, if you take a look about here you'll see people who've been married for 20 years and have kids who have since come out as gay. But in terms of finding yourself and looking for support, you're in the right place
Welcome to EC! I don't know if everybody is just a little bit gay, but you apparently are. I'd say your best bet is to find that guy again, and see if you can pick up where you left off. Lex
Hey! I agree with what a few others have said in here...like Chip mentioned - only about 10% of the popular will fit completely into "100% hetero" or "100% homo" sexual. That's why things like the kinsey scale exist...the majority of people are somewhere between 0-6 on this scale. It sounds like you're much more frequently attracted to females, but there will be a rare male that catches your attention from time to time. I think this is pretty common. I think I'm quite similar in that for every probably about ten girls I find attractive, there's one guy or so. (and I'm female...so I'd be around 4-5 on the kinsey scale). just keep in mind, if you've never been in a relationship with a guy you'll never know if you prefer that
